Trauma bonding is when you’re attached to a person (abuser) who consistently betrays you in one way or another. This could be emotionally, physically, financially, mentally or verbally. Yet, you feel addicted to the abuser and panic at the mere thought of leaving.

One part of you want to leave, another, stay. This inner conflict usually stems from the abusers confusing behavior, shifting from cruel to tender. You find yourself making excuses for their behaviors no matter how many times you get hurt. One of the reasons for trauma bonding is the attempt of resolving your childhood traumas through the destructive relationship. You try to get the abuser to change and love you even though they show little or no capacity for healthy love. In this article, I’ll help you understand the signs of trauma bonded relationships and give you some tools to begin breaking this destructive bond.

I’m using “he” for simplicity’s sake but the abuser can very well be a “she”.

1. But he is so good to me at times I don’t think he is abusive (cognitive dissonance)

If you find yourself making excuses for his abusive behaviors (which is common to do) you are trauma bonded. In order to live with a person who alternates between cruel and tender, you must find a way to make sense of it. When he is cruel you feel hurt and scared. In order to deal with the pain, your brain makes up a story about his behavior. That can go something like “he didn’t mean it”, “she is just stressed out”, “I must have triggered him”, “She only gets like that when she drinks”, “tomorrow it will be better”, “It’s not that bad, many have it worse”, “If I stop triggering him he will stop abusing me” etc. This is what’s called cognitive dissonance. 

This behavior usually stems from childhood because as a child you can’t escape your parent’s mistreatment. In order to survive, you make up a story about your parent’s behavior shifting from abusive to tender. Cognitive dissonance is therefore a survival mechanism and was effective to you as a child. As an adult, however, it does not serve you the same way. Because you are no longer a child who is helpless and cannot survive without your parents or a caregiver. You are now an adult who is capable of surviving on your own but in trauma bonded relationships the thinking process is usually driven by the child within you, not the adult. Which is one of the reasons it is so difficult to leave the abuser.

So if you notice yourself making excuses for the abuser’s behaviors no matter how many times you get hurt you are trauma bonded to this person. It works much like an addiction where you feel as if you cannot live without this person. 

Insight: No matter how good he is to you at times or how successful in his career, handsome, or whatever perks he is offering, the damage he does to you emotionally and/or physically cannot be overlooked, erased, or minimized.

2. He makes promises he doesn’t intend to keep

If you’ve heard “I’ll stop smoking when we get kids I promise”, “I will change I promise”, “I’ll do anything please just don’t leave me”, “I’ll go to therapy and I’ll be different I swear”, among other promises that never come true, this is common in trauma bonded relationships. The abuser promises you things in the future that he never intends to keep. He will paint a future that will never exist because he has no intentions of making that future a reality. He takes no action on his promises. Fake promises are a way for him to gain back control over you, by convincing you to stay in the relationship, making you stop asking for something you need, or to avoid talking about a serious topic. 

The abuser wants to make you believe that things will get better one day in the future. This way he doesn’t have to take responsibility for the present or the past. He uses pretty words to get out of a sticky situation. It can be “I’ll call you later” or “We’ll have this discussion next week I promise”, yet none of that ever happens. If this is something you experience often in your relationship, beware! This is also a sign of trauma bonding. Think of it this way – trauma bonding means you’re attached to someone who keeps hurting you in different ways. Breaking promises is a form of betrayal, especially when it happens over and over again. 

Insight: Try not to fall into the trap of making excuses again for his behaviors such as “he must be tired”, “he will have the conversation later, he must have forgotten”, “he must be telling the truth, why would he lie about that”. The narcissist especially uses this tactic to make you live in a fantasy world while they get the control they want over you again. A narcissist, especially, will do anything to gain control at any cost. Narcissist or not, this is toxic, manipulative, and deceitful behavior and does not belong in healthy love.

3. Arguments about same topics without resolve

In trauma bonds, the abuser has no intention, willingness, or understanding to solve the problems you face which is why you end up fighting about the same topics. He’ll tell you “You’re making a big deal out of nothing” or “You’re being too sensitive” or “too difficult about everything”. He’ll use put-downs, acting as the expert, minimize you, confuse you until you feel disoriented in the middle of the conversation. You’re left wondering how this turned into a full-blown attack when you wanted to discuss and resolve a simple concern with him.

If he can’t get you to stop discussing a topic he will use verbal or even physical abuse to make you stop. It’s common for him to bring up irrelevant things from the past just to hurt you. He’ll use topics that are vulnerable to you to get a one-upmanship. This is the dark power of the toxic person. He isn’t interested in resolving anything, he’s interested in controlling you and winning at all costs. He doesn’t see you as a teammate, he sees you as a person who is trying to make him look bad.

