This article will help you get clarity if

• You’re being torn apart by feelings of guilt. You know, when you want something but that voice pops up “I shouldn’t” or “I can’t”. I’m referring to the times you don’t do something because it might hurt someone else.

• You’re being pushed around by people who constantly blame you for not being good enough ‘according to them’.

• You feel guilty and confused on a constant basis and don’t really know what to do about it.

Growing up in a multicultural environment has been extremely challenging. On one hand, I needed to respect and honor the Pakistani/Indian culture, religion and rules that were set at home by my parents. On the other, I also needed to respect and adapt into the Swedish culture and society I lived in, which is mostly about ‘Do whatever you want. Be whoever you want to be. And think however you want’. It went against everything I was thought to believe at home. When I was 18, I was once out with my girlfriends, a 10 min trip from my home to a McDonalds’ to grab an ice-cream. I got at least 10 phone calls from home saying, “Where are you? When are you coming home? Why are you taking so long? What are you doing?” I answered in a whisper, hoping my friends wouldn’t overhear, because I felt so embarrassed.

Other times when I asked, why I wasn’t allowed to wear a dress, I was told that it was “inappropriate”. And I remember, ironically one of the conversations occurred while we were walking by a girl wearing a bikini while mowing the lawn next door. I felt so confused, angry and helpless because I saw the freedom other kids had in wearing whatever they wanted while I couldn’t. I frankly had no say in my own life. The few times I actually did wear something I really wanted to, I got the looks that invoked so much guilt in me that I quickly changed into more ‘appropriate’ clothes.

I didn’t understand that I was surrounded by people who just had completely different views on life than I did. And instead of respecting my views, they chose to make me think, be and act like them. They tried to accomplish this by controlling me. The problem started when I believed there was something wrong with me. That somehow (despite doing mostly everything they wanted) I wasn’t making my parents happy; I always seemed to give them a reason to complain and feel disappointed with me. If I told them I felt or thought a certain way they didn’t trust me and instead assumed the worst. And all of this (combined with lot of other things) made me feel guilty. I could feel it in my whole body but most of all was a constant heaviness in my chest and a pain in my stomach. ‘What am I doing wrong?’ I wondered. I need to be a better daughter. I should not disobey them. Maybe I shouldn’t be sitting here with my friends and just go home, so they won’t be upset and I don’t feel this guilt (and scare).

The guilt trap can be set so cleverly by some people that we don’t even notice what’s going on and in some cases it’s too late because it already has its claws wrapped around us. The reason guilt works so well is because we all want to be loved, especially by our parents and family.

Making people feel guilty for things they shouldn’t can literally ruin lives and the stories I’ve personally heard have resulted in so many of these people walking on eggshells every day of their lives, just so they don’t ‘upset’ someone. Maybe you (or someone you know) are also living in fear everyday hoping no one will find out certain aspects of your life and who you really are, because it doesn’t fit with how they want you to live. That is no way to live.

1. People who keep making you feel guilty; don’t understand that this isn’t love. Love is about giving and accepting. Sometimes the people we love most are the ones that can also hurt us the most. They don’t necessarily do this to hurt you but some are just not aware of what they are doing and how to really love someone. But what’s harder to accept is the probability that they might not love you as much as you think they do. I’ve been threatened with the ’guilt-card’ way too many times by family with a follow-up statement that go as “I love you and that’s why I’m telling you to do this. It’s what’s best for you.”But Stop! If someone really loves you they will NATURALLY care about what you want, feel and think about any situation, wouldn’t you agree? How can they claim to love you when they will only give you love once you do as they please? And if you don’t, they’ll either threaten to ban you from their life, not talk to you, make sure others don’t talk to you or just blame and criticize you for as long as it takes, only to finally compel you to do what they want. This out of you being sick of feeling guilty. This is NOT LOVE. This is manipulation, selfishness and toxic behavior and it’s only based on conditions and that’s not what true love is about.
2. You are not responsible for how someone feels acts or behaves. When I heard things like “You have such a bad attitude.You need to change or you will upset everyone and you don’t want to do that, do you?”I used to feel extremely guilty. But now I understand that I was never responsible for anyone’s feelings or how they chose to act and behave. I’m only responsible for myself. Sure, I didn’t want to hurt anyone intentionally and then feel good about it. But I didn’t want to change who I was only to PLEASE them. If someone gets upset over and over again about things you say, do or the way you think, it’s their responsibility, not yours. If you are constantly being manipulated with guilt then it is time to speak up and let them know that the guilt card won’t work with you. You are who you are, either they accept it or if they can’t; tell them to stop trying to make you feel guilty.If there are people who just won’t stop harassing you, it’s high time you ask yourself, why you are even having a relationship with them. If you are feeling hurt, they’re not worth keeping a relationship with no matter who they are. I know it’s quite a statement but if you have tried everything and they still don’t accept you, you’ve done your part. Else think about taking a break and see if they learn to accept you with time.
3. People who manipulate and make others feel guilty aim to control. Usually it’s because they feel so little control over their own lives. Dr. Paul W. Swets in his book, The Art Of Talking So People Will Listen, sums it up pretty nicely saying ‘Manipulation aims at control, not cooperation’. Manipulators and guilt throwers need to take charge and responsibility of their own lives and if you’re a victim of falling for their traps you’re definitely not doing them a favor. “Stop trying to manipulate me” is a strong way of communicating and helping them look at themselves instead of focusing on controlling you.
4. Guilt is about blame. Without blame, how could guilt exist? When you feel guilty you also feel blamed. So if you decide not to take the blame, you won’t feel guilty. Blaming others is a very unhealthy and immature way to act, even though most of us do it every now and then. But guilt throwers tend to do it to such an extent that they are out to ruin your life. Be careful with statements like: “It’s your entire fault. If it wasn’t for you, this wouldn’t have happened. How could you do that to me, you are so selfish!” and so on. So make sure you don’t feel guilty for crimes you didn’t commit. A powerful statement could look like this: “Stop blaming me because I’m not responsible for what you’re feeling.”
5. Be careful. Don’t blame yourself. If you’ve been made to feel guilty for too long, it can become a habit to feel guilty. For example if you wanted to buy a dress you love, you’re suddenly feeling so guilty for wanting it that you start blaming yourself for “wasting money”. This, if you’re used to hearing “You always waste money on things you don’t need.” You now know who the voice belongs to and it’s NOT yours. Don’t blame yourself for ANYTHING. Instead, say “I’m going to buy this dress because I want and deserve to and I can afford it”.
6. Don’t think you’re a bad person. If you’ve been told that you can’t do ANYTHING right for most of your life, chances are you might start believing in that nonsense. Dr. David D. Burns, in his book ‘Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy’ explains that when we feel guilty and bad we start thinking We Are Bad. You might’ve behaved badly according to yourself (or someone else) but that doesn’t mean you are a bad person. If you believe that you have to be good all the time that’s just not possible and not even reasonable. We are all humans and making mistakes is part of being one. In fact that’s how we learn and grow. Now that doesn’t mean you go making mistakes on purpose, of course.

People who manipulate and throw guilt at you because you aren’t living the way they want, are wrong in doing so. And you MUST NOT consider this way of acting as love, even if it’s family. It doesn’t matter who is doing this to you. If they are, they need to change their behavior, NOT you. Remember that family, parents, siblings or cousins are just humans. No one is perfect and everyone has their own struggles and problems and they are just doing the best they can. They may love you and often suggest that all they want is what’s best for you. But the only one who knows what’s best for you is YOU.

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Choose to be happy,

Selma

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