Do you recognize yourself in any of the following thoughts?

“My parents had a tough upbringing themselves, so I can’t blame them for how they treated me.”

“I must have done something to deserve the way my parents treated me.”

“Maybe if I had been a better child, things would have been different.”

“I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells around my parents.”

“No matter what I do, I can never please them.”

“I feel like I’m trapped in this toxic cycle and I don’t know how to escape.”

“I feel like I have to hide my true self from my family to avoid their judgment and criticism.”

“I don’t know who I am without my parents’ influence and control.”

If so, this article is for you. As a trauma therapist working with clients worldwide, I have observed a common thread: many people do not understand what toxic parents are and how their behavior can have devastating effects. I have also noticed that many adult children of toxic parents blame themselves for the abuse they suffered, I used to do the same before I began therapy.

This article aims to help you identify if you have toxic parents and provide clarity on how to heal from their toxic behavior. Through the stories of my clients, you will gain a deeper understanding of how toxic parenting can manifest in childhood. Some of the examples are based on real client experiences, others are purely for illustrative purposes, and the term “father” can easily be replaced by “mother” in all scenarios. 

What is Toxic Parenting and How do Toxic Parents Behave? 

Below are four common types of toxic parenting examples that accurately depict situations experienced by my clients. Names of clients and certain identifying details have been changed to protect their privacy.

Note: Toxic parenting can take many different forms beyond these examples.

1. Toxic parent: The jealous & narcissistic mother 

Emily, came to see me some years ago because (as Emily expressed it) she was struggling with her self-esteem. Emily was attractive, very creative, had straight A:s during all of her schooling, and was a very intelligent young woman. Yet her body language told a different story. It was as if the facts of her life told one story, and her body told a different one. I was surprised when I listened carefully to Emily’s words about how little she thought of herself. She consistently belittled her achievements and her looks, and believed that she was strange and not good enough. Emily said to me “I know I’m a failure and there’s clearly something fundamentally wrong with me as a person and as a woman. It’s only a matter of time until I’ll fail university.” I felt immense compassion toward Emily and when I asked her to tell me about her relationship with her parents, the picture Emily had painted of her life started to make sense.

Emily’s childhood was marked by an abusive and narcissistic mother. Her mother seemed to revel in Emily’s struggles and went out of her way to make her feel inadequate. This behavior is unfortunately normal for a narcissistic parent. Emily loved drawing from a young age and had a natural talent for it, but every time she showed her work to her mother, she received nothing but criticism and shaming. “You need to improve your coloring,” her mother would say, “Let me show you how it’s done because I’m much better than you.” Whenever Emily showed her mother her drawings, her mother would take over and draw on top of them to make them look better, diminishing Emily’s talent and hard work. Her mother’s constant criticism and belittling made Emily feel like she couldn’t measure up, and her confidence in her abilities was crushed. Emily’s mother, took pleasure in her daughter’s pain, and she felt jealous of Emily’s evident talent. In the narcissistic parent’s world, there is only room for one person and that is the parent. 

One day, Emily’s grandmother put one of her paintings up on the wall, and Emily’s mother’s reaction was vicious. She berated Emily and her work so harshly that Emily decided to stop drawing altogether. The toxic parent who is jealous and narcissistic will not stand to see you succeed at anything because it triggers their own deeply suppressed feelings of inadequacy. Emily’s toxic mother did everything in her power to crush Emily’s spirit.

After a year of weekly IFS therapy sessions, Emily has undergone quite a transformation. She has regained her passion for drawing and has healed many parts of herself that were traumatized by her mother’s toxic parenting. She no longer hears her mother’s voice telling her that she’s not good enough. Emily has also undergone a significant change in her body language. She no longer carries herself in a timid or shy manner, but instead, she can look people in the eye with confidence and self-assurance. Throughout therapy, Emily has made significant strides, including cutting off all contact with her toxic parents, soon completing her nursing degree, and learning to recognize and avoid toxic people. She no longer self-sabotages (cutting, binge eating, and seeking out dangerous relationships) and has developed the ability to set strong boundaries with everyone around her. She’s developed a deep sense of self-compassion, which has translated into compassion for others. Most important of all, Emily is able to recognize her triggered parts (emotions), show compassion toward them and self-regulate. It’s remarkable to witness Emily’s progress and growth, and it’s a testament to her courage and commitment to healing from her toxic upbringing. Emily credits IFS therapy with helping her in ways that traditional talk therapy couldn’t. Even now, she continues to find value in her sessions, making progress towards healing the wounds of her traumatic childhood one step at a time.

