In an enmeshed family, there is too much closeness between family members. The roles are blurred and instead of a daughter you have to be a care-taker, advisor and your mother’s friend. In enmeshed family dynamics, your mother will take on the role of acting like a needy child who cannot survive without you. She’ll impose her worldviews on you by saying things like: “Outsiders are a threat to our family” and “you can only rely on family” or “family secrets should never be shared”. These teachings only benefit her of course and if you go against them, she’ll call you a traitor.

Even if you want to do normal things like moving out, get married or get a job in a different city, she’ll make you feel so guilty that you’ll stay glued to her out of fear. You’ll feel responsible for her happiness and you give up time, money, freedom and yourself to keep her happy.

She may demand to live with you to get her needs met through you and to keep her control. Enmeshment also means that you need to act like her parent throughout your life and she’ll expect you to listen, stay by her side, drop everything you’re doing and run to her aid. You have to marry someone she believes will “fit” into the family dynamic. If she doesn’t like the person you’re dating she’ll reject him and threaten to disown you if you marry without her permission.

Enmeshment is a dynamic that creates a suffocating feeling of being overly close and feeling trapped. Instead of being mothered you’ll be smothered and if you complain, she’ll disengage until you allow her to smother you again. The goal in enmeshment is to mould you into a “puppet” who will do exactly as she says.

To outsiders, enmeshment can look like your mother is a devoted parent which is why it’s difficult to see it for what it is; a toxic connection.

This article will focus on the mother daughter enmeshment dynamic but enmeshment can happen in any relationship.

1. Lack of Boundaries

The first sign of enmeshment in a mother-daughter relationship is the lack of boundaries. Your mother will teach you from an early age that she doesn’t care about your boundaries. When you’re a toddler and express that you feel full, she’ll ignore it and force-feed you. If you say that you’re hungry, she’ll say, “No, you’re not hungry.” The enmeshed mother will demand hugs and kisses from you even when you express discomfort or a desire for personal space.

Children are great at expressing their needs through body language. Think of a toddler who doesn’t want to eat or be kissed; what do they do? They move their body back, make a “mm” sound, or shake their head to say “NO!” But this is ignored by the enmeshed mother. She’ll ask you to mirror her feelings, decide what you need, and tell you when you’re sleepy instead of letting you tell her. Treating you this way teaches you from an early age that you cannot trust your own instincts. When you express sadness or anger, she will dismiss your feelings by saying things like, “You don’t really feel that way” or “You’re just being dramatic.” She can even decide when you should see a doctor or take medication, teaching you to ignore your body’s signals.

This can have a dangerous impact on you as an adult because it can lead to unwanted sex, allowing people to touch you when you don’t want to be touched, and not even knowing that a boundary has been crossed because you’re so used to not having any boundaries. If you don’t know there is a line to begin with, how will you know when it’s been crossed?

As you grow older, she’ll try to dictate your career path and academic choices as if it’s the natural order of things. Since she sees you as an extension of herself, she’ll often use the word “we,” such as “We will be a doctor when we grow older.” She’ll disregard your interests and passions, insisting she knows what’s best for you. Enmeshment also means it’s common for your mother to invade your privacy by going through your personal belongings, such as your diary, letters, or phone, without permission. She’ll impose her religious and political beliefs on you, never allowing you to explore or express your own views. She’ll interfere in your personal relationships to maintain control and a constant fusion. She acts as if she can live her life through you, as if you’re her puppet who will nod, dance, and twirl at her whims and fancies.

As a daughter of an enmeshed mother, these behaviours teach you that your boundaries don’t matter, creating a lifelong pattern of dependence and control.

If you’d like to begin your healing process through trauma therapy, contact me here for a free session online and we can begin. I always answer within 24 hours.

2. No Room for Individuality

In order to know others, you must know yourself. But in enmeshment, there is no room for your sense of self or individuality. You must become “de-selfed” to exist in an enmeshed family. The enmeshed mother does everything to erase your individuality. Your personal feelings, thoughts, wishes, opinions, and tastes will not be recognized or even allowed to exist. She will tell you what to like, what to think, what to believe, what food to enjoy, what humour to appreciate, and what music to listen to.

From an early age, she will work against your natural instinct to separate, making it feel impossible for you to develop a sense of self. As a child, you need connection, and in the enmeshed dynamic, you realize that to connect with your mom, you must be the same as her or meet her expectations. You choose to lose your sense of self to gain her love and avoid differentiating from her.

She wants you to be an extension of herself, to merge with her as one person. For that to happen, she must mould you into the person she wants to be around. When she’s sad, she expects you to feel sad. When she’s happy, you must share her happiness. When she’s excited, you must share her enthusiasm. If you don’t, she will see you as uncaring, selfish, and even cruel.

She might say, “Don’t be upset; that’s not really who you are. You are my good girl, and good girls don’t get upset.” This can be confusing because it sounds kind but is actually manipulative. She may use a kind tone, but she might as well yell, “Don’t you dare be upset with me! I never want to see you upset again!” In her head, she needs you, her daughter, to mirror her every emotional state so she can feel validated and safe. She acts as if she is a toddler and you are her mother.

Many clients have asked me, “Who am I? I don’t know myself other than the versions my mom created. I don’t think I know how to differentiate from her.” This is what enmeshment trauma does: it feels as if you have been erased, leaving behind fragmented pieces of yourself (parts of you) that have played various roles to please your mom, not rock the boat, not be a burden, not disappoint her, and ultimately, not be abandoned by her.

3. The Battle Within: Loyalty vs Independence

“If you marry that man, you are no longer my daughter.” These words represent enmeshed relationships, leaving you feeling torn and trapped in an impossible choice: Should I follow my heart without her approval or abandon my fiancé for good?

This internal conflict, where loyalty to your mother clashes with your need for independence, is a classic sign of enmeshment trauma. It’s that deep, relentless tension between wanting to live your own life and the guilt, obligation, and loyalty that pull you back to her.

One part of you wants to prioritize your mother’s needs and expectations. This part has been trained to seek her approval, avoid her disappointment, and keep the peace at the cost of your own happiness. But there’s another part of you, a part that craves independence, that yearns to make your own choices and live authentically. This part dreams of a life where you can follow your heart without fear.

These parts are at war within you, and it’s exhausting. It feels like being pulled in two directions, never fully able to commit to either. This is the essence of enmeshment: the struggle to break free while feeling stuck by invisible threads of loyalty and fear. It’s not just about the choices you make; it’s about reclaiming your right to make them.

Enmeshment trauma teaches you from an early age that your boundaries are secondary to your mother’s demands. This conditioning leads to a sense of loyalty deeply connected to feelings of guilt and obligation. When you begin to seek independence, whether it’s through pursuing your own interests, making career choices, or forming personal relationships, you face immense emotional turmoil.

The fear of asserting your independence will be seen as a betrayal by your mother, leading to accusations like “You’re so ungrateful” or “How can you believe you know what’s best for you and not your mother? All I have ever done is love you, and now you think you’re better off without me. Is that it?” This can feel like a punch in the gut, and the guilt will eat at you. You can easily find yourself defending your choices, overexplaining to your mother, and apologizing profusely for hurting her feelings.

These feelings and behaviours are part of the enmeshed family dynamic. Your fear and guilt will often be compounded by anxiety about your mom’s emotional punishment, such as manipulation or withdrawal of affection. Consequently, you will second-guess your decisions, constantly wondering: Is this really what I want? Maybe mom is right; I don’t know what’s best for me.

She may know better after all. Maybe I shouldn’t date this man, or maybe it’s no use taking a job so far away from her. Maybe I am being selfish and not caring about her feelings enough. She would feel so lonely without me, and I can’t just leave her; she is my mother after all. But amidst all this doubt, you may also hear a voice that says, “But what about me? I want to live my life. I want to be independent. I want to make my own choices and live my life without her telling me what to do all the damn time!”

This internal struggle can paralyze you, making straightforward decisions feel overwhelmingly complex. The guilt of prioritizing your own needs over your mother’s can be suffocating, often leading to self-sacrifice and a continued cycle of dependence.

