In this article, I focus on enmeshment with your mom but may very well be with your dad, your spouse, or a friend. Enmeshment can happen in any relationship.

Enmeshment means having a relationship where there are no limits. There is a sense of being overly close, best friends and you usually feel uncomfortable because of it. Your mom may come across as loving, caring and appreciating you but still, there is a sense in you of wanting her to back off. You feel suffocated by her so-called love but you also feel ungrateful for feeling this way. After all, she is your mom and why should you complain if she wants to spend ALL her time with you? Well, I’m here to tell you that you have all the right in the world to complain about this. Because this isn’t healthy and your feelings are completely normal and understandable.

Setting some limits with her is your right because you are not supposed to be her caretaker, she is the parent no matter what your age is, and this doesn’t change. It’s not your responsibility to take care of her like a baby, it’s her responsibility to take care of herself and find other adults in her life to help her through whatever she is struggling with. Enmeshment with mom is about your mom fulfilling all her emotional needs via you and that is not ok in any way. Here are 13 signs that will help you determine if you are enmeshed with your mom. If you find even one of these to be true, having a conversation with your mom could be a crucial thing.

1. Your mother makes you her entire world

The enmeshed mother will look to you to fulfill all her emotional needs. This could mean your role in her life fulfills her need for companionship, meaning in her life, source of fun and excitement and everything else that she needs. You are literally her entire world. She is extremely close to you, and tells you that she loves being your best friend and how much you mean to her. You may have felt weird about this closeness even as a child because you felt suffocated and wondered why your mom isn’t close to your dad instead of to you. You also notice that she doesn’t care if you feel uncomfortable or suffocated, she is there anyway, at all times, whenever she needs you. She never asked, never asks how you feel about being her entire world because your relationship is all about fulfilling her needs, not yours. She will push herself into your life, and hijack your plans by planting herself as the center of your world and she thinks of this as the ultimate sign of how much she loves you.

2. She doesn’t care what you need, want or think

As you grew older you may have tried to tell your mom that you would like to do certain things on your own. Explore the world, start a new career in a different city, move out for college and anytime you have tried to “leave the nest” she becomes very upset. She cannot understand how you can even think of living a life that doesn’t revolve around her being the center of your world. She takes this as a betrayal from your side rather than the natural development of you becoming an adult and finding independence. She doesn’t care about what you need, she only cares about what she needs. She wants your needs to match hers. She could tell you “of course I’m happy you’re going to college but you know how lonely I’ll get if you move out, if you stay here ill be so happy and ill take care of everything so you don’t have to worry”. She may try to suggest you choose a college that is closer to where she lives. She may even suggest you move in together in the new city you want to leave for. Even if the enmeshed mother allows you to leave the nest, she will make sure she stays in contact with you every single day through calls or messaging. She will not let you go so easily because she believes that she needs you in order to function. She wants you to stay her little girl or boy forever. She puts her happiness in your hands. This is a very great burden to carry for you and it’s wrong, unhealthy and NOT your responsibility.

3. She will guilt you for having your own needs

Guilt trips are a very common tool to use against you for the enmeshed mother. If you try to set boundaries with her or say that you won’t come home for Christmas this year, it will lead to a disaster. She will make a huge scene about it to make you feel guilty for daring to have your own needs. She will say things like “I need you here, we always spend Christmas together, what’s wrong with you, tell me what have I done to deserve this? How can you do this to me? Don’t you have a heart?”. Instead of respecting your decision and understanding that you may have your own plans this year that don’t include her, she makes you feel bad for having a life that doesn’t include her. She will make you feel like the worst person in the world for canceling your plans with her in order to relax at home or take some time for yourself.

She will call you selfish, and heartless and remind you how much she does for you in order to make you feel guilty for having your own needs. You may end up doing what she wants in order to skip the drama and guilt that comes from displeasing her. This is very unfair, unhealthy, selfish, and cruel towards you. It leaves no space for growth, no flexibility in the relationship, it is neediness that has no limit and feels to you like a burden you cannot bear to carry. The enmeshed mother acts like a clingy, scared child instead of an adult and she expects you to assure her that you will not abandon her. It is not your job to do this, you are not her parent, she is your parent and this fact will never change no matter the role she has forced you to take on. This behavior from your mother is not loving, it is abusive.