To book your one free session of IFS therapy with me, contact me at www.khanselma.com/contact.

2. Toxic parent: The Criticising and Dismissive Father 

Eric had been suffering because of his toxic father who frequently criticized him and offered unsolicited opinions about Eric’s life. Eric shares that every time he brought home a good grade from school, his father would criticize the way he had answered some questions, saying things like, “You missed a couple of key points in that essay. You could have done better if you had paid more attention.” Or “Is that what you call a good grade? Why didn’t you get full marks?” His father never acknowledged Eric’s achievements or praised him for his hard work.

In addition to academic performance, Eric’s father often criticized the way Eric interacted with others. He would say things like “You are too shy, man up! And you’re acting awkward, I’m ashamed calling you my son”. He also criticized the way Eric spent his free time, saying that he was a lazy spoiled brat, or that he spent too much time on his phone. I listened with compassion as Eric continued telling me his story. His father was also, critical to say the least, of Eric’s career choices. When Eric expressed an interest in pursuing a career in the arts, his father told him “Forget about stupid things like art, it’s an absolute waste of time. Wake up and don’t live in a dreamland. Don’t dare speak of this nonsense idea with me again, do you hear me?” Eric was forced to pursue a traditional career path because he was a man and had responsibilities to take on in the family. 

With this upbringing, along with a passive mother, Eric felt more and more pressured, ashamed, and deeply hurt. Because of his sense of inadequacy and deeply suppressed emotions, he unconsciously took out his frustration on the women he dated with devastating consequences. He also coped with his inner pain by drowning himself in work, working harder than anyone he knew, in the hope, his dad would feel proud of him. It was also a way for Eric to avoid facing the internal chaos of agony, anger, and shame that he was forced to suppress in order to continue living life from an “apparently normal part” of himself. But no matter what he did, Eric could never live up to his toxic father’s expectations. And no matter how hard he suppressed his true feelings, they had their way to the surface, like feelings always do, usually in destructive ways. He lived with constant pressure in his chest, had frequent unexplained headaches, had a quick temper, and was often told he came across as emotionally unavailable. Eric’s entire identity rested on his work and he often felt “messed up” or “broken” inside but was very skilled at concealing this to everyone around him, including himself at times.

Eric came to me seeking IFS therapy to work through his childhood experiences, and we have been working together to rebuild his self-esteem and trust in his own abilities. Although Eric’s journey is still ongoing in therapy, he has made significant progress. Not only has he been able to get rid of his headaches, but he has also gained a better understanding of why part of him was so angry. Additionally, Eric has learned to work fewer hours, set strong boundaries with his toxic father, and direct compassion towards himself instead of towards his father.

Through our therapy sessions, Eric realized that his identity and self-worth are not tied to work, but rather in how he treats himself and the wounded parts of himself. He was able to release the tremendous grief, anger, and shame that was put onto him by his father’s judgment and opinions of him. I helped Eric understand that the little boy inside him, who represents one of his many inner children or exiles, needed the chance to cry, be angry, and express what he really felt when he was shamed, hurt, and belittled by his dad.

By showing compassion towards himself, instead of his father, Eric has been able to open his heart towards others as well and not act out and project his anger toward women like before. Instead, he has learned to acknowledge and express his feelings in a healthy and constructive way. He now experiences life from a place of courage, connectedness, calm, and confidence that he never thought was possible before starting IFS therapy. He’s reparenting his younger selves (parts) in a way that he realizes his parents should have done. Eric’s journey is ongoing, and I am proud of the progress he has made and am excited to help him find more balance in his life.