4. You will be put on a Pedestal

If you’re enmeshed with your mom, she will put you on a pedestal and shower you with praise. That doesn’t sound so bad, right? The problem is, the so-called praise encourages you not to have your own needs, opinions, and feelings, and essentially prevents you from being your own person. She praises you for all the things that benefit her: you taking care of her needs, agreeing with her opinions, and managing her feelings.

Consider Cindy’s example. Growing up with an enmeshed mother can look like it did for Cindy, a client of mine. A 42-year-old marketing executive, Cindy was successful in her job and marriage but severely enmeshed with her mother. Cindy told me that her mother and she had been really close ever since she could remember. Her mother would praise her for being a responsible young girl who took care of her younger siblings and her mother. They did everything together, from listening to the same music to hanging out with Cindy’s friends. Cindy said, “It’s like we were one and the same person. Something inside me loved being so close with my mom and feeling special to her, but I also had another part of me that felt uncomfortable with all this closeness.” Cindy didn’t know who she was unless her mother told her who she was supposed to be. Without her mother, Cindy felt she could not exist.

Cindy’s mom would dictate what music to like, what foods to eat, how to dress, who to date (though “no one is ever good enough for my daughter”), and what to study. The enmeshed mother shapes you into the person she wants you to be, and putting you on a pedestal is a manipulative method to achieve that. As a child, you love to be praised, so whatever your mother praises you for, you want to do more of.

Cindy’s mom praised her for being responsible, independent, easy-going, and agreeable, saying it was a breeze being her mother. Cindy learned that the more she acted like a responsible, agreeable, easy-going girl, the happier her mother got. In other words, as long as Cindy didn’t have needs that clashed with her mother’s, she would be loved. But if she dared express her needs or opinions that differed from her mother’s, her mother would quickly withhold her love, showing disapproval and disappointment.

Being put on a pedestal is part of what happens in enmeshment. This is done to control and manipulate you into becoming a mini-adult as quickly as possible, so your enmeshed mother can get her needs met through you. The roles are reversed: you act like a mother, and your mother acts like a needy, clingy, and spoiled child. This is not love; it is disrespect, manipulation, and control. Putting you on a pedestal is an act of abuse because you are there to be the person she needs you to be, not who you truly are.

If you’d like to begin your healing process through trauma therapy, click here to contact me for a free session online and we can begin. I always answer within 24 hours.

5. Lack of Empathy

In an enmeshed relationship, you might think all that closeness means love and empathy. But here’s the truth: it’s not the case. Despite being close, real empathy is often missing. The tight bond between you and your mom might seem warm, but underneath, true understanding and compassion are missing. Empathy means having the ability to understand what another person is feeling and to care about their feelings. A parents primary job is to show kindness and compassion toward their child and make the efforts required to make them feel cared for, safe, understood, and validated.

Your mom might seem caring on the surface, but her actions show she doesn’t truly care about your feelings. She’s only interested in using you to fulfil her needs, expecting empathy and understanding from you. Instead of genuinely understanding your emotions and needs, she focuses on her own desires.

6. You’re Best Friends with Your Mom

If you grew up with a mother who called you her best friend, this is also a sign of enmeshment in the relationship. The enmeshed mother will confide in you and share details about every aspect of her life with you as if it’s the most normal thing in the world. Take Crystal, for example; her mother used to tell her things that made Crystal feel uncomfortable yet special at the same time. It was very confusing for her. Crystal’s mom said things like: “You’re so different from your father, you’re fun and smart, if only your dad could be like that.” She could say these things in front of Crystal’s dad; she didn’t care if he heard. She would also tell Crystal about her sexual experiences with her dad and how unhappy she felt in the relationship. This information, in particular, made her feel extremely uncomfortable, but she never could find the courage to ask her mom not to share these things with her.

Crystal was afraid her mother would get angry at her and blame her for not caring. She would also share things with Crystal about her childhood and how difficult things were for her when she grew up. Things such as her being beaten as a child, how her parents never cared for her, and the stress she’s under financially. Everything under the blue moon, she would share with Crystal. When the enmeshed mother isn’t able to get her needs met from your dad or other adult relationships, she will reach out to the next best resource, you. Hoping you will fill the void inside her, the enmeshed mother puts a huge burden on your shoulders, not realizing you’re her child and that she’s supposed to meet your needs, not the other way around.

So Crystal would listen to her mother, attentively so. Even though a part of her felt exhausted having to listen to the same old story over and over again. It was as if her mother was like a broken record. But she didn’t want to disappoint her mom so she kept being there for her, acting like her best friend rather than her daughter. The consequences? Crystal felt like she had to act like a therapist even though she was not equipped to help her mother. She felt trapped and drained after most conversations with her mom. Her mother dominated the emotional space between them. Crystal didn’t feel like she had the right to share what she felt or was going through, and the few times she tried, she was usually met with a dismissive attitude or overshadowed by her mother’s issues. One part of Crystal felt invalidated and unseen, but another part of her thought this is normal for a mother-daughter relationship. It’s heart-breaking for a daughter the moment she realizes this dynamic is unhealthy and toxic and that nothing about this is normal. To read more on enmeshment between mother and daughter read one of my most popular blog posts: 13 signs your relationship with your mom is toxic and enmeshed.

If you’d like to begin your healing process through trauma therapy, click here to contact me for a free session online and we can begin. I always answer within 24 hours.

  7. Natural Separation will Devastate her

Since enmeshment is about closeness, separation or any talk of it will be seen as a threat to the family dynamic. In an enmeshed family, any form of separation must be avoided at all costs because they don’t want to lose their source of meeting their needs — you. The enmeshed mother will become depressed if you express a desire to go to college, get a job in a different city, or move out far away from her.

It’s important to note that separation is the only natural and healthy development in the relationship between a child and their parents. You’re supposed to separate from your mom and dad to go out into the world and live your life. However, the enmeshed mother will respond with statements like “are you really going to leave me?” which will leave you feeling guilty. You may even feel as if you’re betraying her.

Whenever you attempt to lead a normal adult life that doesn’t revolve around her, she will instil so much guilt in you that you’ll seriously reconsider your choices. Adult daughters, some even with kids of their own, have shared with me, that they were hiding the fact that they are dating someone because it would upset their mom. If you ever try to express how you feel about her not wanting you to leave, she’ll tell you that she’s doing nothing wrong and that she’s the best mother on the planet. She may continue by saying that you’re the one being ungrateful, after everything she did for you, and how dare you be mad at her for wanting you close to her? It’s a maddening mind game that she’ll play with you, usually without even realizing that she’s gaslighting you.

8. You Become her Surrogate Husband

Your sense of self is not yet fully developed as a child, and it’s your parents’ job to help you do that. But when you have a mother who is enmeshed with you and relies on you to meet her emotional needs from the start, your sense of self becomes intertwined with hers. As a child, all you want is connection with your parents, and the younger you are, the more you crave that connection with your mom. In enmeshed relationships, you quickly learn what makes your mother show love toward you and what makes her withdraw her affection. A child will do anything for that connection, so you adapt your developing sense of self to one that serves her needs and suppresses your own. In a mother-daughter enmeshed relationship, your mother will treat you more like her surrogate husband than her daughter.

Another sign of enmeshment is when your mother confides all her secrets in you and refers to you as her “special girl.” She will seek intimacy, companionship, romantic stimulation, advice, problem-solving, and emotional release from you instead of from your father or other adults. As a child, you’re not equipped to handle these adult needs, nor should you have to. Because of this, you end up feeling like you have to shoulder the heavy burden and responsibility of playing many different roles, all in the hope of gaining the love and approval of your mother. You’ll feel torn as a daughter because you’re filling a role that isn’t yours to fill, but at the same time, you’ll cherish the feeling of being special to your mom.

9. Gaslighting

In enmeshed relationships, you’ll be actively gaslighted your entire childhood! Because your reality is constantly denied, your sense of self is under attack, your independence and autonomy are taken from you. Let’s consider Sibyl’s story, a 38-year-old lawyer. When she was young, she expressed her desire to join the soccer team at school, but her mother insisted she join the debate club instead. Her mother’s reasoning was, “You’re not athletic enough for soccer, and you’ll only get hurt. Debate will make you smarter and more confident. Trust me, I know what’s best for you.” Despite Sibyl’s passion for soccer, her mother’s pressure and dismissal made her doubt her own desires, eventually leading her to join the debate club. A part of Sibyl felt resentful toward her mother and another part thought “maybe mom does know what’s best for me”.