He can also avoid topics completely and apologize only to repeat mistakes. He’s rigid in the way he does things, in the way he behaves and thinks. He isn’t interested in changing, he’s interested in making you change so he can feel good about himself. If you don’t change, he’ll most likely leave you because in his mind you seem too difficult to control! 

If you are trauma bonded you’ll notice that he shows little to no emotional maturity. No capacity to self-reflect, understand and empathize with others (especially if he is a narcissist). He also usually has a low sense of self-worth. A toxic person’s self-worth usually comes from external validation. So he’s emotionally fragile and cannot handle the simplest conversation. He’ll take a concern, feeling or need you to share as an outright insult, criticism or a personal attack. Instead of trying to understand you, he translates you sharing a concern as you telling him how incapable and inadequate he is. This can easily turn into a rage fit and out of proportion black or white type of behaviors that are extreme and unhealthy. It can leave you thinking “what the hell did I say?”. 

Insight: Remember, don’t blame yourself for anyone’s abusive, irrational behaviors. Nothing excuses abusive behavior! It is not normal or healthy to start abusing, yelling, or get overly defensive when you are trying to communicate a concern with him. It is his responsibility for acting the way he does, not yours. 

4. I know my relationship is unhealthy but I can’t leave

Another sign you are trauma bonded is if you’re questioning yourself despite seeing little or no change in him. Your question can sound like “what if I’m wrong?”. He may have hurt you more times than you can count and you are fed up with it but still, you feel the doubt every time you think of leaving. You may even panic at the thought of separating from him, even if you are convinced that he is bad news. All of this is common when you are trauma bonded. You may have been in an abusive relationship for years and now you’re starting to see the signs of abuse, betrayal, fake promises and a constant sense of being on edge. 

Whether you feel panic over the thought of leaving him or doubtful – living with abuse and toxicity for long can make you become desensitized to it, which means it almost feels normal. Justification, confusion, doubt, and an obsessive focus on the relationship and all its drama keep you distracted (from yourself) and hooked onto him. It’s like an addiction. This also gives you a lot of stress which could be something you’re used to since childhood. This can also be addictive and you may unconsciously seek out stressful relationships, environments, and even movies/series that give you similar “stress fixes”.

The more you focus on him or the relationship, the less you focus on yourself, your body, your mind, and your inner turmoil. You don’t have the time nor energy to do that because he drains your energy. It is difficult for you to break a trauma bond when you barely feel like you have a moment to breathe. It is also difficult to break this bond because you love him, hate him and feel addicted to him all at the same time. This can feel very overwhelming for anyone! 

Toxic people keep you on edge, making you question every thought, every move and every action of theirs. If you’re used to being “the rescuer” or “problem solver” as a child, staying in the relationship trying to fix the unfixable can seem like the normal option. 

Insight: There are other options! Leaving is absolutely one of them but in order to break this strong and addictive bond, it is crucial that you begin therapy and heal your childhood wounds and traumas.

Exercise: If you feel ready, write down the things that have happened in your relationship. What are some of the worst things he has done or said? How has it affected your life? What has he taken from you or what pain has he caused you? This handwriting exercise can help you get insight, awareness, realizations, and a chance to release some of the pent-up emotions and energy in your body.

Next time he yells, acts outrageously, try to only observe what happens in your body. This will help you see the profound responses your body has towards his abuse. Are you clenching your jaw? Lifting your shoulders? Freezing where you stand? Not breathing? How do you think this affects your body, mind, and spirit in the long run?

5. Not able to share your feelings or needs

If you feel scared to share your feelings in a relationship you may be in a trauma bonded relationship. This fear is usually caused because you don’t know how they’ll react to your feelings, concerns and needs. Will you be screamed at? Will he give you the silent treatment? Will he tell you what a horrible person you are and that you only complain all the time? In a trauma bonded relationship it is never clear how the toxic person will react to your needs and feelings. There is hot and cold treatment, depending on his mood. His reactions are unpredictable and you feel on edge as if anything you say can be used against you. You may also feel scared that he may abandon you if you share how you really feel.

Ironically, he already has abandoned you if you cannot speak up about your feelings. If you feel scared, on edge, not cared for, abused he has already abandoned you. In order to not lose him, you neglect your feelings, needs, and wants. This is unhealthy because your belief says that in order to be loved you must lose yourself, not have any needs and sacrifice your own happiness and peace for love. But this isn’t healthy love. Healthy love welcomes expression and is nonjudgemental. In a healthy love relationship, you will feel that there is space for your needs, concerns, and wants. Healthy love also includes consistent care, support, affection, acknowledgment, praise, encouragement, feeling seen and heard, important and validated. Healthy love includes trust and does not include betrayal (especially not repeated betrayal).

Insight: By now you must be understanding that there is more going on deeper within you than what the surface shows. This is why I will invite you to think about the following. You may be holding on to the relationship by neglecting yourself, but ask yourself, what are you really holding on to? If you logically understand that he isn’t giving you healthy love, why do you think you’re really staying? Are you in a relationship with “a man of your dreams” or the man you see in front of you? Writing answers to these questions can give you a lot of healthy insights, realizations and help you understand yourself and this relationship.