3. Toxic parent: The enmeshed mother who is emotionally dependent on you 

John, had always been close to his mother, but as he grew older, he realized that their relationship had become unhealthy. He felt uneasy around his mother but wasn’t sure why. She was overly dependent on him for emotional support and would often overshare personal information about her life, including her unhappy marriage with John’s father. John found himself constantly feeling guilty when he couldn’t be there for his mother, even if it meant neglecting his own needs and those of his wife and children. His mother would call him multiple times a day, often interrupting family time, and would even show up unannounced at his home, expecting him to drop everything and tend to her needs.

John’s enmeshment with his mother started to take a toll on his marriage. His wife felt neglected and more like an afterthought, and they began to argue more frequently. John found himself becoming defensive and unable to set boundaries with his mother, which only made the situation worse. John felt a range of intense and conflicting emotions internally; one part felt a deep attachment and love towards his mother and another part felt resentment, anger, and guilt towards her. He felt trapped in a dynamic that restricted his ability to establish autonomy and make independent decisions.

When John’s wife was in the hospital after giving birth to their second child, John’s mother insisted on being in the delivery room and staying with them at the hospital, even though John’s wife had explicitly told her she needed privacy. This caused a huge fight between John and his wife, and it took them months to repair the damage to their relationship.

Another time, John’s mother invited herself on their family vacation. She refused to stay in a separate room and insisted on spending every moment with them. This made John’s wife feel like she had no say in the matter and left her feeling resentful and unimportant. John’s wife also felt angry at him for not understanding how inappropriate it was for his mother to refuse to stay in a separate room. There were no boundaries present, not to mention privacy for the couple.

John naturally struggled with overwhelming emotions due to everything that was going on in his marriage and relationship with his mother. After years of struggling to set boundaries with his mother and feeling like he was failing both his wife’s and his mother’s expectations, John finally decided to seek therapy.

To book your one free session of IFS therapy with me, contact me at www.khanselma.com/contact.

We worked together in IFS therapy, and slowly but steadily John learned how to set boundaries with his mother and put his own needs and the needs of his family first. He was able to repair the damage to his marriage and create a healthier relationship with his mother, one where loving her didn’t mean he had to neglect, sacrifice, and give up his own and his family’s needs. John also discovered through IFS therapy the core wounds that were the reason for his enmeshed relationship with his mother. He came to the realization that a healthy, loving relationship never requires the child to erase his identity in order to be loved. He realized that independence from parents is the natural and healthy development for a child as they move into adulthood. And that feeling suffocated by one or both parents is not normal. John’s resolve to heal his childhood wounds has been incredible to witness and I feel honoured to have been part of his healing journey.

4. Toxic parent: The physically abusive dad who says “I disciplined you for your own good and because you were a difficult child”. 

Jane’s father was a physically abusive and emotionally volatile man, who would often fly into fits of rage over minor infractions or perceived slights. He would strike his children and berate them with insults, leaving them feeling frightened and humiliated. Jane was frequently the target of his abuse, even for things she didn’t do or couldn’t control.

For example, one time when she was 10 years old, Jane’s father became angry with her for dropping a glass of milk on the floor. He slapped her hard across the face, leaving her with a red mark. Jane remembered that her body simply froze at that moment and that she didn’t understand what had just happened. She also remembers feeling overwhelmed, ashamed, hurt, angry, and very guilty because she upset her dad. She believed that there was something wrong with her and that’s why her father treated her like this.

When Jane was a teenager, her father often belittled her and criticized her choices, especially when it came to her appearance and weight. He would tell her that she was too fat, that her hair looked messy, or that her clothing was inappropriate. He would compare her unfavorably to other girls her age, saying things like “Why can’t you be more like Stella? She is so thin and pretty.”