Another example was when Sibyl wanted to attend a sleepover at her friend’s house. Her mother refused, saying, “You don’t really know those people well enough, and it’s not safe. I’m protecting you from making a mistake you’ll regret.” Sibyl felt isolated and controlled, as her mother’s overprotectiveness was framed as concern. This not only limited Sibyl’s social interactions but also made her feel guilty for wanting to spend time with friends, believing her mother’s narrative that it was all for her own good.

When she tried to express her feelings or assert her independence, her mother would gaslight her emotions, saying, “You’re being too sensitive. I’m only being tough on you because life is tough, and you need to be prepared.” Her mother also repeatedly told her “I know what’s best for you, you’re my daughter and when you keep questioning me you’re being selfish and ungrateful. Don’t you trust me? Don’t you know that I say these things out of love for you?” This left Sibyl not only questioning her own thoughts and feelings and whether or not they were valid but feeling guilt for hurting her mother’s feelings.

So enmeshment trauma is when you’re being controlled, restricted from doing things you like and if you question your mother’s control, she will say “it’s for your own good”. When you’re told your entire childhood that everything your mother is doing is for your own good, many parts of you start believing it. Because of this, Sibyl had turned into an adult who was constantly second-guessing herself despite a successful career, which was eroding her self-confidence and making her overly dependent on her mother’s approval and guidance. The constant message that her mother knew best, and that any attempt at independence was misguided or naive, kept Sibyl trapped in a cycle of doubt and dependency. Enmeshment trauma also creates two very dangerous beliefs which are: “Love means pain” and “To love means to give myself up”.

Together we worked with Internal family systems (IFS) therapy to get back Sibyl’s sense of self, independence, and self-confidence so that she could live her life guilt-free and realize that she wasn’t a fearful child who couldn’t survive without mommy’s approval. She succeeded with that and more!

If you’d like to begin your healing process through trauma therapy, click here to contact me for a free session online and we can begin. I always answer within 24 hours.

10. You’re Needs are Ignored

In enmeshed relationships, it’s common for your needs to go unmet from a young age. Your mother is preoccupied with meeting her own needs and shaping you into a mini-adult capable of fulfilling all her desires. The enmeshed mother fails to provide you with essential needs such as protection, nurturing, guidance, structure, affection, affirmation, or discipline. In enmeshed relationships, your mother will see you as something that belongs to her, like she owns you!

You are the clay, and she believes it’s her right to sculpt you into what she wants you to be. However, her focus is on her own interests; she doesn’t prioritize what’s best for you. Since she’s enmeshed with you, her mindset is, “What’s best for me is what’s best for you.” Yet, her words may convey a different message, assuring you that she always has your best interests at heart because she’s your mom. Exactly like “Mother Gothel” in the classic Disney movie “Rapunzel,” when she signs the song “Mother Knows Best.”

This dysfunctional thinking dominates your entire childhood, leaving deep scars that take a long time to heal. It’s very confusing for you as a child when your mother’s words don’t match her actions. In adulthood, you’ll get into similar relationships where people’s words and actions don’t match. And since you’re used to being responsible for your mother’s feelings, you’ll take responsibility for other people’s feelings too, which results in you blaming yourself for their problems. This is how you play out your childhood dynamics in your intimate relationships, friendships, and even work relationships at times. Your mother made you feel responsible for her dissatisfaction in life, and so you’ll often find people who make you feel the same way.

We all do this in an attempt to heal our childhood wounds in relationships. We were wounded in relationships, and we look to heal in relationships. But the way to heal is not through toxic relationships; it’s through kind, compassionate ones. This is why therapy is so helpful because with the right therapist, you can begin to heal in a relationship. Plus, you’ll get to know all parts of you that have helped you survive and are still working so hard to make you feel loved, find healing, and figure other people out. You can help these parts finally relax, let go of their life-long roles, and heal by meeting your core Self, who is not just a part.

If you’d like to begin your healing process through trauma therapy, click here to contact me for a free session online and we can begin. I always answer within 24 hours.

When you questioned your mother, she likely gaslighted you, dismissing your concerns and making you doubt your own perceptions. You learned that expressing your needs was futile, as they would be ignored or belittled. Consequently, you internalized the belief that it’s best to suppress your needs and conform to others’ expectations, especially your mother’s.

This experience of enmeshment trauma fosters people-pleasing behaviour, low self-esteem, intense feelings of guilt and shame, hypervigilance, identity crisis, and heightened anxiety at the thought of separation from your mother. All of this is often equally true in your intimate relationships, even in friendships.

11. Role-Reversal

Enmeshment also involves a reversal of the typical child-parent dynamic. In other words, you end up taking on the role of the parent, while your mother becomes more like the child. Take Felicia’s situation, for example. She had to step into the parent role from a young age, handling responsibilities like deciding on groceries, doing most of the household chores, and even caring for her younger sibling who bullied her. She found herself being the caregiver not just for her siblings but also for her mother and sometimes even her father, acting as a nurse or mother figure for everyone around her. Despite feeling exhausted, especially as a young child, Felicia was praised for her “responsibility” and for always taking care of everyone. Her mother often made comments like, “You’re so mature for helping out so much; I don’t know what I’d do without you,” or “You’ve always been a responsible girl, and I always knew I could count on you to take care of things.” Felicia believed that relationships were one way street, she gives and gives and never gets anything in return. It wasn’t until Felicia reached the age of 42 that she realized her relationship with her mother was enmeshed. She understood that her struggles with food addiction, alcohol, and constantly being a caregiver stemmed from her enmeshment trauma with her mother and her enabling father. Through IFS therapy, we began her healing process, which allowed her to feel liberated from the constant pressure and sense of responsibility. She felt lighter, both physically and emotionally, and no longer felt the need to turn to food to cope because her core wounds were addressed and healed.

If you’d like to begin your healing process through trauma therapy, click here to contact me for a free session online and we can begin. I always answer within 24 hours.

12. The Consequences of Enmeshment Trauma

As an adult daughter of an enmeshed mother (or father), you’ll tend to lose yourself in relationships. You’ll feel the need to be in a relationship, but once you get close to someone, you’ll want to push them away because it feels like you’ll have to lose yourself again. The fear of disappearing in the relationship or being consumed by the other person, will lead you to end it or disengage until your partner ends it. Whether you end up with a narcissistic individual or someone with a strong sense of self, you’ll act in the same way. To learn more about narcissism read my article “6 signs you’re dealing with a narcissist”.

For example, let’s say you’re with a man who is kind, confident, and loves camping, but you hate camping. You don’t tell him because you’re scared of losing him. You go on every camping trip, pretending to love it until you can’t take it anymore and lash out, saying, “I actually hate camping, but I did this for you out of love. I just can’t take it anymore; I’m giving up too much for you!” He never asked you to give up anything, but you do it anyway because that’s what was required of you in childhood to get connection. You could also end up with a narcissistic man, but the difference is – he will expect you to give up who you are for him.

Because of your enmeshment trauma, you’ll be at war within yourself. One part of you wants closeness and has been taught that you must lose yourself to get it. Another part wants independence because it hates giving up itself to be loved. You’ll find yourself constantly focused on other people’s thoughts and needs instead of your own and feeling trapped because there seems to be no way out – how can I get connection without losing myself? You’ll battle in relationships because you think it’s the only way to not be consumed by the other person, or you’ll isolate completely – both options are no good because they don’t give you genuine connection.

The solution is to find yourself by healing your childhood wounds. Once you do that, you’ll be able to set boundaries in relationships, be your own person, and allow the other person to be who they are too. You won’t fall into toxic relationship dynamics because you will know who you are.

If you’d like to begin your healing process through trauma therapy, click here to contact me for a free session online and we can begin. I always answer within 24 hours.

