1. Trying to earn the narcissistic person’s love

Do you find yourself fighting to earn the narcissistic person’s love? It’s impossible to make a narcissist love you because they don’t want to learn and do not know how to love you. A narcissist lacks empathy and doesn’t believe they are wrong. So they will lack any motivation to change. Try avoiding this mistake of working hard to earn their love.

2. Ignoring your emotional pain

Are you ignoring the pain you feel? Numbing it with food, games, sleeping or drinking too much? This is quite common because you may feel really heartbroken, exhausted and angry. Numbing your pain will only make the pain grow stronger because the pain needs to be let out. By feeling the pain you’re letting it out and accepting the truth which is that this person is bad for you. 

So I urge you to feel your pain, accept the truth within you, even if it’s just one part of you that knows the truth, believe it. Listen to that part. Is the voice within you asking you to leave? Is it asking you to set stronger boundaries? Is it asking you to seek help from a professional or a friend or just someone who will understand? Don’t ignore your pain, listen to it and act on your inner voice, it is your truth speaking to you. Think of what will happen if you don’t listen to it.

3. Hoping he/she will change 

Are you hoping that your mom, dad, or spouse will change? Maybe you think you can help them change? If only you’d love them more, if only you don’t trigger them so much if only they’d go to therapy, if only…fill in the blank. If so, know that narcissists don’t think there is anything wrong with them as I’ve mentioned before. This is part of the problem of being narcissistic. You cannot convince them to change their behavior, way of thinking, or anything else about them no matter what you do. I know this sucks. But, a narcissist will never change, don’t want to change, don’t see anything that needs to change in themselves.

4. Remembering a time they showed you love or empathy

Are you remembering a time they did show empathy? The only reason a narcissist shows empathy is when they need something from you. Basically, they do this for themselves, not because they suddenly realize for a moment what love is.

Pretending to be loving in order to get something from you isn’t love. It’s merely an act and really about being manipulative. Narcissistic people are fantastic manipulators and they can do it with charm. This kind of manipulation is awful and wrong.

5. Making excuses for the narcissist’s behavior

Have you ever called a narcissist out for his or her bad behavior? How did that work out for you? Clients tell me their stories where they try to break free by confronting their parents or partners about their narcissistic behaviors. But it always backfires. Why? Because the narcissistic person will tell you how sad his or her life has been. 

How rough they had it while growing up. Whether this is true or not doesn’t matter. You start to feel sorry for your parent and guilty for confronting them. To feel sorry for a narcissist is one of the biggest mistakes you can make. This is exactly what he or she wanted. Again, you’ve been manipulated. You’re the victim, yet, suddenly they make themselves look like the victim and you’re left wondering “What the f*** just happened?”. 

You don’t want to end up making excuses for their bad behavior toward you. There is NOTHING that justifies their abuse. You had/have it rough too! When you were a child, they were adults and therefore they were responsible for their behavior, to take care of you and do something about their problems. Be aware of this very common mistake, don’t get sidetracked by the narcissist’s manipulation. They feed on all the attention you give them and they don’t give a damn how you feel or what you need. This is not ok.

6. Getting dragged into their drama

Narcissists crave attention, love to talk about themselves, and lack empathy. Clients who deal with narcissistic parents tell me how they get dragged into the emotional drama. One example is Marc (not his real name) who has very recently been able to set boundaries with his narcissistic father. His father doesn’t like this at all, because he is losing control over his son whom he has been controlling throughout his life.  He doesn’t want him to become independent and is noticing that Marc is becoming aware of his father’s abusive ways. Marc is even able to say “no” to his father’s constant attempts to control his life. 

In order to get Marc to obey him once again, Marc’s dad acts sly and forces his wife to check up on Marc. When Marc was able to tell his mom that he was busy and had his own things to focus on in life, Marc’s dad sent several other people in the family to “talk” to Marc. Marc’s narcissistic dad was trying to make Marc feel guilty for not giving enough time and attention to him. 