Despite her efforts to please her father, Jane felt like she could never measure up to his standards. She began to develop a distorted body image and became obsessive about her weight and appearance. She would stand in front of the mirror, scrutinizing her features and trying to find ways to improve them. Jane developed an eating disorder due to her father’s toxic ways. She began restricting her food intake and excessively exercising in an attempt to lose weight and meet her father’s unrealistic expectations. Her eating disorder consumed her life, and she became increasingly isolated from friends and family as she struggled to cope with her father’s physical and verbal abuse. Jane described to me how the thoughts (or parts of herself) would tell her that she was too fat, and no matter how much weight she seemed to lose it was never enough. Another part of her said that she doesn’t deserve to be happy until she was thin enough. She also told me “I feel so much better about myself when I’m starving or exercising.” But after starving herself, feelings of shame and guilt would follow. She felt stuck in a cycle of hell and part of her knew if she continued this way it would be the death of her one day. As if her eating disorder wasn’t enough, Jane also began to feel like she couldn’t trust her own judgment, constantly seeking validation from others and feeling anxious and insecure in social situations. Jane said to me “The only good thing that came from starving my body was that my father stopped hitting me because I was simply too weak to take his beatings any longer.” He did however continue to verbally abuse her. 

Jane’s father had a twisted reasoning behind his abuse. He saw Jane as a rebellious and difficult child who needed to be put in her place. In his eyes, she deserved physical and verbal punishment for anything he decided was punishable. To make matters worse, he would often say things like “I do this because I love you” or “I wouldn’t hit you if you weren’t so difficult!”

I told Jane with all the compassion I could muster that her father’s abuse had nothing to do with her but had to do with his own deep-rooted insecurities and need for control. His sense of entitlement, lack of empathy, and excessive need for power and control are the drive for his toxic behavior. And I told Jane that I’m deeply sorry that she had to go through the pain of having a father who neglected her basic needs as a daughter and even as a human being. This type of abuse strips you from your sense of dignity, worth, and sense of self. That’s what happened to Jane. Her father’s abuse had a profound and lasting impact on her life. The emotional scars and trauma from the abuse led to a range of debilitating mental health issues, apart from her eating disorder, Jane got diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, and had frequent panic attacks. She also struggled with low self-esteem, leading her to seek out toxic relationships involving both emotional and physical violence. She was drawn to the familiarity of their mistreatment as if it was her “normal” to be treated without respect. 

Being with these toxic men, thoughts like “he is the only one who loves me” and “he isn’t always mean, there are times he is very loving and kind” clouded Jane’s judgment and made it difficult for her to see the reality of her situation. Part of her was convinced that she needed her abuser, that she couldn’t survive without him, and that leaving him would mean certain death. It was a vicious cycle that perpetuated her pain and suffering.

She believed that she could fix the toxic men she was involved with, or that their occasional loving moments made up for the abuse. She also felt a strong addiction to her partners, as if some outside force was keeping her attached to them. In her mind, leaving them meant being alone and unloved.

Jane’s story is unfortunately all too common for individuals who have experienced abuse at the hands of a toxic parent. If you are also someone who has gone through this, know that you’re not alone in your struggles. Jane was able to recognize that her relationship with her father was only causing more harm than good, and in therapy, she began the journey of healing from the traumatic experiences of her childhood. Through IFS therapy, Jane learned to show compassion to her younger selves, and gradually let go of the painful memories that had weighed her down for so long. 

The eating disorder was one of the hardest parts of herself to face, but with courage, curiosity, and compassion, Jane was able to help them too. She found out, like we all do in IFS therapy, that none of her parts who used the eating disorder as a coping mechanism was trying to hurt her. They were only trying to protect her from her father’s abuse, and at the time, the protective parts of her actually succeeded in that goal. Because as you read, through starving her body, her father stopped hitting her. So we appreciated the protective parts of Jane for the incredible job they did for her during her childhood. Then, we helped the parts to find new roles in Jane’s life, instead of having to starve her, they found healthier ways to protect her. Such as learning to say no to abusive men and other toxic relationships. Eating healthier to keep her body strong and energetic. These parts of Jane were willing to take on new roles because they understood that she is no longer a helpless child, she is an adult today and her father is no longer around to beat her or verbally abuse her. Jane has managed to unburden the parts related to her eating disorder and no longer has an eating disorder. 

