Dealing with a psychopath or a person with psychopathic traits can lead to feelings of severe depression, loneliness, uncontrollable rage and can plunge you into a place of emotional darkness and despair. Wounds that you never knew you had can surface all at once from being with a psychopath because they so easily (and happily) will use your vulnerabilities against you.

The more you break down the stronger they feel and the emotional agony that comes from being abandoned and used by them is absolutely overwhelming. Devoid of empathy (like narcissists are), they intentionally cause harm to others, are highly manipulative, and feel no remorse, guilt, or shame.

Psychopaths, narcissists, and sociopaths walk among us and they are more common than you think. What’s more common are individuals who have traits belonging to psychopaths, narcissists, and sociopaths among other cluster b personality disorders. Martha Stout, Ph.D., mentions in her book written in 2005 “The sociopath next door” that around 4% of the general population are sociopaths.

What does this number mean?

She asks to pay attention to the anorexic eating disorder which is estimated at 3.43 % and is deemed to be nearly epidemic. This is only a fraction lower than sociopathy. Schizophrenia is rated at around 1% of the population. The rate of colon cancer in the US, considered alarmingly high, is around 40 per 100 000 which is 100 times lower than the rate of sociopathy.

In other words, there are more sociopaths among us than the eating disorder anorexia, four times as many sociopaths as schizophrenics, and 100 times as many sociopaths as people diagnosed with colon cancer. If this information does not yet shock you, it should.

Dr. Ramani, a clinical psychologist and one of the world-leading experts on narcissism, mentions that around 2-6 % of the population in the US has the diagnosis of NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder). She says that this number may seem low, however, that’s because people with narcissistic patterns do not fulfill every criterion necessary for a complete NPD diagnosis. This means that people with narcissistic traits are toxic and dangerous too and the estimate of people having narcissistic traits is around 15-25%, which is around one in four or one in five people.

One in four/five people .. really let that sink in for a moment.

If you do the same estimate for psychopathy, sociopathy, and other cluster B personality disorders such as borderline personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder you can imagine that suddenly we are surrounded by people who have highly dangerous traits. Traits that ruin lives, successively break down a person’s psyche and leave people suicidal or sometimes drive people to commit suicide.

Books I highly recommend on this topic are “Surrounded by Psychopaths” and “Surrounded by Narcissists” by Thomas Erikson. These books can help you or someone you know to identify this type of abuse and escape from it. If you understand what to look out for, you have a higher chance of getting out or never getting involved with someone who has traits of psychopathy, narcissism, and other cluster b personality disorders.

Here are 30 signs you’re dealing with a psychopath, however, many of these traits will be found in sociopathy or antisocial personality disorder (APD), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), histrionic personality disorder (HPD), and borderline personality disorder (BPD).

If you notice even one trait in someone you have a relationship with, it will cause your body and mind serious harm. Dealing with this type of abuse on a consistent basis will traumatize you.

I’m writing (he) in the following text for simplicity, even females can be psychopaths, narcissists, and sociopaths. However, research shows that antisocial personality disorders (including psychopathy) and narcissistic personality disorder are more prevalent in males.

1. Gaslighting and crazymaking

He will deny his behavior and become dismissive and critical towards you for even pointing out anything wrong, hurtful, or inappropriate he said to you. He will ignore any evidence you have (even recorded conversations) by making you feel stupid and crazy. If you point something out to a psychopath such as “when you yell at me I feel hurt” or “when you don’t listen to me I feel like I don’t matter” he will somehow make it your fault for feeling that way. Saying things like “You are too sensitive”, “Learn to take a joke” or “You’re acting crazy and why are you making this into a big deal?”. The psychopath will condition you to believe that the problem isn’t the abuse itself but how you react to his abuse.

2. Complete lack of empathy

A psychopath can’t see things from your perspective and he just doesn’t care about anything you think or feel. He lacks any and all capacity to show affection, empathy, or compassion. If you’re suspecting that he lacks empathy, this in itself is dangerous because he will hurt you over and over without any sense of remorse, guilt, or shame. If you’re sick, he will simply disappear into thin air for that entire duration without any explanation. He will feel appalled when you express upset over him not being there, “how dare you to be upset?” he may say. When you cry, the psychopath will laugh at you, make you feel guilty for crying, or simply ignore you altogether in order to ‘teach’ you to stop communicating your feelings to him. Expressing what hurt you simply annoy him, and gives him ammunition for what buttons to push next time.