4. She is using you to fill the void inside

If your mother often says how she left her career for you, doesn’t have friends, and hates your father this is a very bad sign. What this shows is how your mother experiences a deep void in her life that can only be fulfilled by you. She is actively choosing to put her happiness in your hands, which is an incredibly irresponsible and selfish thing to do as an adult and as a parent. Your mother is supposed to fulfill your needs, and help and guide you from being a child into becoming a self-sufficient adult. Parents who lean on their children in order to get their own needs met via their children are actually forcing their children to act like parents. Children are ill-equipped and not meant to take on the role of a caregiver. So if your mother has no apparent life of her own and continuously depends on you to take care of her emotionally, financially or in other ways, understand that this is unhealthy. If your mother is and has been turning to you for nurturing, love and support this is a very clear indication of how she is using you to fill the void she has inside.  This is wrong and it’s not your job to fill the void inside any person, especially not your mother. If you feel a sense of loyalty towards her, understand that this type is called misguided loyalty. Misguided loyalty is when you try to do for someone what they must do for themselves. When your mom feels sad, angry or lonely she expects you to make her feel better, take care of her and be there for her. This job is supposed to be her partner’s job, never ever her child’s job. It is NOT your job to take care of her emotional needs, it is her job to take care of yours. You are her child, she is your mother. The enmeshed mother doesn’t understand healthy relationships, what boundaries are and how important they are or the different roles everyone has in a family. It is therefore understandable if you don’t know what is considered healthy and normal and what isn’t. Because you are supposed to have learned the healthy ways from your parents and if they passed on their unhealthy ways to you, how can you possibly identify what is healthy and unhealthy? You are never supposed to play the role of her partner, her parent, her therapist or even her friend. You are and will always be her child, she is responsible for you, (and for herself because she is an adult) not the other way around. You can tell her to see a therapist or talk to another adult, but it is NOT your job to fix her problems, fulfill her emotional needs, wipe her tears, sit by her side or be her savior. 

5. She cannot tolerate differences, conflicts or distance in your relationship

If your mother finds it difficult to accept that you can have a different opinion from her about things that are important to you this is not a good sign. If she also thinks that conflict is something unacceptable in your relationship and uses different punishments whenever you try to stand up for yourself this is another sign of enmeshment. Another sign of enmeshment is a mother who cannot stand any form of distance from you, whether physically or emotionally. If your mother perceives you trying to be different from her, distancing yourself from her or becoming your own person she may use unhealthy behaviors to control you. These include withholding love, silent treatment, giving you guilt or shaming you. This unhealthy dynamic can teach you as a child that the only way you can gain the love of your mother is to disregard your own emotions, thoughts and needs and give your mother what she needs. This is incredibly unfair to you and this is not how love looks like, this is controlling and that is abusive. This also inhibits your own courage to grow, evolve and become your own person because your mother has instilled a fear in you which can feel debilitating to you.

6. Your mom cannot handle separation: “If you leave me I will never forgive you”

The natural, healthy and necessary process of a child becoming an adult ready to live their own life is seen as a betrayal for the enmeshed mother. Separation is a normal part of a parent-child relationship, this does not mean you end the relationship, this only means that you are allowed to grow up, have your own life, move out of your parent’s house, and become an independent adult. The enmeshed mother, however, sees this natural separation process as a threat, betrayal and a sense of loss. She will not let you grow up, leave or become your own person.

7. She has no boundaries with you

Even if you try to tell your mother to give you some space or that you want to spend time with your spouse or friends alone she will not care about that. The enmeshed mother will pop up unannounced, expect you to spend time with her and be with her when she needs you and become very upset if you don’t fulfill those needs. She will ask you to call her and tell her everything about your day in as much detail as possible. She doesn’t care if you want to do this or not, because she only cares about her needs and what makes her happy. The enmeshed mother will insist to know where you are at all times, what you are doing, with whom you are and how much time you spend where. 