In case,

• You are in an enmeshed relationship with your mom (or anyone) and are feeling completely drained with guilt, fear and responsibilities too heavy to carry
• You want to understand more about enmeshment trauma
• You feel angry and don’t understand why
• You keep doing more and more to make your mother happy but nothing is ever enough
• You feel like you are drowning and have no energy to keep up with your mother’s demands anymore
• You are tired of being responsible for your mother’s (and everyone else’s) happiness
• You are starting to ask why you never feel happy and peaceful
• You want to heal from your trauma that is causing you to feel completely drained and never enough
• You are fed up with your mother’s abuse but don’t know how to confront her
• You want to heal after leaving an enmeshed relationship and are not sure how to find healthy, loving, and respectful relationships or deal with the overwhelming sense of loss

and relate to any of these, do not hesitate to contact me. This is not something easy to go through but you need to know that there is help to get and you can be free from the intense and overwhelming feelings of guilt, fear and sense of obligation.

I really hope this article was helpful to you in some way. Subscribe to my newsletters to get updates and some other content that I share through my newsletters.

If you would like to read more on enmeshment you will find these articles helpful:

13 Signs your relationship with your mother is enmeshed and toxic.

14 signs your partner is enmeshed with his mom.

Do you know someone who can benefit from reading this article? Share it with them.

Get started with your healing journey today, you can work with me from anywhere in the world since I offer evidence based trauma therapy online. Send me a message at www.khanselma.com/contact.  I always answer all my emails within 24 hours.

Love,

Selma

The post What is enmeshment? 12 signs of enmeshment trauma appeared first on Selma Khan.

If you’ve ever wanted to ask your narcissistic mother: “Why can’t you just love me? Why do you manipulate and control me? Why do you make me feel like I’m never good enough? Why do you turn others against me? Why do you deny things that you did to me? Why can’t you ever admit to what you’ve done?” This article will help you. These questions are only a few that daughters of narcissistic mothers ask me on a day-to-day basis and throughout my years of practice as a therapist. I want to help you determine what’s what; Is it really you that’s the problem, or is it your mother? Let’s find out!

This article is about narcissistic mothers but anyone who behaves this way is also narcissistic so if you recognize these behaviours, it applies to your situation as well. 

1. She has an Insatiable need for Approval and Adoration

The narcissistic mom always craves attention and loves being showered with praise. Adoration is her drug, and without it, she feels completely lost. It doesn’t matter if she’s earned it; she demands it from everyone, all the time. She leaves no space for anyone else’s needs or desires but her own. As a young daughter, you’ve probably felt invisible most of the time because you were never allowed to take up space. Any attention you received got snatched away by her in an instant. You may have felt pushed aside and used, as she always puts herself first. Growing up with a toxic mother, you quickly learned that her needs, comfort, and ego must come first, never yours. If you expressed your needs, she would see that as an attempt to overshadow her!

2. She will criticize you in the aim to destroy your confidence and build up her own

The narcissistic mother will trample all over your growing sense of self, constantly putting you down to chip away at your confidence and self-esteem. She’ll pick on you, be angry for no apparent reason, and brush off your feelings as if they don’t matter. If you dare to stand up for yourself against her criticism, she’ll often hit back with phrases like “You’re so unforgiving” or “You’re too sensitive.” Even though she’s the one causing you pain, you end up feeling guilty and ashamed. This manipulative tactic makes her feel superior and gives her the upper hand, leaving you feeling inferior, small, insecure, and always questioning if you’re good enough.

When she’s feeling insecure, disappointed, or deflated, she’ll take her frustration out on you, and the worse you feel, the better she feels. This abusive treatment seriously damages a daughter’s confidence; it can feel as if it’s non-existent. The narcissistic mother takes credit for your successes and blames you for her own unhappiness in life. Even when you try to enjoy yourself for a moment, she’ll make you feel guilty and stressed, saying things like, “You’re forgetting about the chores and homework you need to do.” This constant pressure trains your young mind to always be hypervigilant, even during enjoyable moments. That’s why many adult daughters struggle to relax, always thinking about the next task on their list, feeling like they haven’t done “enough” to deserve rest.

The constant criticism not only keeps you on edge, it also teaches you to keep your head down and aim low. The thought process goes like this: “What’s the point of even trying when I know I’m never going to be good enough anyway?” Even as an adult, you might feel scared of trying new things because you expect to fail. When you muster the courage to go for it, she’ll be there to criticize you and make you feel small.

Many daughters tell me they still hear their mother’s voice inside their head, saying things like: “Don’t think too much of yourself,” “You’ve always been a slow learner,” or “You’re always going to be difficult to deal with.” Naturally, this makes it really difficult to achieve your goals and dreams because you go out into the world feeling fragile, insecure, and one rejection letter is all it takes for you to think, “Mom was right, I’m no good.” These critical voices that belong to your mother can haunt you even after she’s gone if not dealt with. The seeds of doubt that she planted in you continue to criticize you when she’s unable to do it herself! This is how insidious and damaging narcissistic abuse truly is.

She’s always ready to dish out criticisms as if they’re badges of honour, saying painfully hurtful things like “your eyes are too close together,” “your nose is too big,” “you’re too fat,” “you’re too thin,” “your legs are too heavy,” or “they look like toothpicks.” She’ll remind you of the things she once praised you for, only to later declare, “You’re such a disappointment!” when you fail to live up to the “ideal” daughter. You have fallen short of her expectations! Her impossible expectations.

If you can relate so far, I’m very sorry you’ve had to go through this. It’s not fair, it’s not right; what she’s done to you is unacceptable! But, you can heal from her abuse!

I’m a trauma therapist and if you would like to work with me, I’m offering one free session of trauma therapy ONLINE, simply send me a message at www.khanselma.com/contact to book your first session. I always answer my emails within 24 hours.

3. Grandiosity & Entitlement

The narcissistic mother hasn’t evolved beyond her childhood years and clings to delusional fantasies of being grand, important, and special. She’ll cling to this belief strongly because it covers her deep feelings of inadequacy, and her identity and self-esteem depend on others’ opinions of her. That’s why she gets so pissed when you challenge or question her in any way.

If you don’t agree with her being “perfect,” it hurts her fragile sense of self. She spends her life arguing and trying to prove she’s more beautiful, brilliant, and better than everyone else, sadly including you. In her mind, she’s entitled to special treatment. If you disagree, disobey, or do anything she disapproves of, she’ll hate on you like her worst enemy. Her logic is simple: she deserves everything good because she’s superior to the rest of humanity. She’ll say things like, “I shouldn’t have to stand in line” or “I’m not going to follow the rules like everyone else” to express her entitlement.

4. She will get jealous, envious & defensive when challenged

If you challenge your narcissistic mother, whether it’s disagreeing with her or questioning her advice, it triggers extreme defensiveness. She’s uncomfortable with any perceived criticism or anything that questions her “absolute brilliance.” The same defensiveness will show if you dare to confront her about her behaviour. And if you’ve ever labelled her as a narcissist, she will call you the narcissist and give you a list of reasons why (which will be everything she does to you!). Calling out a narcissist on their behaviour is never a good idea.

Growing up with her, you may have noticed her becoming increasingly jealous and envious of you. This shift occurs because you’re evolving from a “flat-chested little girl,” whom she didn’t see as a threat, into a young woman who is suddenly seen as a rival. Her insecurities increase as you grow older because you’re beginning to change from a little girl who idealized her mother into a teenager who is beginning to challenge her (intentionally or unintentionally).

She loves being in the teacher role, and when that changes, it’s replaced with jealousy and envy. For instance, a client of mine told her mom that she was thinking about starting her own business, hoping for support. Instead, her mom responded with silence, followed by discouraging remarks like “Maybe you should stick to what you’re doing; running a business requires a lot of ambition, and you know that you’re very lazy.” These comments left my client feeling incapable, not good enough, and burdened with the false belief that she is lazy!

When the narcissistic mother sees you pursuing your dreams, she feels challenged and her insecurities are triggered. To make things more confusing, she might even say, “But you know what, maybe I can help you with some brainstorming ideas, let’s do it!” Don’t mistake this as a gesture of love — it is a put-down. She’s only helping you to stay in the teacher role because it meets her needs. A mother who truly loves you would only encourage you to pursue your dreams, discussing possible challenges from a place of compassion and concern, not jealousy or feeling challenged.