3. Hypocrisy

Do as I say, not as I do. A psychopath has high expectations of you that he will be vocal about. You must be loyal, adore him at all times and be respectful towards him. Put into one word, you are expected to be perfect at all times and he decides what perfect means. After the love-bombing phase (Read: 6 Signs You’re Dealing with a Narcissist) he will withdraw the manufactured love he showed at the beginning of your relationship. He will switch into a completely different person which can feel like your entire world turned upside down. He will cheat, lie, manipulate, abuse you and make you feel absolutely worthless and confused. He will coerce you sexually which can feel like rape, he will coerce you mentally, and psychologically while claiming to adhere to moral and ethical principles.

4. Pathological lying

A psychopath will lie on a constant basis, but why? Because he wants to have power over you, make you feel confused and mentally unbalanced. He can do this by creating a past that did not exist such as speaking of exes who treated him horribly to gain your sympathy and trust. He wants you to learn from these manufactured sob stories and behave differently than his “needy, cheating, and crazy” exes. If you ask for details he may say “it’s too upsetting to talk about”. Future faking is another way he will lie to you by making you imagine a future you dreamed of. He has no intentions of fulfilling any of these dreams. You can catch his lies but he will continue until you simply lack the energy to prove him wrong. The psychopath can feel happy being caught because it gives another opportunity to make you feel crazy again. Breaking you down psychologically, mentally, and physically gives him pleasure due to his sadistic nature.

5. Focusing on your mistakes and ignoring his own

Everything will be your fault. A psychopath can call you a bitch, slap you on the face, break your stuff because he hated the dinner, call your children idiots, leave you in the middle of nowhere without money or a phone and fall asleep when you are crying in pain whether emotional or physical. Yes, this is how horrible a psychopath is. But he doesn’t care that his behavior is horrible or sadistic, in fact, he will claim it’s your fault. “If you wouldn’t have acted like such a bitch I would never have slapped you”. “If you weren’t such a bad mother your kids wouldn’t be idiots”. “I don’t know why I did that, but what about what you did?”. “I don’t want to talk about that, you’re making me feel bad and you need to stop your mouthful of lies”.  “I only did that for your own good, now you’ll know better than to serve me a crappy dinner”. You cannot win against a psychopath, he will destroy every argument and opinion by deflecting and hurling insults at you. Psychopaths are manipulative, cruel, callous, and deceitful.

6. You have to explain basic things such as respect, kindness and care

When you have to explain basic things such as kindness and empathy to a grown person, your alarm bells need to ring.
Take the following example; you’re late for work because of him and you ask him to help you find your car keys. He responds with “You are reckless, irresponsible, and scatterbrained!” You end up apologizing to him because part of you believes his logic but that knot in your stomach speaks “he is insane, no normal person would act this way.” Later, as if speaking to a toddler, you explain how a normal person would have behaved this morning. His answer: “You’re the only one to blame for being unable to wake up in time, it’s because you’re a fat lazy cow!” If you’re able to respond after that horrendous abuse, he may only have to give you a terrifying look to gain control over you completely. You end up feeling confused, insulted, scared and drained thinking why is he treating me this way? Why is it so difficult for me to get my point across?  The answer to that is: You can’t get any point across to a psychopath because he just doesn’t care about anything you have to say unless it benefits him. A normal partner would have helped you find your keys, not yelled at you and made you feel terrified and humiliated.