If you feel that she sucks the air out of the room with her clinginess, neediness or controlling behavior, you must understand that this is toxic and unhealthy. This is not how a relationship between you and your mother should look like. What she is doing, whether or not she is aware of it is invading your space, even your body because you sense it in your body when she is around. You sense how needy she is and you feel drained after you talk to her, meet her or at times even just think about her. 

Many clients of mine describe a sense of being spied upon and how they feel very uncomfortable but don’t know why or how to say no. The enmeshed mother will speak in terms of “I need you so much”, “I feel so happy to have you in my life”, “I feel so happy talking to you every day”, “I’m so happy that I can take care of you”.

There is a fundamental problem with this. The first common pattern is the word “I” which tells you how the only thing she cares about is herself. Me, me and me again. The second problem is that this is all about how she feels regardless of how you feel. She didn’t even ask if you want to call her every day or if you want her to be there for you. She hasn’t asked in what way you need her or anything else that shows she cares about how you feel. The enmeshed mother has created a world in which only you and she exist and her neediness feels suffocating to you because she has latched onto you like a leech and you feel drained in her presence even when she isn’t there because her energy is so needy you feel she is there even when she isn’t. What’s worse is, she will try to convince you that this bond you share is incredible and that it’s something other people would be jealous of. This isn’t a bond, this is emotional bondage. This is controlling, abusive and extremely unhealthy. No one deserves to be treated this way, especially not by their own mother.

8. Your  mom helps you with so much but it comes at a price

You may think of times when your mother has helped you financially or with the kids or when you have been ill or any other situation where you really needed help. But with the enmeshed mother, help always comes at a price. When you accept her help in whatever way, she is making herself indispensable to you which makes her think she now has permission to move even closer to you and get more involved in your life than she already has been. She wants you to be obligated to her and she wants you to be dependent on her. Sometimes the enmeshed mother can use the excuse of helping out as a way to move into your house quite literally. Since she has helped you or is helping you, she will be happy to use that as a way to spend more time, plan more things, talk to you more often and take over your life in a way. You most likely will be feeling so much guilt because you think you owe her now. This will make it difficult for you to say no, which is exactly what she wanted in the first place. The great “help” she offered you was nothing other than a control tactic to yet again, meet her own needs, by using you. This is an awful and abusive way to gain “the upper hand” in a relationship and has nothing to do with love. You can even end up feeling like the help you so desperately needed and got, ended up costing you more than you thought.

9. She does things for you instead of letting you do it yourself

If you have grown up with an enmeshed mother, it may have been normal for you to hear things like “you don’t have to do that, I’ll do it for you and besides, you don’t know how” or “let me help you with that, you can’t handle it on your own”. This way of treating you is your mother’s way of making you dependent on her for the smallest things in life. Her job as a mother is however to teach you how to do things on your own and encourage your independence whenever possible, not take it away from you and create dependency in the relationship. This leads a child to believe they can’t do things in life without their mother’s help. They believe that they are stupid, inadequate or not capable enough and this creates immense problems in adulthood. This dependency can then continue into adulthood because the enmeshed mother has raised her child in that way, making them feel completely dependent on her forever.

10. She comes between you and your partner

If your mother constantly comes between you and your partner, making you choose sides she wants to put you in a position where you feel terrified of losing her. She knows that you feel obligated towards her, she also knows that you will feel terribly guilty if you don’t do as she says and she also wants you to feel ashamed of yourself for making someone else more important than her, including yourself. The enmeshed mother gets shocked and surprised if you don’t just rush into her arms when she says “It’s either me or him”. It’s her way of saying “How dare you choose anyone or anything else than me?”, “How dare you not obey me?” which will give you an idea of how incredibly selfish and unhealthy this dynamic is. She expects to be in the middle of your relationship or the center of it at all times. She expects you to put her first, above yourself, your kids and your partner. This is because she focuses only on how to fulfill her own needs, not thinking about anyone else’s needs or wants. This is not loving, this is abuse.