It’s like she’s saying, “Go for it, but don’t get your hopes up because you’ll likely fail. Besides, you need to understand that anything you can do, I can do better.” This form of abuse confuses many daughters because of the internal conflict it creates. One part of you believes your mom cares about you, and another part believes “Mom’s probably right, I’m never going to be good enough.”

The focus should be on questioning her behaviour — her bullying, put-downs, and criticism of you. She is the problem, not you or your abilities. If anything, she knows just how capable you are, which is why she feels the need to put you down. She feels threatened by you and your capabilities.

5. She lacks empathy

Perhaps the most toxic and dangerous trait of the narcissistic mother is her lack of empathy. She’s simply not interested in you or how you’re feeling. Her focus is solely on herself. While those of us with empathy can easily understand and feel for others’ suffering, a narcissist cannot. They lack the ability to empathize and don’t care about others, even if they could understand.

However, narcissistic mothers may fake empathy at times to get their needs met (known as “love-bombing”). For instance, she may care for you when you’re sick, take you to an activity you wanted to go to, or give you a desired gift. But make no mistake — it’s all fake. Later, she’ll guilt-trip you if you dare to say no to her, saying things like, “I took care of you when you were sick, and you’re so ungrateful” or “I took you to your favorite place, and all you can think about is yourself. You’re the most selfish daughter in the world!” If you have a mother like this, you know exactly what I mean.

I’m deeply sorry if you can relate to this, as I know first-hand the devastating effects growing up with a narcissistic parent has on your self-esteem, self-confidence, and your self-worth! The hurt and loneliness you feel as a daughter of a narcissistic mother can be overwhelming, especially when you realize her true nature. While this realization can be freeing, it also triggers a tsunami of emotions like grief, anger, confusion, and post traumatic stress. I understand that “lack of empathy” barely scratches the surface of the turmoil and sadness you’ve endured growing up with her.

I’m a trauma therapist and if you would like to work with me, I’m offering one free session of trauma therapy ONLINE, simply send me a message at www.khanselma.com/contact to book your first session. I always answer my emails within 24 hours.

6. Drama, deflection & denial

The narcissistic mother always brings drama into any situation. Her constant mind games, making a mountain out of a molehill, and blatant lies, leave you feeling drained, invalidated, and doubting your own thoughts. Even after the shortest conversations with her, you’re left feeling guilty and confused, as she convinces you that you’re the source of all her pain and difficulties in life.

If you call her out on her bullsh**, she might respond with, “This is so difficult for me. You make it sound like I’m the worst mother in the world. I really can’t deal with your anger right now.” By reacting this way, she’s not only being dramatic but also skilfully shifting the blame onto you. Making it seem as if you are the problem. Whenever she feels uncomfortable or cornered, she will deflect by making you feel what she doesn’t want to feel – guilty, uncomfortable, questioned, invalidated, stressed out, responsible, attacked. This is why you feel so horrible most of the time dealing with her. What’s worse, you can end taking care of her hurt feelings, even when you’re the one who’s been hurt.

The role reversal between a narcissistic mother and daughter is common, often leading to the daughter becoming the mothers emotional caretaker. Many daughters develop people-pleasing behaviours, trying to “fix” others, whether partners, friends, or anyone in need. You may be going out of your way in adulthood to help people who have no interest in being rescued, but are very interested in taking advantage of your empathy, time, and energy. In other words, it’s common for daughters of narcissistic and toxic mothers to also marry or get romantically involved with partners who are narcissistic. They won’t be exact copies of your mother, but essentially, they will make you feel the same way that she made you feel growing up.

Regarding your mother’s deflecting behaviour, when she deflects, she refuses to take responsibility for her actions and shifts the blame onto you (blame-shifting). She won’t even consider the possibility that she could be wrong. She can’t allow you or anyone to tarnish the image of “perfection” that she’s created for herself. This leaves you in a really shitty place because you’ll feel like you can’t have an honest conversation with her. If you still keep trying, she’ll flat-out deny your version of what happened. This whole cycle can make you feel worthless, guilty, and like you’re going crazy all at the same time, which leads us to the next point: gaslighting.

7. Lying & Gaslighting

A part of you may cling to the hope that she’ll change or admit to her wrongdoings if only she could see how much she’s hurting you. But each time, it’s the same old thing: deflection, drama, and denial. But she can go to greater lengths than that, such as lying and gaslighting.

She’ll lie about promises she made, about what she did, even if you were there and saw it happen! She’ll distort what you said or did. If you call her out on her lies, she’ll call you the liar! Gaslighting is another infuriating tool she constantly uses to make you feel disoriented, confused, and doubting your reality. She might say, “I never said that,” “That never happened,” or “Are you sure you didn’t dream this?” She’ll dismiss your concerns with, “I was just joking, don’t you know how to take a joke?” or “You always take me the wrong way, why do you do that?”

This insidious form of abuse can make you feel like you’re going crazy or that something’s seriously wrong with your memory. Gaslighting makes you doubt your thoughts, perception, and creates feelings of guilt. You may think, “Is she right? Did I imagine her telling me she never wished for a girl?” and “Maybe mom’s right, I can’t let things go, and I’m probably the liar, not her.”

Here’s a reminder for you: You did NOT imagine anything! Your memory is correct! The hurtful things she’s done and said to you are real. Your memories are as real as you reading this sentence right now. A loving mother (and person) will NEVER make you doubt your reality and make you feel like you’re going crazy. She would validate your feelings, show curiosity to understand you better, and admit where she’s wrong. A healthy mother would also take responsibility and apologize whenever she is wrong. Stating the obvious, a healthy mother would never need to apologize as much as a toxic mother because a healthy mother’s purpose of raising you is for you to become a secure, compassionate, confident, and strong adult. So despite what your narcissistic mother wants you to believe, trust me, you’re completely sane. She on the other hand, is not.

8. Love-bombing / Pretend-love

When the narcissistic mother feels confident and has gotten exactly what she wanted from you and everyone else, it can feel pleasant to be around her. When she feels like you’re not challenging her and you’re right where she wants you to be, her erratic behaviour stops for a while. She then turns into what seems like “a good mother,” portraying herself as calm, confident, kind, and supportive. You may have never seen this side of her, as not all narcissistic mothers engage in love-bombing behaviours. But if your mother used to love-bomb you from time to time, you’ll relate to this point. You may remember many times when you were young when your mother showed signs of being a “good mother”.

It’s easy for her to be in the role of teacher and idol so you can constantly look up to her for everything and she stays in a position of power most of the time. But as soon as you begin to challenge her in any way, usually as you grow older, she’ll go back to being the critical, cruel, and devaluing mother again. As established in this article, you don’t have to do anything for her to be triggered; the perception of “having enough for the time being” and “never having enough” is all in her head. It has nothing to do with you, but all the same, as a young daughter you have to take the consequences of her fluctuating state of mind.

The constant shift between “good mother” and “bad mother” leaves you feeling deeply confused, always hoping for the “good mother” to stick around. You wish for her to be kind 100% (or even 30%) of the time instead of 5% of the time. But that hope is like wishing for a lion to stay full forever after a meal — the fullness is only temporary satisfaction before hunger returns. Living with a narcissistic mother is a little bit like living with a lion; you have to keep feeding it, never knowing when it will decide to nibble at you or make you the prey for its next meal.

True love requires empathy and self-reflection, qualities lacking in a narcissistic mother. She may shower you with compliments, gifts, and grandiose fantasies, praising what you do for her or things you do that make her look good, rather than who you are as an individual. This just places you on a pedestal and when she pushes you off the pedestal, it will hurt to fall off.

Even when she gives you what you want, it’s always self-serving. She feels good seeing you as a helpless daughter who needs her mom to rescue her and she gets to be in the teacher role again. She may help you so that she can feel special, or to later guilt-trip you with “I helped you out, and this is how you thank me?” And if you succeed in your achievements, she’ll take the credit saying “My daughter succeeded” making herself look good! This is how the narcissistic mother operates. Unfortunately, love isn’t part of the equation when she shows kindness or offers you help.