7. The mask of childlike innocence

A psychopath will portray himself with a childlike innocence when it suits him, but don’t be fooled by that part. The childlike innocence is used to gain sympathy and make you feel sorry for him. Behind the mask, there is an insatiable need for power and admiration. He will claim that you are the most special person in his life and that he has never loved anyone as he loves you. Later, you discover that anyone can replace you at any time and that he never saw you as special at all. He will drain your energy, erode your self-confidence and leave once he is done with you. You’ll be left with feelings of abandonment, confusion, heartbreak, longing, rage, despair, grief, love, and hate. A psychopath is capable of things like rape, violating, devaluing, exploiting, lying, killing, or cheating in order to gain power, thrill, and excitement. This is their way of life. They are different than you and me. It is of crucial importance that you don’t try to compare them to yourself because it’s never going to add up.

8. He will accuse you of having feelings he provoked

A psychopath will flirt with an ex or someone else right in front of you to provoke a reaction. Then blame you for being too possessive or jealous. These mind games hurt, confuse and drain your energy but give the psychopath power and some psychopaths derive pleasure from your suffering. He will tell others that you’re suddenly acting ‘hysterical’ and ‘possessive’ to gather sympathy for himself. As horrible as this sounds, this is the actuality of being a psychopath and this is how they are. Remember, if he does this to you, regardless of whether he is a psychopath or not, this is abuse, not love. This behavior isn’t normal. He is someone who is deeply disturbed and is doing things to deliberately hurt you. Leave this person if you can.

9. You have to analyze everything he says and does

You may find yourself scrolling through his Facebook, looking for clues about his previous life, going through texts, wanting to know more about the exes that he spoke of as ‘horror stories’. You don’t trust a word he says so you want to figure out what’s true and what’s not. You may feel like you are going crazy which is a normal thing to feel being involved with a psychopath. You are not crazy, but make no mistake that he is. Thoughts like “Who is this man, really? Is his past really what he claims it to be?” No normal human being will make you feel like you have to analyze every single thing about them. In a normal and genuine relationship, you don’t ever have to ask these questions.

10. You’re the only one who sees his true colors

He always seems to have a Fanclub but he uses them for gains such as money, resources, and attention. How come they never catch him in his lies and deceptions? Well, that’s because he distracts them, with shallow praise and superficial charm. He is way better at maintaining superficial relationships rather than intimate ones. If you’re in an intimate relationship with him you will be a more vulnerable target because he made you fall in love with him. His lies, deceit, and change in behavior will affect you more than anyone in his Fanclub. But you want to know why there is a nagging feeling inside that something isn’t right. Too many things are not adding up, heated fights on the regular ending in passionate sex and many sleepless nights filled with confusion. If this is the case, trust yourself to get out if you can because none of this is normal, this whole cycle is toxic, dangerous, and traumatic. The longer you stay the worse it gets.

11. You fear that the next fight will be your last

Normal couples argue to resolve issues and disagreements but with psychopaths it’s different. When you express opinions, thoughts, and feelings or set boundaries you will get punished. Especially if you’re telling him he did something wrong or hurtful. Punishments such as silent treatment, physical or sexual abuse, name-calling, and making you question your reality is normal for a psychopath. He will manipulate, distract and confuse you until you lose track of the conversation and feel exhausted. He could abandon you (Read: 6 Signs You’re Dealing with a Narcissist). You may end up apologizing to him just out of fear or exhaustion. You may forgive him quickly too even though his apology means nothing. If you can recognize yourself in this, this is not love, this is not normal, this is toxic and dangerous, and staying in it will cause you trauma.

12. Eroding your boundaries slowly but steadily

He criticizes you with a condescending attitude, sometimes claiming it’s a joke and he smirks at you when you try to express yourself or cuts you off by rolling his eyes and saying “Well, here we go again”. Teasing becomes the primary way of communicating, he will belittle your intelligence, ridicule your body, and abilities. If you point it out he may say “you’re too sensitive”, “you’re acting crazy right now” or “I don’t remember saying that so just drop it”. If you naturally begin to feel resentful and upset, you push these feelings aside out of fear of him leaving, hurting you further or withdrawing sex which may be the only sense of connection. Sex with a psychopath will turn ugly and dark for three reasons; number one, because he could derive pleasure from your suffering, number two; he gets bored easily and number three; he wants to gain power over you. He is also an expert at manipulation so if you find yourself engaging in sexual acts in order to please him, this is called sexual coercion and is abusive. You must never do anything sexually that you do not want to do.