When this also failed, however, Marc’s father had a complete meltdown and verbally abused his son through a series of rageful name-calling, yelling, and blaming. 

Marc who is very brave, was able to hang up the phone while having a painful realization that his father had zero capacity to love him, understand him, or respect him. Even though this was very painful, he is proud of himself for becoming his own person and finally standing up to his father’s horrible and unjust abuse. I’m proud of Marc too.

If you can relate to any of this, you know how exhausting this can be. Especially when like Marc, you may have tried many times to set boundaries with a certain person, but he/she just doesn’t care. This should be your cue to leave the relationship (if you can of course) or reinforce boundaries over and over. Using tactics such as not answering your phone, hanging up the phone like Marc did, sticking to the topic at hand, and saying the magic words over and over “That is NOT my responsibility”, can help you stand your ground against any form of emotional abuse.

7. You think he/she has changed because of occasional caring

Mistaking their forced kindness for real kindness is a common mistake made by a narcissist. I’ll give you another example of a client, I’ll call him Dan. Dan’s narcissistic mother has been severely abusive towards him since he can remember. As if the emotional abuse wasn’t enough, she had on several occasions abused him physically as well. When Dan was 18 she bought him a brand-new car. He had been begging for it a long time because his mother had chosen to live in a remote area which made it difficult for Dan to commute.

Dan couldn’t be happier, he thought, finally, she listened, she does care about me. But, this wasn’t the case at all. Dan was still in school, yet his mom forced him to pay rent to live “under her roof”. “After all, this isn’t a hotel”, she used to tell Dan. She was running a highly successful business so in case you’re wondering, she had no lack of money. She told Dan, “Pay the bills for the car and you can keep it”. After only a few months, Dan realized he couldn’t possibly pay the bills for the car plus the rent he was forced to pay his mom for living in his own house.

What did Dan’s narcissistic mother do? She said, “Well, since you clearly can’t pay for the car, I’ll have no choice but to take it back”. She not only took the car back from him, but she also used it as her main car, driving it everywhere. She now owned two cars and Dan was left feeling humiliated, hurt, betrayed, and emotionally drained. 

When Dan as an adult confronted his mom for all the hurt she caused him during his childhood, she told him “How dare you blame me for causing you pain! I’ve never done anything to hurt you. I even gave you a car! You’re such an ungrateful child!”. This is only one of the million examples of how narcissists show fake kindness towards you, just to make themselves look good. This is not kindness, this is manipulation, fraud, betrayal, cruelty and it’s wrong. So I urge you to be aware of this and learn from Dan’s example. Don’t ever mistake a narcissist’s kindness for real kindness.

 If you’re wondering what happened to Dan, he realized it was futile to have a conversation with his mom. She never admitted her mistakes to him and kept lying to his face. She tried to distort (gaslighting) the truthful image he had of his severely abusive childhood. His narcissistic mother was trying to paint a picture that never was. 

“A narcissist will try to paint a picture of the past, that never was”

Dan has, after some time in therapy with me, decided to cut contact completely with his mom. He has made huge progress in healing from his mother’s abuse (and his father’s passive abuse). For the first time in his life, he is feeling independent and confident. His self-esteem and sense of self-worth are stronger than it has ever been. Dan has realized that he in fact is an incredibly capable young man, contrary to what his parents made him believe. 

8. Calling a narcissist out in a “kind way”

If you think that communicating kindly with a narcissist will surely make them understand or finally listen to you, this WILL NEVER happen. Because narcissists lack the capacity to understand anyone else’s point of view other than their own. In other words, they don’t care what you think, what you have to say, or how you feel. No matter what tactics you use, all the kindness in the world will not change the narcissist’s abusive ways. In fact, any emotionally abusive person will usually blame you instead of taking responsibility for their own behavior. They will also become inappropriately defensive and try to make you doubt your own feelings (gaslighting). These are all signs of someone who is NOT interested in change because in order to change you must take responsibility for your actions. Also remember that the way a narcissist treats you has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with them.