11. She doesn’t like there to be any “secrets” between you

This essentially means that your mother doesn’t want you to have any privacy, space or a life where she isn’t the centre of your attention. This is a relationship without boundaries and any relationship which lacks boundaries is bound to be problematic. Boundaries are extremely important in any relationship, especially with your mother. If you don’t have any limits in a relationship, anyone can do anything they like. The enmeshed mother however will be the one that decides what limits she has, but will not care if you have or try to set limits with her. Because again, she only cares about her needs being fulfilled. She may say sorry when you stand up to her only to do the same mistake again later on. This is not a genuine apology it is just a way to get you off her back for the moment. She wants your life to be completely accessible to her, whenever she likes it to be. This permission is something you have been forced to give to your mom because as a child you were ill-equipped to understand what was happening, let alone deal with it differently. Now, however, you are an adult and you can take away her permission to have access to your life. You can set yourself free from her control, guilt, shame and manipulation. Much of her so-called love feels needy, clingy and restrictive to you but this is the love you know and many times it’s what you look for in potential partners as well. The same dynamic can also be created in friendship relationships, where you become a sort of rescuer, caretaker and parent to the people in your life. This is not healthy and it is most definitely not love. Love is about freedom, encouragement, affection, respect, flexibility, acceptance and space. 

To the enmeshed mother you mean everything to her and to her this means:

• You are responsible for her happiness. 
• You can’t live without her and she can’t live without you. 
• You are not allowed to have a life in which she isn’t involved. 
• You can’t have secrets with her, you are not allowed to love anyone more than her.
• If you say no to her it means you don’t love her.
• If you don’t want what she wants it means you don’t love her.

12. She has taught you that you must earn her love by giving her what she wants

By constantly withholding her love from you whenever you don’t do as she says, wants or needs you were taught to ignore your own needs, desires and wants in order to please her. Not only this, but your mother has then also taught you that you must always put other people before yourself. Please everyone else and ignore your own needs and wants. This teaches you a very dangerous and unhealthy belief which is that your needs and wants don’t matter. She is teaching you the false belief that you are not important and in order for you to have any value and to be loved you must please other people. This is a horrible, dysfunctional and dangerous way of living your life. You can end up in very dangerous, violating situations in life if you are focused on pleasing other people and ignoring your own needs and wants. This can easily lead to you being e physically or emotionally violated without even knowing it because you are so used to overriding your own needs and letting people step all over you. Ignoring your own needs, limits and wants can also lead to a loss of self-esteem and self-confidence, high self-doubt, not feeling good enough and many more difficulties in your life. If you believe that you are not good enough unless you are able to make everybody happy you know that is a recipe for disaster. Not only is it impossible to please everybody but it is NOT YOUR JOB to do so. Your job is to take care of your OWN NEEDS, WANTS AND DESIRES. YOU matter and you must start giving yourself what you deserve, learn to say no and change the focus from making others happy to making yourself happy first and foremost. This means, if you feel uncomfortable, unhappy, disgusted, or bad about doing something for someone, you don’t do it, you say no, you leave, you say stop. Despite people’s feelings and reactions. You should care about those who show the same care, love and respect towards you.

13. She keeps you in a FOG – Fear, Obligation and Guilt

If you have been taught that love means sacrificing yourself in order to make others happy, then, doing things for your mother even if you don’t feel like it becomes second nature to you. If you even try to do what you want, say no or change your usual response toward her, you will be hit with fear, obligation and guilt. 

FEAR that – you will lose your mother’s love and affection. 

The OBLIGATION is – to make her happy. 

You feel GUILT about expressing your feelings and anything that will hurt or upset her. 