13. Withholding attention and undermining your self-esteem

He once showered you with attention, admiration, and manufactured empathy to suddenly act bored with you. He turns aloof, doesn’t have time for you, and feels annoyed when you want to continue the passionate relationship that he created. You feel confused, hurt, and desperate to rekindle the passion that was once there. This is also not normal, for someone to shower you with attention and non-stop communication from the get-go to the sudden death of passion, affection, and connection. He does this because he wants to gain power over you and when you fall for him and feel confused and heartbroken he gains his power from that. To a psychopath’s mind, he won the game and you lost. If you’re with someone who treats you this way, consider leaving this person if you can. Remember, this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

14. He expects you to read his mind

If he stops communicating with you for several days, from messaging you on a minute-to-minute basis, he will blame you for not knowing how stressed he was at work or that he had other plans (which he never told you about). He will always have an excuse that makes him look like the victim and you the nagging or needy partner. This is another one of the psychopath’s mind games. It’s normal to feel confused about his sudden shift from tender and loving to cold, cruel, and distant. He will also make important decisions about your relationship and inform everyone except you.

15. You feel on edge around him but you still want his approval

Making up excuses for a psychopath’s growingly bizarre behaviors is very common for the victim of psychopathic abuse. You may also feel like you are in constant competition with others for his attention and praise. He doesn’t seem to care when you leave his side because you are replaceable to him. Humans to a psychopath is a means to an end. Nothing more, nothing less. The mind games he plays will erode your sense of identity, you don’t recognize yourself any longer. Nevertheless, you will feel addicted to his approval, attention, and any type of manufactured affection he gives. This is because he knows how to pull your strings, this is what he does best, to find people’s vulnerabilities and use them against them. It is an unforgivable act of cruelty.

16. He claims that all his exes were crazy

Any ex-partner or friend who didn’t come crawling back to him will be labeled jealous, bipolar, alcoholic, or some other nasty name. The psychopath will speak of you in the exact same way to his next target.

17. He will provoke jealousy and rivalry

A psychopath loves to create rivalries and provoke suffering in you (and others) while hiding behind the childlike mask. He will focus his attention elsewhere instead of on you because this sudden shift will confuse you and make you question what you mean to him. This is exactly what he wants because he knows what he is doing and derives pleasure from seeing you desperately trying to regain his attention. He could openly flirt with old exes online for everyone to see with old songs, photos and inside jokes. He enjoys creating this unnecessary competition between you and others to feel high on the power it gives him.

18. Idealization, devaluing, and discard

When you first meet, things move extremely fast. He will tell you how much you have in common, and how perfect you are together, he will mirror back to you, your hopes, desires, dreams, and insecurities. This creates a pseudo-intimacy and gets you instantly hooked, attached, and emotionally invested. He seems absolutely fascinated by you on every level and consistently initiates communication on a minute-to-minute basis. Before you know it he confesses his love for you and you follow his lead. He has succeeded because he knows love comes with powerful chemical changes in your body and mind. He will also make sure your body experiences high amounts of sexual pleasure by quickly learning what you desire the most and what turns you on like no one ever will. He does this to strengthen your attachment to him and his power over you. It’s all a game for the psychopath and he wants to win every round. But keep in mind this will quickly turn dark and dangerous because psychopaths get bored and they have no long-term interest in giving you pleasure, some psychopaths even derive pleasure from your pain so before you know it all that pleasure will turn into a nightmare. He will devalue you, criticize your body, withhold sex, and toy with your feelings and your mind. He is only interested in his pleasure and what you can give him. The longer you stay with a psychopath the more clear this will become to you. The only reason he was giving you pleasure was to get you hooked, attached, and addicted to him. Because you will be easier to control and manipulate. The higher the pedestal, the harder you’ll fall and that’s what gives him his power and pleasure. It is truly sickening, the lengths psychopaths (and narcissists) go to hurt and gain power. The end of this cycle of abuse is the discard phase, which means he can leave at any time he feels like, to then come back after years (in some cases) to start the cycle all over again.