6. Obsessing over a person who has hurt you but is now gone

Another sign of trauma bonding is when you obsess over a person that hurt you badly but is no longer in your life. This can feel like torture and inner turmoil and can last for years in some cases. This can include thinking of and daydreaming about that person, questioning what actually happened in the relationships and feel resentment mixed with loving emotions toward that same person. You may feel like you’re stuck in the past even if you may be married today with kids. It’s important to understand that this has to do with your unresolved childhood traumas and attachment wounds related to your caregivers. This means it has very little to do with the “magical” connection you experienced with the person you had a relationship with and more to do with the damaged attachment you experienced as a child with your parents. The obsession over this one person stems from the child in you, wishing that person could have provided you with what you needed in order for you to feel complete, whole and loved.

If that person left without reason or even with reason, the wounds you were already carrying before you met this person will get triggered. If you perhaps felt that you were going to die without them or even had severe physical symptoms when they left this is one of the core symptoms of attachment wounds from your relationship with your parents. The way to get out of the obsessive state of mind is to undergo trauma therapy and resolve these childhood traumas and attachment wounds. Allowing grief, loneliness and other painful emotions to surface. The way out of the unbearable obsession, overthinking, constantly missing someone and daydreaming is to allow your pain to be felt. Allow your heart to break and allow the tears to come. This is what healing is partly about, getting real about your inner state, however scary it may feel, expressing your pain is how you will begin to set yourself free from trauma bonds, obsessive relationships and constant betrayals.

Insight: If you have heard most of your friends or family say “just get over it now, it’s been over for years, you have to move on” I can understand how frustrating, painful and even shameful that may feel to you. I won’t say that to you. I will however ask you this; What was it about this person that made you “go crazy” for them? Write it down. Every detail. What was good and bad about him? How did you feel around him? What was missing? What parts of you did he help to bring out? What were the conditions you had to fulfill in order to be with him or gain his love? If you do this same exercise and exchange him with one of your caregivers what do you notice?

7. If I make him see how toxic his behavior is, I can rescue him and our relationship

Another sign of a trauma-bonded relationship is when you try to change the abuser by making him realize his abusive behaviors. The belief is “if I can make him understand and see what he is doing, he’ll change.” You feel empathy for his difficult past and want to help him. You convince yourself that he is a good person and all he needs in order to change is a nudge in the right direction. Wanting to “rescue” him from himself only becomes worsened with his stories of how other women treated him badly and used him for their own gains. He may tell you that he was kind, giving and generous in all his relationships but he found women who were greedy and selfish. Or that he was the bad guy in his previous relationships, but if you ask him what he did about his “bad ways” he will have nothing to back it up with. He’ll likely say “I’ve learned from my mistakes now” or “I was immature and young back then but now I know better”. He could’ve told you that you’re different and understand him like no one else. When he treats you horribly he’ll apologize and say “I swear I’ll never do it again” or “Don’t do that again and I won’t yell at you” or “If you just stop arguing with me I’ll never beat you again”.

Insight: You can try to rescue him but it won’t work because it isn’t your job and you cannot rescue anyone who does not want to rescue themselves. It is NOT your responsibility to rescue him. It is however your responsibility to rescue yourself by healing your past traumas which are keeping you stuck in trauma bonds. If you focus your energy on his problems, behaviors and difficult childhood you create an excuse to not look at your own wounds, childhood, past pain and behaviors. This is another indicator that the one who needs your attention, healing and focus is you. Ask yourself: If I didn’t focus on the relationship and him, where would my energy go? What would I do with my life? What could I do instead?

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If you can relate to any of these points you may be trauma bonded and therapy is usually a necessary step in order to begin healing. One of these therapies is the evidence-based treatment method IFS (Internal Family Systems Therapy). IFS works with different parts within you, in trauma bonded relationships you usually find one part that wants to stay in the relationship and one that wants to leave. In IFS treatment you are guided to listen to these parts within you and help them get the resolve they are looking for. These are usually the younger parts of you who need to be released of the burdens they carry due to childhood trauma. IFS will help you resolve your childhood traumas, release stuck energy from your body, and give your body and mind long-awaited relief. IFS also helps you to finally put the past in the past and gives you a real chance of living in the present and being more at ease with your body and mind. IFS also helps to ease the addictive and obsessive patterns your brain can easily fall into, in trauma-bonded relationships. 

I can help you begin your healing journey and would love to work with you. If you would like to work with me you can do so from any corner of the world, since I offer online therapy. Feel free to contact me at www.khanselma.com/contact. I always answer all my emails within 24 hours.

Do you know someone who can benefit from reading this article? Share it with them.

With love,

Selma

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