These are the three powerful forces that help your mother keep the enmeshed bond between you two. If you feel like you will not survive without your mother’s love you are definitely not alone. This is very common in an enmeshed relationship with your mom, but a mother who withholds her love from you whenever you displease her is an abusive mother. Withholding love whenever you displease your mother is NOT love, it is abuse. There is a dependency you have built with your enmeshed mother which makes it feel impossible to live without her. She has tried hard to take away your sense of autonomy, independence and self-worth. The enmeshed mother is a master at manipulation and guilt-throwing. She will collect injustices in which she will be ready to share a list of times in which you have displeased her and not done what she wanted you to. She will use these so-called reasons in order for you to feel guilty and give her more of your time, and energy, take care of her and sacrifice more of yourself for her. She might even do this in a manner that comes across as nice or she will try very hard to sound pleasant. But you can sense that it is not genuine most of the time, even though you override that gut feeling you have which tells you she is being ingenuine and she wants something from you. When the enmeshed mother uses fear obligation and guilt to control you she wants you to believe that letting your mother down is the worst possible thing you can feel. 

If you can recognize or relate to some or maybe all of these 13 signs of enmeshment with your mother (or anyone else in your life) and want to get the right help to deal with this please contact me here www.khanselma.com/contact. I would love to work with you and help you with your unique situation. 

This is not something you should tackle on your own, despite what you may believe, this type of dynamic is abusive and traumatizing. Enmeshed relationships with a parent can create difficulties in your intimate relationships, give you a sense of low self-worth and it usually affects all areas of your life.

I have extensive experience in helping clients heal from enmeshment trauma using a combination of Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Sensorimotor psychotherapy. Both are evidence-based trauma treatments. I have worked with many clients who have struggled with this type of trauma and have seen them recover, build new healthy dynamics with their parents, and establish healthy boundaries that allow them to thrive.

If you’re struggling with enmeshment trauma, I would love to work with you and help you heal from this experience. Together, we can explore the underlying beliefs and emotions that are driving the enmeshment and heal the underlying wounds to free yourself from this type of relationship.

Using a combination of IFS and Sensorimotor psychotherapy, we can identify and unburden the parts of you that are holding onto the wounds from the past (and present) and help you develop new, healthier coping mechanisms that allow you to establish healthy boundaries and improve your relationships with your parents.

I am here to support you and guide you through the healing process. With your willingness to put in the work, I am confident that you can recover from enmeshment trauma and live a more fulfilling life. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you have any questions or would like to schedule a session.

In case,

• You are in an enmeshed relationship with your mom (or anyone) and are feeling completely drained with guilt, fear and responsibilities too heavy to carry
• You want to understand more about enmeshment trauma
• You feel angry and don’t understand why 
• You keep doing more and more to make your mother happy but nothing is ever enough
• You feel like you are drowning and have no energy to keep up with your mother’s demands anymore
• You are tired of being responsible for your mother’s (and everyone else’s) happiness
• You are starting to ask why you never feel happy and peaceful 
• You want to heal from your trauma that is causing you to feel completely drained and never enough
• You are fed up with your mother’s abuse but don’t know how to confront her
• You want to heal after leaving an enmeshed relationship and are not sure how to find healthy, loving, and respectful relationships or deal with the overwhelming sense of loss

and relate to any of these, do not hesitate to contact me. This is not something easy to go through but you need to know that there is help to get and you can be free from the intense and overwhelming feelings of guilt, fear and sense of obligation.

I really hope this article was helpful to you in some way. Subscribe to my newsletters to get updates and some other content that I share through my newsletters.

If you would like to read more on enmeshment you will find this article interesting: 14 signs your partner is enmeshed with his mom.

Do you know someone who can benefit from reading this article? Share it with them. 

This article is inspired by Dr. Susan Forwards’ book “Mothers Who Can’t Love – A Healing Guide for Daughters”, I highly recommend you read this book if you think you may have a toxic relationship with your mother.

If you would like to work with me, send me a message at www.khanselma.com/contact.  I always answer all my emails within 24 hours.

Love,

Selma

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