Do you have trouble asking for help? Do you think it’s a sign of weakness admitting you could use some help? Are you afraid people will say no or see you as a burden if you would ask? Or a voice within simply says something like, “I’ll do it myself. I don’t want to bother my friends or family. They have enough going on themselves and besides my problems are nothing compared to theirs.”

If you can recognize any of these, we need to have this conversation. And I’ll start with a short story from my life.

When I was hurting, depressed and busy licking my wounds, I did feel a lot of self-pity, sadness and wished that someone would care about me. Preferably, call and ask if I could use some help. On the other hand, I also told myself, I’m not supposed to ask for help because my life and problems were so insignificant to me. I felt pathetic as it was and asking for help and being a burden would shower me in feelings of shame, embarrassment and pity (from others). I didn’t want that. So I thought it’s better not to ask.

But the irony was this. If someone asked me for help, I would rush to their aid as soon as I possibly could without giving it a single thought. I didn’t see them asking for help as a burden, cry for help and I definitely didn’t think they were pathetic for asking. In fact I actually thought they were right in asking.

Obviously if they felt, they’d want to talk to someone, they’re right to pick up the phone and vent out (even if it was for hours). Or if they felt too lazy to take the bus, they could ask me to travel by bus to their house, pick up their car and drop them off to where they wished to go.  Then again wait for them and drop them back. In the end, I’d travel back home by bus again. That was totally ok for me. All the while, these people would never care to even ask how I was doing or listen if I needed to talk.

What’s going on here? Why did I let myself be treated in a completely submissive manner? I was clearly being taken for granted, being used and degraded by these people.

Why did I accept being treated that way? Because that’s how I saw myself. I thought I wasn’t important. My problems were definitely not important and neither were my feelings. If I felt degraded it was because I was exaggerating my feelings and not because it was actually right.

You might feel we are getting off topic here. This was supposed to be an article about learning to ask for help. But if you have a very hard time asking people for help when you need it the most or are a person who yourself would always come running when others ask for help, there is a deeper issue.

Maybe your story isn’t the way mine was or maybe it’s even worse. I clearly cannot know. But what I do know is that if you think you’re any less important than ANYONE else, you need to stop for a minute and ask yourself this:

• Why do you think you are less important than anyone else?
• What makes you think that others are more important than you?

And a follow-up to that question would be…

• Who decides who is important and who isn’t? (As much as I want you to think freely I will lead you a little bit here. The point I’m trying to make is that no one can decide who is important and who isn’t except for you. So what you need to decide is that YOU ARE IMPORTANT no matter what has happened, what you have done, gone through or what others think about you.

YOU ARE IMPORTANT.

Do you think it would be selfish to ask for help? You know, the fact that you’re thinking this way means you’re NOT selfish.

Relationships are give and take, are they not? This means, you cannot be the only one that keeps giving without ever asking anything in return, that wouldn’t even be a relationship.

This isn’t about asking for help or not asking for help. This is about your self-worth. How much YOU value yourself, your feelings and your thoughts. And if you think that’s being selfish you need to remember one thing,

It’s not selfish to care about yourself and so isn’t asking for help when you need it.

SO WHAT IS BEING SELFISH?

Being a selfish person is asking everyone for help without offering help back. Like the people mentioned in my story. What’s selfish is not caring or considering others feelings, thoughts and time. Only calling when you need something and just pouring your problems and negativity onto others without even caring about what they might be going through.

Being selfish is assuming and expecting people to help you out whenever you need them to and if they say no start blaming and cursing them.

And that’s not who you are.

By the way I got rid of those relationships mentioned in my story because they were selfish.

You do help and care for others, so why shouldn’t you let someone do the same for you?

Asking for help from friends and family:

1. Try communicating in a clear and easy way with the person/ people you want help from. For example if you need to talk, you can tell your friend, “Hey, I’m feeling quite sad today and it would really mean a lot to me if I can just talk it out with you. It might take some time and I hope that’s ok with you”. If you want to make some changes go ahead and do that, but bottom line is, just to be honest about how your feeling and that you need your friend right now. If they are a real friend to you, they will make the time and listen to what you have to say.
2. Another way you could ask for help from a friend/ family member would be to say, “Hey, I really need your help with (fill in the blank). And I would really appreciate it if you could help me, whenever you have time of course.”

And always remember to say the magic words “Thank You!” to show your gratitude after you get help from someone.

These are just 2 ways that I suggested for you, but obviously you can ask in any way you feel comfortable to ask. But please do ask when you need help. Because you matter and the people who truly care for you (and whom you care for) will never mind, judge or think of you as a burden.

It’s ok to ask for help.

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