19. Compares you to everyone else in his life

He will compare you to ex-lovers, family members, friends, and your eventual replacement. During the idealizing phase, the psychopath will make you feel like the most special person in the world. He will compare how much better you are than all his other relationships, current, and past. Contrary to this, when he begins to devalue you, which is the second phase of the psychopath’s abuse cycle (devaluing phase) he will make the same comparisons to make you feel inferior, jealous and worthless. He may say “you are being extremely needy and acting crazy, just like my ex. You are worse than anyone I’ve ever been with, you’re so worthless”. Being devalued and abused in this way after having been put on a pedestal feels very confusing and heartbreaking because the person you fell in love with has turned into a monster. All you want is for the nightmare to end and for the guy you fell in love with to come back. But he never existed because those traits were manufactured in order to hook you in. He will however treat you nicely every now and then because he wants you to stick around until he is completely done with you. This is how malicious psychopaths are.

20. The qualities he admired about you have now become major faults

At first, he will appeal to your deepest vanities and vulnerabilities observing and mimicking exactly what he thinks you want to hear, but after you’re hooked, he will start to the same information against you. The more you try to prove you are worthy of his love, attention, and approval the more he breaks you down psychologically. You’ll also have a part of yourself that thinks this is all so bizarre and unreal because he was the same person who once told you that you were perfect.

21. Cracks in the mask of the psychopath

There are times when he will show parts of himself that are manipulative, cruel, arrogant, and frightening. I’ve already mentioned several examples above. You’ll start to notice the personality he showed in the idealization phase and the parts that are showing toxic behaviors towards you are polar opposites. If you have questions like “Where did the person I fell in love with go?” or “Did he even exist?” All this is because of the utter heartbreak and confusion the psychopath creates by switching from manufactured loving behavior to cruel, detached, and dangerous. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the psychopath who lacks the basic traits that are required to care about anyone such as empathy, remorse, guilt, and shame. He is aware of what hurts you but just doesn’t care. Your suffering gives him a sense of victory power and entertainment.

22. He gets easily bored

The psychopath is constantly surrounded by other people to be stimulated and praised at all times. He cannot tolerate being alone for an extended period of time. If someone or something doesn’t impact him in a positive or thrilling way, he will quickly lose interest. When you first meet him you may believe him to be charming, exciting, worldly, and intelligent. You may view yourself as inferior for preferring quiet time, simplicity, and consistency in life. You are however not inferior, you are normal and healthy. The reason a psychopath seeks thrill, excitement, and people around him at all times is that he is completely dependent on others to get his needs met like a child is to his/her caregivers. And he derives power and entertainment from breaking other people down financially, mentally, emotionally, and psychologically. That is why you are normal and the psychopath isn’t. If he doesn’t win the games he plays, if he doesn’t get the power and control that he needs, he feels bored and he can’t stand boredom.

23. Triangulation

He will surround himself with former lovers, potential mates, and anyone else that provides him with added attention, admiration, and thrill. This includes the people he has previously denounced and declared you to be superior to. Of course, this will create confusion in you but remember that’s exactly what he wants because he thrives on the drama and confusion that causes you. He wants to create the perception of himself as being in high demand at all times.

24. Covert abuse

You probably know that physical violence is abusive and I’m sure you can also identify blatant verbal insults. With a psychopath, the abuse can be harder to spot. Sometimes you may not know that you were in an abusive relationship until long after the relationship is over. He will use personalized idealization by showering you with attention and admiration in order to find out what makes you tick, and what your weaknesses and vulnerabilities are so that he can use them against you. He will make you feel like the most special person on earth because he wants you to share your deepest desires with him. He wants to control and gain power over you because he loves it. His covert abuse will be eroding your identity a tiny bit at a time. Degrading comments about your body and appearance, lying to you, and confusing you are examples of covert abuse. He will also play mind games by hiding your keys to place them right back where you left them to make you feel like you’ve gone crazy. During an argument he will drain your emotional energy until you feel so exhausted you can barely think. He will be absolutely unbothered by this, and nothing ever gets resolved. He will use sex as a tool to control you and end arguments, toying with your feelings and using pleasure as a tool to get you addicted to him.