I’m a trauma therapist and if you would like to work with me, I’m offering one free session of trauma therapy ONLINE, simply send me a message at www.khanselma.com/contact to book your first session. I always answer my emails within 24 hours.

9. Narcissistic Rage – When the lion awakens

When the narcissistic mother feels as if life has disappointed her or she experiences a sense of disloyalty from you, she can get extremely angry. She’ll lash out at you which  can be a terrifying experience for a daughter, young or old. She’ll have zero regard to how her rage will affect you. It can be as simple as you not calling her back at the exact time she needed you, because you were busy at work. Her rage can even be set off when you do something nice for her.

One of my clients, Holly, told me that when she was a kid, she decided to clean the house while her mom was away for the day. She made sure to put in extra effort to make her mother happy. However, when her mother returned, she started yelling and cursing at Holly, who was absolutely terrified, shocked, and confused. She couldn’t understand what she did wrong.

Her mother’s narcissistic ego had been hurt because she believed that by cleaning the house, Holly implied that she was an incapable mother who could not take care of a house! There is no telling when or for what reason the narcissistic mother will rage at you. It can feel like you’re walking on eggshells, no matter what you do or don’t do, you’re living in a danger zone, not knowing what will tick her off next. As if living with a lion, you can’t ever be safe.

10. Competitive

As you grow older, the narcissistic mom becomes more competitive. There’s a sense of rivalry between you and her, one you never wanted to participate in. She sees you as competition because her beauty is fading with age, and seeing your youthfulness triggers her insecurities. If she couldn’t achieve her dreams, your aspirations become a threat to her. One of my clients shared that her mother even went as far as changing her hairstyle because her daughter’s hair was straight and hers was curly. She did this to compete with her daughter’s looks, especially as she became a teenager. If you dream of becoming a doctor, she will say hurtful things like, “You’re not cut out to be a doctor. I could’ve been one if my dad hadn’t held me back. I was top of my class, and I have a very nurturing personality.” It stings when she undermines your confidence and blatantly lies about having a nurturing personality. At the same time, you may also notice that a part of you feels sorry for her. The underlying messages she wants you to believe are “Don’t ever outshine your mother” and “Your job is to validate my feelings and feel sorry for me because I am the victim here. I had a difficult childhood unlike you.”

It’s so confusing for you as a daughter to navigate through these mixed messages that dismiss your feelings and desires to reach your goals. By constantly stopping you from moving ahead in life, she covers up her insecurities and tries to make you fail, just like she did. It’s a twisted tactic of control and power that leaves emotional scars taking years to heal. It’s common for daughters to ask, “What’s wrong with me? Why am I not good enough for her love and support?” or to hear a voice in your head that sounds just like your mother saying, “You’re not capable of making good decisions”.

A healthy mother will never squash your confidence or say you’re incapable of reaching your goals. She’ll encourage and believe in you, supporting you in every way. She’ll remember her own childhood and teenage years and feel compassion for her daughter, understanding that she’s trying to navigate becoming a young woman, figuring out what boys are like, and adjusting to a changing body. But the narcissistic mother can’t show you any compassion because at her core, she feels a terrible sense of deprivation and an insatiable hunger of never having enough. This need for competition comes from her feelings of emptiness. Anyone’s gain, even her own daughter’s, keeps her from filling the hole inside.

11. She will play you & your siblings against each other

She manipulates you and your siblings, stirring up conflict between you. A narcissistic mother doesn’t want you to form connections with anyone in the family other than her. She sees your bond with your siblings and your dad as a threat to her being the centre of attention. She also enjoys it when you come to her complaining about your siblings, because she gets to be the “hero” of the story. She gets to rescue you from your “selfish” siblings, and of course, she’ll call you selfish behind your back and your sibling selfish behind their back. These twisted mind games help her keep the power in the family, leaving you feeling isolated and confused. She also feels extremely jealous of your close ties with your siblings because it taps into her insecurities and feelings of inadequacy. She craves undivided attention from everyone, unwilling to share the spotlight.

12. She needs to appear perfect

She’s obsessed with looking perfect. Narcissistic moms can’t stand being seen as anything less than flawless. She’ll do whatever it takes to make it seem like she’s an amazing parent. She’ll brag about her parenting skills and her kids’ accomplishments, hiding any mistakes or failures. For her, success isn’t about what she actually does, but what she can make others believe she does. She will trick your friends, colleagues, teachers, and an entire community of people into believing the blatant lie, that she’s the best mother on the planet. She’ll showcase your and your siblings’ successes as if they reflect on her “good mothering”. And the scary thing? Most people believe her. If you’ve always asked the question “Why did everyone believe her?” long into your adulthood, I want you to know that you’re not alone. Almost every daughter of a narcissistic mother asks the same thing.

The answer to this question is: They believe her because the narcissistic mother is an expert at getting what she wants from people using charm, manipulation, and fake empathy. She does this because of the insatiable hunger for validation and admiration from others, as previously mentioned. Maintaining the illusion of perfection is crucial for her self-esteem. Deep down, however, she feels insecure and inadequate, and projecting an image of perfection allows her to mask these feelings and maintain a sense of control and superiority.

13. Doesn’t care about your boundaries

Narcissistic mothers crave control and power, completely ignoring your needs and boundaries. In a healthy relationship, parents respect their child’s limits, acknowledging that they can’t control every aspect of their children’s life. However, the narcissistic mother doesn’t follow these rules. She doesn’t care about your boundaries, no matter how many times you tell her. She’ll return to her abusive tools to gain control over you.

She’ll use gaslighting, lies, manipulation techniques, guilt-tripping, pushiness, neediness, and everything else required to get what she wants from you. For example, one of my clients had gone no contact with her mother who had NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder), so she was a narcissist. Going no contact is the ultimate way of setting a boundary. But her mother didn’t give a damn about her daughter’s boundaries, so she kept calling and texting her from different phone numbers when her initial numbers got blocked. She was relentless and tried as hard as she could to regain control, elicit a response from her daughter, and get back her source of narcissistic supply (admiration, approval, and validation). My client stayed strong and was able to not respond to her mother’s attempts to reel her back into the cycle of abuse.

If this is happening to you right now or has happened to you, just know that this is completely unacceptable and intrusive. She has no right to cross your boundaries, no matter what her reasons may be; she’s in the wrong, and this behaviour is toxic. I have a lot of compassion for you; I truly understand the impact that narcissistic abuse has on your mind, body, and soul. I’ve personally experienced this in my  past but I’ve healed from it and now I help my clients to heal from it too. It takes time, of course, but it is 100% possible to heal through trauma therapy.

I’m a trauma therapist and if you would like to work with me, I’m offering one free session of trauma therapy ONLINE, simply send me a message at www.khanselma.com/contact to book your first session. I always answer my emails within 24 hours.

14. She treats you nicely in public

It’s very common for the narcissistic mom to treat you well in public. She doesn’t want to look bad in front of other people, remember? So treating you nicely even if it’s not genuine, is important for her to keep up with appearances. Growing up with her being harsh, distant and critical behind closed doors to later turning into “good mom” in public is very confusing for a daughter. Many daughters describe it as “mom had two sides, one good, one almost evil.”

If this is how she was with you, it’s important to understand that this is all part of her manipulative tactics to make herself look good in other people’s eyes. If she started criticizing you or acting as irrationally as she does at home, people would notice, and some might even confront her about it. She would never tolerate that because of her fragile ego. This behaviour can leave you feeling like you’re just a tool for her to use and showcase at her disposal, making you feel worthless.

On the other hand, one part of you may have felt a sense of validation and pride when your mother showcased your achievements or offered affection toward you in public. When you’re starved of your basic needs, especially as a child, any form of affection can make you feel like your thirst has been quenched after days without water. Remember that everything you felt as a child and what you feel as an adult is completely normal! You are normal; you are the healthy one, but what she did to you is wrong and abusive. The trauma that comes from being a victim of narcissistic abuse is very painful and damaging, but healing is very much possible through trauma therapy.

15. She will punish you with the silent treatment

The narcissistic mother has many ways to hurt you, but the silent treatment might be the cruelest, especially for a child. If you’ve experienced it, you know exactly how it feels. Suddenly, she just stops talking to you. Maybe you know why, maybe you don’t; it doesn’t matter because when she shuts you out, she behaves as if you don’t exist.