She was able to leave the toxic relationship she was in and has learned how to distinguish toxic behavior from loving behavior. She still has parts of herself that are drawn to toxic men but she is able to recognize them as parts of herself and not all of her. This allows her to lead life from an adult state of mind. Jane still has a lot of work left to do in therapy in order to fully resolve her many traumatic experiences in childhood but she has come a long way already and I am happy to be part of her journey of healing.

I don’t want to blame my parents for my problems, I’m an adult and I’m the only one responsible for my life. Besides, how do I know that I’m not the one that’s “messed up”?

When you’ve had toxic parents, regardless of the type of toxic parenting you experienced, you’ll suffer similar consequences. You’ll feel like your sense of self is damaged, and you’ll struggle with overwhelming emotions that you don’t understand or know how to control. Or, you may feel absolutely nothing when thinking of your childhood and your parent’s treatment of you, believing that this makes you stronger and protected from being hurt. Whether you feel “nothing” about your childhood or overwhelmed, you may engage in self-destructive behavior in order to cope with your internal struggle. Yes, even if you numb yourself or feel nothing, you still struggle internally. This is because feeling nothing or feeling too much does not help us heal from past wounds. Addiction to smoking, drinking, gambling, sex, work, or exercise are all common ways to deal with the pain inside. Distractions can help you to temporarily avoid your emotions by staying busy, but it does not make you feel better in the long run. Drowning in work is a special coping mechanism because we live in a society that rewards overachievers – missing the underlying factors that usually drive overachieving parts – emotional pain and a deep sense of inadequacy. You’ll have spent your life trying to please, fix, stand on one leg, twist, and turn until you’re blue in the face, all for one reason only – to be seen, validated, respected, heard, and loved by your parents. You wish that someday they’ll love you the way you need them to, or you’ll meet someone who will love you for who you are. At times you may even convince yourself that you accept your parents the way they are and that you’re over it now, you’ve forgiven them because they had their own pain to deal with. Regardless of how you are dealing with your pain, you are normal and it makes sense that you’re dealing with what you’ve been through in your own way.

If you still feel like you don’t want to blame your parents, and that your situation is different than all the above examples, I hear you and I even understand you. 

I will encourage you to ask yourself some questions if you feel like you have the curiosity or courage to do so, if not, you don’t have to. 

What will happen if you find out that you’re not the one to blame for their treatment of you throughout your childhood? What will happen if you do in fact hold them responsible for the behaviors that were indeed toxic? And one last question, if everything was your fault and not your parents, why would you be reading this article at all?

Usually, the answer is scarier than all the abuse or harsh treatment or neglect you suffered in childhood. Because if they are to blame and not you, there is nothing you can do to make them love you. This means you would stop trying to please, fix, be perfect, and everything else you’ve been doing your whole life to get them to love you. That’s a very scary reality for most. 

It can feel easier to keep fighting, trying, and clinging to the hope for the rest of your life, that one day your parents will realize your value and love you. But the truth is, when it comes to toxic parents, no matter how much you try, you’ll not make them love you because they just don’t have the empathy, kindness, compassion, and courage required for healthy love. And that has nothing to do with you, it has to do with their own unhealed trauma. 

If you blame yourself, which all children do (because it’s the only way to survive psychologically), there is still hope that things can get better, because the belief is “I’m the problem, not their behavior, not them”. This is the incredible and simultaneously tragic way children help themselves survive a toxic childhood because as a child you don’t know any other way of surviving. It’s easier to think “daddy is angry because I did something bad” than to think “daddy cannot be trusted and has rage attacks that harm me and everyone else in the family”.

So if I had toxic parents, what does that mean for me as an adult?

As a therapist, I’ve heard countless stories from clients who have suffered the effects of toxic parenting without even realizing it. Unfortunately, this is a common issue that affects people all around the world, including me before I began my own healing through IFS therapy. Allow me to paint a raw and honest picture of how an adult can get affected by toxic parenting, to illustrate this point.

Example of what it can feel like as an adult having grown up with toxic parents:

At times, work feels like a blessing because it provides a temporary escape from the loneliness that awaits me at home. Right now I’m single but when I think about it, even when I was with the man I thought was the love of my life, I felt lonely. His occasional kindness and angry outbursts even, made me feel connected to him and not so alone, that was better than having to feel the chaos inside me. I’m such a mess, can’t blame my parents for seeing it too, they’re right, I’ll never change. 