 “The way a narcissist treats you, has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with them. “

 Observe their abusive behavior, is it repetitive? Does the person always defend themselves? Do they say things like “I have no idea what you’re talking about” or “I never said that! And what about what you said? Tell me how you could say that to me?” or “I think there is something wrong with your memory because you’re making stuff up”? All of these answers are indicators of how they don’t want to take responsibility for their words, and actions and look at the hurt they are causing you. In a healthy relationship, a person who is capable of love and understanding will respond to your concerns by acknowledging what you’re saying and how you are feeling. 

So look at their behavior and look at your own behavior as well. If you find yourself trying in vain to find different ways to communicate with a narcissist, don’t waste more of your time and energy on this. Because you might as well be speaking to an alien who does not understand a word you say. Do yourself a favor and leave this toxic relationship, if you can of course. 

“In an unhealthy relationship, you think of a thousand ways to communicate before you actually communicate. In a healthy relationship you just communicate”

9. Defending and explaining yourself to a narcissist

If you have the option, don’t defend yourself against a narcissist. That’s their way of getting you to feel distracted, confused, and even guilty for something you never did in the first place. Instead, you can say “I’m not having this conversation” “I’m going to have to think about that” or “I’m sorry you feel that way”.

When you use phrases like these with a narcissist they are thrown off because their plan was to engage you emotionally and drain you. When you speak in a nondefensive way this cannot lead to any drama and it will give you the control for a change.

10. Having unrealistic expectations

These unrealistic expectations can include you thinking: “I’m sure he will change one day” or “If she only sees this one thing everything will get better” or “If I just stay off the topic of money I’m sure he won’t get pissed at me” or “I just need to let her have the control she wants over me and then she’ll be happy” etc.

These are all different ways you are denying the truth. They are this way because of themselves, not because of you. No amount of changing your approach, way of talking, or letting them have more control over your life is going to change them. So if you’re choosing to stay in an abusive relationship or for some reason can’t get out of it, expect them to act the way they always do. Expect them to explode, manipulate, lie, be rude, and gaslight you. If you accept that this is how they are and it’s not about to change, you can have a bit more control over your life. 

You can prepare for the chaos that is constantly coming your way. Living in chaos is possible. But you must ask yourself “Do I want to live my entire life in chaos or do I want a life that’s peaceful, loving, and free from abuse?”

  “Do I want to live my entire life preparing for chaos or do I want a life that’s peaceful, loving and free from abuse?”  

11. Neglecting to see why you’re staying

Are you so focused on surviving that you’ve not thought of looking at the reasons you got into this relationship? What about trying to understand why you’ve stayed or did stay for as long as you did? Therapy can definitely help whether you’re in a relationship right now or just gotten out. It’s crucial you do the healing work in order to build a different future for yourself so that you don’t repeat the same pattern (and your kids if you have any). 

The reasons for staying and being attracted to abusive relationships are usually the same. They stem from your childhood. If one or both of your parents were toxic toward you, this may be a key reason for tolerating abuse from others. Especially when the style of abuse is similar to the one you received as a child or teenager. 

You may confuse abuse and love. Which is very common if you live in a household where intermittent terror coexists with tender moments. 

“Confusing abuse with love is common if you lived  in a household where intermittent terror coexisted with tender moments” – Dr. Susan Forward

This is why guidance through therapy is so important for you in order to heal what needs to heal. This can make you willing to move away from abuse and recognize it before you’re too involved. You will also learn what love really looks and feels like. Of course in therapy, you will also learn how to love yourself. Love has NOTHING to do with abuse. Love is shown through behaving in loving and kind ways on a consistent basis.

12. But he/she has finally agreed to therapy, isn’t that a good thing?

That is indeed a good thing. But let me ask you this before you start picturing a happily ever after with your partner. How long does it take for you to change a single behavior in yourself? Be it a diet change, exercising more, or waking up earlier. You may be thinking, yes, I’ve tried many times but failed every time. Or, you may be thinking you’ve tried and succeeded but it took you a long time, hard work, and a willingness to do so. I bet if you succeeded in changing any behavior, you really wanted that change. Would you say it’s the same with your partner? Or was it you who convinced her/him to go to therapy?