25. Playing the victim

He will make up excuses for his abuse by blaming his “abusive” ex or parents. Even if his parents were abusive towards him, it doesn’t give him the right to abuse you or anyone else. As an adult, he is responsible for his actions. You may also have been abused as a child but you didn’t turn into an abuser or a psychopath. The psychopath will make up sob stories of why he behaves in the most bizarre ways and make the story sound as if he is the actual victim, not you or whomever else he has abused badly. You can feel absolutely stunned when you hear yet another lie such as “if you would have listened to me I would never have thrown you out”. He may have thrown you out of the house in the middle of the night by throwing you physically out of the house with your belongings because he did not get his way. No matter how humiliated, shocked and terrified you felt he will make it sound as if you abused him, and he was the actual victim. This is how twisted the psychopath’s mind games are.

26. The cruel and tender cycle of abuse

Sometimes he will shower you with attention, other times he will ignore and criticize you. He will treat you differently in public than he will behind closed doors. He will talk about marriage one day only to want a breakup the next day. You never know where you stand with a psychopath. He will put as much or as little effort as necessary and step it up a notch when he notices you disengaging or wanting to back away from him.

27. He becomes your entire life

You spend time thinking about him or being with him and his friends than spending time on your own or with your loved ones. He has taken over your life, all you ever talk or think about is him. You isolate yourself, cancel plans in order to be available for him, and wait eagerly wait by the phone for his next communication. Somehow, your relationship with him seems to involve a lot of sacrifices on your end but very few on his.

28. He is arrogant

Despite the humble and innocent part he presented in the early stages you will start to notice an unmistakable superiority about him. He will talk down to you as if you are intellectually deficient and emotionally unstable. He will shamelessly flaunt new targets after the breakup in order to make you feel jealous, hurt, and worthless in his eyes.

29. Gossiping

He will whisper lies in other people’s ears, idealizing them to their faces only to taunt and criticize them behind their backs. You find yourself resenting or hating people he talks about, people you have never met. You may even feel special that he chooses to complain to you about others. But once he discards you (leaves), he will run back to the same people he claimed to hate, only to complain to them about you.

30. You feel overwhelming panic and anxiety

You end up apologizing and crying more than you ever have before. Feelings of panic, anxiety, and fear take over your life when you are involved with a psychopath. You feel on edge all the time, barely sleeping, and even when you manage to sleep you wake up anxious and stressed. You wonder what happened to your fun, relaxed and easygoing self. After or during a relationship with a psychopath you feel like you’ve gone insane. You feel exhausted, drained, shocked, and empty. You may tear apart your entire life, spending money, ending friendships, and searching for some sort of reason behind it all.

If you notice that you’re dealing with any of many of these toxic and dangerous behaviors in any of your relationships you must find a way to get out and find safety if this is possible for you. I want you to know that I feel compassion toward you and understand how confused you must feel. It doesn’t matter what diagnosis a person has, if something led you to read this article that is enough for you to know that something is terribly wrong in your relationship. You are being abused even if you can relate to one out of these 30 red flags. Please hear my words, how he/she treats you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with that person. People who have empathy, and compassion, and feel guilt, shame, and remorse, do not raise any of these flags. People who know how to truly love will never hurt you in any of these ways, they will never make you feel drained, and confused and erode your sense of identity.

Trauma therapy can help you to begin healing from psychopathic abuse. IFS (Internal Family Systems Therapy) is an evidence-based treatment for trauma and works with different parts within you. In IFS treatment you are guided to listen to all the parts within you and help them get the resolve they are looking for. These are usually younger parts of you who need to be released of the burdens they carry due to the trauma caused by this type of abuse and early childhood trauma.

IFS therapy can help you whether you’re currently in an abusive relationship or struggling to heal after leaving one. If you would like to work with me you can do so from any corner of the world, since I offer online therapy. Feel free to contact me at www.khanselma.com/contact. I always answer all my emails within 24 hours.

Do you know someone who can benefit from reading this article? Share it with them.

With love,

Selma

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