When I come home from work, I occasionally pour myself a glass or two of wine or hit the gym to numb the pain, food always makes me feel better too, I just wish the good feelings would last but they never do. I scroll through social media, feeling generally disconnected from everyone, and feel worse about my life, but at least it keeps me distracted from my feelings. 

The voices in my head are so loud and harsh, the strongest voice is my inner bully, constantly telling me that I will be alone forever, that there’s no one out there for me, and that I’m a loser. I hear my mother’s voice telling me that I need to eat better, love myself, and stop being so damn lazy. I hate living in my head and often wonder if I’m bipolar or something. Sometimes, I just numb it all with alcohol or Netflix, hoping to forget the gnawing anxiety in my chest. Hate the anxiety too.

All the pressure at work and my coworkers who don’t understand me only add to my stress. They’re just like my parents, making constant demands and whining about everything. Everyone just cares about themselves. I’ll show them all one day! But what if I can’t, what if I fail? What if I’m not good enough? My father never thought I would achieve anything, and sometimes I believe him. I’m so confused and fed up, I don’t even know what I’m doing with my life half the time. Tired of biting my tongue and not being able to say what I really feel and think. Tired of agreeing to shit I don’t want to do and being polite to assholes who don’t deserve it. When is it my turn to speak or be heard?  

My mom doesn’t seem to listen to me still. Whenever I talk to her, she just starts giving me the guilt and lectures me about how ungrateful I am. Or she goes on about her demands like I don’t even have a choice, “Come over for dinner this weekend”, “Call your father he isn’t feeling well”, “You need to get out more and find yourself a man, stop being so picky or you’ll end up alone.” Sick of their constant demands and whining and sick of trying to fix them. She tells me I don’t listen to her, don’t even understand how she finds that logical since I’m the only one that listens when we call or meet! She is so selfish, why doesn’t she get it, why can’t she just change, even a little? Why is it always me who has to change? 

I feel like I’m being held down just by talking to her on the phone! I can’t seem to do anything right, and I hate myself for it. I’m such a pushover, and I can’t stand up to anyone. I hate life, but I know I need to keep my head above water. I don’t hate her, I mean she’s only human after all but it still hurts and I don’t know why I have to be so damn sensitive. I just gotta get over it I guess, be more productive, and get busier, maybe that will help.

Maybe I’ll start meditating soon, and I should read that book about how to be more productive and prove my dad wrong. I need to learn how to wake up earlier and stop being so lazy. Finally, the day is over, I hope I don’t get nightmares tonight, maybe best to take a pill or watch videos until I just pass out.

If you can relate to this story, know that you’re not alone. However you relate, it’s completely normal to feel the way you do. Realizing that your parents are toxic is a difficult journey, and simply becoming aware of it doesn’t mean that everything will be fine. You will have days where a part of you will deny that your parents did anything wrong, while other times you will hear a part that says the forbidden words “I hate my parents”. It’s these inner conflicts that require your attention, healing, and compassion.

To book your one free session of IFS therapy with me, contact me at www.khanselma.com/contact.

In IFS therapy, my role is to help you explore and understand your inner world, allowing you to get curious about it. Together, we can work towards bringing balance, calm, and healing to the parts of you that feel overwhelmed or are “driving you mad”. These parts are not trying to hurt you, but rather trying to get your attention because they have been living a certain way for so long and don’t know any other way to keep you safe and protected.