Convincing anyone to go to therapy is a recipe for disaster. I can’t tell you how many clients and people I’ve seen disappointed after having convinced their partner, parent, sibling to go to therapy. Why? Because they never wanted to go in the first place. If you’re dealing with any type of narcissistic person or someone with an actual diagnosis of NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder) you are in for a huge disappointment and more heartbreak than you’ve most likely already experienced. Don’t make this mistake, don’t have unrealistic expectations. It will only hurt you further. 

Narcissistic people and most abusive people don’t see anything wrong with themselves so even if they somehow managed to sit their butt on the therapy chair, it does not automatically mean they will realize all their mistakes. It doesn’t mean they will feel the guilt and remorse over all the hurt they’ve caused you and within the year be a changed man or woman. Reality looks different.

They may sit on the chair but they may say things like “I feel attacked, judged and misunderstood” or “this therapist doesn’t know shit about my life and who do they think they are telling me how to live my life?” or “I’m only doing this so you will stop your damn nagging”. 

This is NOT a sign of a human being who has had a deep look at their abusive behavior and wants to change that through therapy. Rather, the attitude of someone who actually wants to change needs to be “No more, I will do everything in my power to make a change, I don’t want to live like this anymore, I don’t want to be this person anymore”.

Only if a person desires change, realizes their responsibility, and is committed to putting in the hard work that therapy requires can they actually create real and lasting change. Even in those circumstances, it will still take time. So if your partner is pretty much saying: “Fine, I’ll go if it makes you shut up about it”. This is a very bad sign because they’re not interested in change and will never change, not for you, not for anyone.

Lastly, I want to add, that you’re most likely a person who is empathetic, trusting, and loving. Unfortunately, these amazing qualities are also what emotionally abusive people are drawn towards, especially narcissists. These qualities of yours are usually why you end up in relationships with emotionally abusive people in the first place. Is it bad to be kind, loving, and trusting? No! Not at all. In fact, these are some of your most precious resources. 

Be proud of having these qualities. But, you must choose wisely who you trust, love, and are kind towards, don’t let the abusive ones take advantage of your resources”. Don’t let anyone stomp all over your beauty, wisdom, kindness, and self-worth. You are precious, treat yourself as such.

 “Choose wisely who you trust, love and are kind towards, don’t let the abusive ones take advantage of your resources”

So, there you have it, 12 mistakes to avoid making with a narcissist or any emotionally abusive person.
I really hope you found these 12 ways helpful.

In case you,

o   Are in a narcissistic/emotionally abusive relationship and need help

o   Want to understand more about narcissism and emotional abuse in relationships

o   Want to heal from your trauma that is causing you to end up or stay with a narcissistic/emotionally abusive person

o   Want to heal after leaving a narcissistic/emotionally abusive relationship and are not sure how to find healthy, loving, and respectful relationships

Do not hesitate to contact me. You can read more about beginning trauma therapy with me here, www.khanselma.com/services. Or talk to a therapist in your area. Tell someone you are close to about your situation, and you are welcome to join any abuse support group on Facebook. Please do not isolate yourself because that will only make you feel worse.

Trauma therapy can help you to begin healing from abuse. IFS (Internal Family Systems Therapy) is an evidence-based treatment for trauma and works with different parts within you. In IFS treatment you are guided to listen to all the parts within you and help them get the resolve they are looking for. These are usually younger parts of you who need to be released of the burdens they carry due to the trauma caused by this type of abuse and childhood trauma.

IFS therapy can help you whether you’re currently in an abusive relationship or struggling to heal after leaving one. If you would like to work with me you can do so from any corner of the world, since I offer online therapy. Feel free to contact me at www.khanselma.com/contact. I always answer all my emails within 24 hours.

Do you know someone who can benefit from reading this article? Share it with them.

Take care of yourself,
With love,

Selma