This can happen even when others are around, like family. She’ll chat, laugh, and connect with them while completely ignoring you. If she has to communicate with you, she’ll use someone else, like your father, saying something passive-aggressive like, “Can you tell your daughter to wash her own clothes?” This kind of communication, called triangulation, is toxic for obvious reasons.

You’re left feeling frustrated, miserable, and in agony because the lack of connection with her makes you feel abandoned. The anticipation of what’s next drives you crazy, not knowing when she’ll start talking again, and what she’ll say or do. Many daughters say, “I’d rather she just yell at me than stay silent.” Growing up with this treatment, especially from your mother, fills you with deep shame, guilt, and worthlessness.

Questions like: Why isn’t she talking to me? What did I do wrong? What can I do to make her talk to me again? Will she ever talk to me? Why does my mother not love me? The list of questions that can come up for you as a child facing silent treatment is endless. This total neglect of your existence deeply scars a child, and it’s crucial to know that this punishment has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with her. You never did anything wrong; you were never unlovable or worthless. You were just a child! And every child deserves to be loved, seen, supported, protected, and cared for.

The reasons the narcissistic mother uses the silent treatment are many. One reason is to make you feel guilty, to apologize for some perceived injustice, to coerce you into doing something you don’t really want to do, or to gaslight you (make you doubt yourself). She throws a tantrum because she isn’t getting what she wants, displaying her utter lack of emotional maturity. She’s incapable of dealing with her own emotions and expects you, her young daughter, to cope with her mother’s emotions! It’s absurd.

Another reason for the silent treatment is playing the victim, with a narrative of “Poor me, no one understands me, my daughter only thinks of herself, nothing goes my way” on repeat. She may express her countless victim stories to you and the family so often that you feel exhausted. This behaviour is also referred to as trauma dumping (oversharing with zero intention of change).

In case:

• You’re realizing that your mother is narcissistic and feeling overwhelmed, lost, sad, hurt, and confused.
• You want to understand more about narcissistic abuse.
• You feel angry and sad at the same time and don’t know how to deal with your emotions.
• You keep doing more to make your mother happy, but nothing is ever enough.
• You know she’s narcissistic and are ready to go no contact but don’t know how or where to begin.
• One part of you wants to go no contact & another part doesn’t want to out of guilt, loyalty, and obligation.
• You’ve gone no contact but feel overwhelmed dealing with the emotional aftereffects of it.
• You’re exhausted from being responsible for your narcissistic mother’s happiness.
• You want to have answers to your questions.
• You want to heal the trauma of narcissistic abuse.
• You’re fed up with your mother’s abuse.

and relate to any of these, do not hesitate to contact me.

Narcissistic abuse causes trauma to the brain and body, so getting the right help to heal is crucial. You can be free from the intense and overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame, anger, grief, confusion, self-blame, self-doubt, and everything else that comes with being a victim of narcissistic abuse.

You can break free; you can heal and recover. You can regain your sense of self, feel lighter, stronger, and more capable than you’ve ever felt before. There is an innate wisdom and ability within you to heal from whatever you’ve been through. My job as your therapist will be to help you find this wisdom & compassion (called “Self” in Internal Family Systems therapy) so that your brain and body can begin its natural ability to heal and process trauma.

As a trauma therapist, I have extensive experience in helping daughters (and other trauma survivors) heal from narcissistic abuse and other traumas using a combination of Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Sensorimotor psychotherapy. Both are evidence-based trauma treatments. I have seen them recover, build healthy relationships, get out of toxic ones, and establish healthy boundaries. When necessary, I’ve helped them to go no contact as well. I’ve seen clients get out of survival mode and hypervigilance and step into their confidence, calm, and clarity of mind.

I really hope this article was helpful to you in some way. Subscribe to my newsletters to get updates and some other content that I share through my newsletters.

If you would like to read about another toxic dynamic between daughter and mother called enmeshment trauma which has many similarities with narcissism you’ll find this article helpful: 13 signs your relationship with your mom is toxic and enmeshed.

Do you know someone who can benefit from reading this article? Share it with them.

If you would like to work with me, I’m offering one free session of trauma therapy ONLINE, simply send me a message at www.khanselma.com/contact to book your first session.  I always answer my emails within 24 hours. I look forward hearing from you and potentially working together with you to begin your healing process.

With compassion,

Selma

The post 15 signs your mother is narcissistic and how you can heal appeared first on Selma Khan.

Oh, and don’t forget her allowance each week so she can do personal shopping and fulfil all her other needs with your hard-earned money. What’s next? Is she going to kick your hubby out of your bed so that she can sleep next to you? Unfortunately, scenarios like these actually happen when it comes to enmeshment trauma! If you feel like you are going mad and that you can’t win no matter what you do, if you feel confused and overwhelmed with guilt every time you think of saying no to her, do not lose hope—I am here to help! In this article, I will share with you 10 ways that you can protect yourself from your mother’s smothering and unreasonable demands on you. I will share real client examples so that you can learn from their journeys of healing from enmeshment trauma with Mom. So let’s dive in.

1. Awareness and acceptance

If you’ve found yourself reading this article, chances are you’re starting to become aware that something is wrong in your relationship with your mom. You might have realized that she’s too involved in your life to the point where you start to feel suffocated and drained of energy. Maybe she’s living with you or insists that you call her every day so she can tell you the latest drama in the family or in her personal life. She doesn’t respect that you have your own life, family, or other things to do, if you try to set boundaries, she’ll make you feel so guilty that you end up giving her everything she wants, at your own expense. You may notice that she wants to be part of everything, and you’re not sure where you end and she begins. You may also be aware that when she finds a new partner, a new hobby, or anything else that brings her happiness, she may distance herself from you temporarily. But when she breaks up or has a fight with her partner, she may come rushing back to you like a child needing comfort and soothing. Meanwhile, you feel drained, confused, angry, inadequate, stretching yourself too thin, and bending over backwards to meet all her needs, but it’s just not enough.

If you’re starting to see some of these patterns as unhealthy and not right, this is a very important first step. I acknowledge your courage to start looking into these things. Accepting that things aren’t picture-perfect isn’t easy, and I understand why you’re looking for answers. You’re most likely still attached to your mother and love her dearly but your mother is getting more and more demanding as time passes and nothing you do seems good enough for her. You feel as if you must take care of her needs, but as you try to, she only criticizes you for doing it wrong. When you talk to her about any of this, she may deny it completely, claim that you’re exaggerating, blame you for doing things wrongly, stating that this is the reason for her behaviour. She never takes accountability or looks at herself; somehow, every discussion you have with her ends up being about your “inadequacy”.

2. Reflect on your emotional independence and dependence on her

Dependency acts as the soil from which the roots of a mother-daughter enmeshed relationship grow, while confusion and guilt are the weeds that sprout in the garden. The antidote to confusion is clarity, and the antidote to guilt is placing responsibility where it belongs. In other words, you got to rip the weeds from their roots! Let me guide you through an exercise to help you gain clarity on your relationship. Grab a pen and paper (no devices) and create two columns. In one column, write “What my mom does for me with or without conditions,” and in the other, write “What I do for mom with or without conditions.” Be honest as you begin writing. For example, a client of mine listed what her mom does for her: Listens to her at times, helps with the kids occasionally, cooks when she’s around, provides financial support, plans activities, and checks in on her. In the other column, she listed some of the things she does for her mom: Listens to her mother for hours every day, validates her feelings, offers support, spends time together, assists with personal problems and runs her errands, gives advice, accompanies her to appointments, allows visits at all hours of the day without any prior notice, follows her mother’s advice even when she disagrees, and remains silent when criticized.

Now, turn a new page and create two columns again. The first headline should be:

1. What mom does for me with or without conditions.

And the second headline should be:

2. What I do for mom with or without conditions.

My client recognized that everything her mom does for her is conditional, whereas her actions for her mom are unconditional. This exercise is designed to shed light on the enmeshed dynamic in your relationship, highlighting the lack of boundaries, mutuality, and role reversal where you take on the parental role. Be kind to yourself during this exercise; it can bring up painful realizations. Remember, clarity brings truth, and though it may be difficult, you now have the resources to confront and address these issues as an adult, you’re no longer dependent on your mother for survival.