It’s important to understand that the examples we’ve discussed in this article are only a few of the many symptoms that can arise from having toxic parents. Other common symptoms include: 

1. Low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness
2. Anxiety and/or depression
3. Difficulty with setting boundaries and saying no
4. People-pleasing tendencies
5. Difficulty with trusting others
6. Perfectionism and/or fear of failure
7. Constant self-criticism and self-doubt
8. Difficulty with expressing emotions and/or recognizing emotions in others
9. Anger management issues and/or difficulty with regulating emotions
10. Struggles with intimacy and/or forming healthy relationships
11. Self-destructive behaviors, such as substance abuse, eating disorders, and self-harm
12. Chronic feelings of guilt and shame
13. Difficulty with decision-making and/or feeling helpless
14. Need for control in relationships and/or life situations
15. Negative self-talk and/or negative internal dialogue.
16. Fear of abandonment or rejection
17. Inability to identify or communicate personal needs and wants
18. Difficulty with assertiveness or standing up for oneself
19. Chronic self-blame or self-sabotage
20. Chronic feelings of loneliness, isolation, or disconnection
21. Emotional detachment or avoidance
22. Hypervigilance or constant scanning for threats or danger
23. Difficulty with self-care or neglecting one’s own needs
24. Chronic physical symptoms or illnesses without a clear medical explanation
25. Difficulty with trusting oneself or one’s own instincts
26. Feelings of being disconnected from one’s own identity or sense of self
27. Difficulty with forgiveness or holding onto resentment.
28. Insomnia
29. Ptsd (post-traumatic stress disorder)
30. DID (Dissociative identity disorder)

Can you relate to any of the examples or situations mentioned in this article? Are you starting to realize that your parents were indeed toxic? Maybe you already knew your parents were toxic but are now realizing that it’s worse than you thought. If so, I urge you to seek help. Trauma therapy, especially evidence-based treatments such as IFS therapy, can be the best investment you make in your healing and in your life, weather you choose me as your therapist or someone else. To read more about what IFS therapy is read https://khanselma.com/what-is-internal-family-systems/. 

What sets me apart as a therapist is my 100% commitment to your healing process, driven by my own personal experience as a survivor of toxic parents, narcissistic abuse, and domestic violence. I have already helped many clients free themselves from the grips of toxic parenting. Clients who have managed to cut contact with parents set boundaries with them, and significantly reduced their trauma-related symptoms. IFS therapy saved my life, and I approach each and every client with a strong sense of purpose and conviction, believing wholeheartedly in the effectiveness of IFS therapy and its ability to help people overcome their past traumas no matter how big or small to move towards a more balanced and fulfilling life.

Another thing I love about IFS therapy is its non-pathologizing and accepting approach, which focuses on understanding and healing the underlying parts of yourself that have been affected by past traumas, rather than defining you by one of several diagnoses and implying that you are doomed to live with those symptoms forever. IFS emphasizes that your symptoms were developed in order to help you survive your childhood and these symptoms are only parts of you, trying to help you the best they can. Helping these parts of you to find new roles in your life and let go of the burdens they carry is the main focus of IFS, along with welcoming every single part of you. 

Through IFS therapy, I’ve been able to effectively reduce my PTSD symptoms and break free from trauma bonds with my past relationships. I’ve also managed to cut contact with all my family members since they were toxic to my health and well-being and setting boundaries with them did not help since most toxic people tend to disrespect boundaries.

This isn’t some magical fix, but rather, IFS therapy tackles the root causes of your issues. As a child or teenager, you may have engaged in destructive behaviors or developed certain coping mechanisms to avoid emotional pain, maintain control, avoid rejection, or preserve your self-esteem. None of these things are inherently bad; (book recommendation “No bad parts” by Dr. Richard Schwartz) they served a purpose in helping you survive in your past environment. Another book recommendation is (“Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life” by Dr. Susan Forward). I really hope this article was helpful to you in some way.

Here’s what you can do right away to take some form of action toward your healing:

1. Get in touch to schedule a session with me at www.khanselma.com/contact. I offer one free session to see if we are the right fit and for you to try IFS therapy with me. 

2. Subscribe to my newsletters (below) for healing tools and other content that I only share with subscribers

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4. Help someone else: Share this article with someone who needs to read it

5. Start reading the book recommendations to help your healing process

If you know anyone who could benefit from this article, please feel free to share it. 

And if you’re interested in trying out a free session of IFS therapy with me, you can contact me at www.khanselma.com/contact. I promise to get back to you within 24 hours.

Sending you compassion,

Selma

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