3. Understand your internal conflicts – When you want to say no but you say yes to her

Review your list of things you do for her and recall moments when you reluctantly said yes just to please her. Circle the items on your list where you felt torn about your response. For instance, Lindy, one of my clients, realized she often felt conflicted about going out to dinner with her mom, one part of her wanted to say yes another no. The part that wanted to say yes always seemed to win. When her mom called to gossip or unload her worries, Lindy experienced inner panic, yet felt compelled to answer because she heard a voice inside saying “It’s your mom, you have to pick up.” I told Lindy that this is a conflict between two parts of herself. One parts that panics when mom calls and doesn’t want to pick up, another who feels compelled to answer the phone. I helped her to focus internally on these parts and listen to both of them, but one at a time. In this way, she was able to resolve this inner conflict and by doing so gain the clarity she needed.

If you need help with internal conflicts, remember you can book a free 60-minute session with me to try out IFS therapy and see if we’re a good fit. Book your free session at www.khanselma.com/contact.

To speak to different parts of yourself, try this exercise that’s similar to how we work in IFS therapy (but it’s not a therapy replacement). Close your eyes and imagine a round table, then ask out loud or internally, “The parts of me that are in conflict about mom calling, you’re welcome to take a seat around the table”. If they show up, ask the parts to sit down and focus on the one that’s the loudest, like Lindy’s example. Let’s say there’s a part that always answers the phone when your mom calls. Focus on that part. Be curious and ask it these questions:

1. What do you do for me? How are you trying to help me?
2. How long have you been trying to help me or do what you do for me?
3. Why is it important for you to be in this role? What is your intention for me?
4. What is your understanding of what the other part of me is trying to do and why do you think it does that?
5. What are you afraid will happen if the other part doesn’t pick up the phone?
6. What do you need?

Now, turn towards the part of you that doesn’t feel like answering the phone. Ask this part the same questions. Change question five to: What are you worried might happen if the other part answers the phone? This exercise will help you understand why you are having this internal conflict and the feelings behind it better, and you may notice that you feel a bit calmer inside. This will also help the two parts who are in conflict with each other to understand one another better. If you feel some appreciation towards these parts for working so hard, maybe send them a thank you.

4. How would an ideal relationship with your mom look like, if you had a magic wand?

Take a moment to grab a pen and paper. Write down a title that says, “This is how I would like my perfect mother-daughter relationship to be like.” If you’re feeling stuck or even a bit sad because you’re not sure what to write, that’s totally okay. It’s normal to feel this way, especially if your relationship with your mom hasn’t given you much room to express yourself. But that’s exactly why I want you to think about this question. This is your chance to dream and imagine the kind of relationship you’d love to have with your mom, without her input.

Once done, turn the page and write a new headline: “This is how my relationship with mom REALLY looks like today.” It’s time to write down the truth about your current relationship with your mom. Don’t hold back, even if you hear parts or voices saying, “You’re exaggerating. She’s not that bad. She’s done good things too. She didn’t mean it.” Acknowledge the voices but keep writing anyway. After completing this exercise, take a moment to notice the feelings that surface and the insights you’ve gained. Are you feeling sad, hurt, surprised, shocked? Whatever emotions arise, I want you to write them down on a separate page under the headline: “This is how I feel after doing this exercise and this is what I realized.”

During IFS therapy, I typically don’t assign exercises because they’re not necessary. However, Lindy wanted to give this exercise a try, and here’s how it helped her. She discovered that a part of her yearned for a relationship with her mom that was far removed from their current reality, and this realization brought her to tears. She wasn’t just crying; she was grieving. Grieving the realization that her mother wasn’t and won’t ever be the idealized version of a mom that her younger self (often referred to as exiled parts in IFS) had hoped for was incredibly painful. However, it was also liberating in its own way. It freed her from the burden of living a lie. This process of facing the truth was essential for her healing, enabling her to work through the complex emotions that arises from enmeshment trauma with her mom.

5. Notice how you feel when you’re around her

When you’re enmeshed with your mother, it’s difficult to know what you feel when you’re around her. Even when you’re not around her, it’s hard. Think of the enmeshed relationship as if you and your mom were two pieces of clay but instead of being separate you stick together! Now, it’s hard to know where your feelings end and hers begin. An enmeshed mother wants you to forget about your feelings, thoughts and needs so that you believe her feelings and needs are the same as yours. This is high levels of manipulation, make no mistake of that. When she succeeds with that level of brainwashing, she doesn’t need to tell you what she needs or feels, you’ll simply know it.

Think of a time when you’ve tried to assert yourself, as all children do when they get to an age of individualizing and naturally separating from their parents. In a healthy parent-child relationship, this behaviour is encouraged. But when the mother is enmeshed with you, the same behaviour is met with anger, discouragement, and shame. For example, if you said “No! This is mine!” when you were a child, and your mother answered, “How dare you say no to me? I’m your mother and what’s yours is mine! Don’t you dare show me that kind of attitude ever again, young lady!” Another response that fosters enmeshment can look like “You made mommy sad now, don’t you care about mommy’s feelings? If you say no to mommy, you don’t love mommy.” These responses create shame, guilt, and fear in you all at once. Guilt because you feel as if you hurt your mom’s feelings by asserting yourself. Lesson learnt as a child? Never assert yourself if you want your mom to love you. Boom! Your mom taught you to neglect your own needs and focus on hers.

Shame because you feel like you’re not good enough for your mothers love unless you change and become what she wants you to be. Lesson learnt? Always try harder to please mom, no matter what I feel. And let’s not forget the fear of mom leaving you or withholding her love if you don’t make her happy at all times. The lessons your enmeshed mother is teaching you over time are many; “Don’t have needs, don’t be needy, and never say no to your mom.” In her twisted world view, the enmeshed mother believes that she’s the only one who can have needs, wants, desires, and the right to express herself fully. Whereas you have to ignore your feelings, push them aside, and become laser-focused on how your mom feels, thinks, and behaves. In this way she gets as much control over your life as possible. This is why this exercise is going to be so crucial and helpful to you.

Today, you’re most likely an adult if you’re reading this. You’re not a helpless child anymore. So when you meet your mom or talk to her next, I want you to begin to notice what YOU feel as she behaves the way she always does. When she shuts you down, do you feel neglected? Hurt? Angry? Irritated? Write it down. When she goes on and on about her issues without asking you how you’re doing or perhaps giving you only 5 minutes to talk about yourself whereas she takes 2 hours to talk about herself, how does that make you feel? Upset? Uncomfortable? Overwhelmed? Suffocated? Powerless? Insignificant? Whatever you feel, write it down. When your mother intrudes into your space, telling you what to do, how to think, making inappropriate comments about your life choices, how does that make you feel? Does any part of you want to yell “That’s enough mom!”? Do you feel scared? Do you feel small? Do you feel sad? Do you feel like you’re not good enough? Do you feel anxious? Write it down. Add as many examples as you can think of on this list of how you feel when you interact with your mother. Do this privately, don’t make the mistake of sharing any of this with her in an attempt to make her understand that this is enmeshment trauma.

Once you have a list of your emotions, make sure to spot the lines where you’ve written “I feel like I’m disappointing mom when she says I’m not good enough.” This is the part of you that’s fused with her speaking. The one that feels things based on what she’s feeling. The sentences should be like so “I feel (emotion) when mom does (behaviour)” so, for example, “I feel pissed off when mom tells me that my life is a mess and I should’ve listened to her advice on what career to choose.” Once you have a list of your emotions when you’re around her or interact with her, turn to a new page and write down what you realized from doing this exercise. Was it surprising to see how much she triggers you? Did you feel sad realizing how many emotions you feel around her that you’ve never really allowed to be mentioned before? Whatever comes up for you, write it down too. This is going to give you clarity and foster a separation between you and her. You’re not the same! You’re allowed and supposed to be different, and your feelings, thoughts, and needs matter! If you feel like you’re ready to book a session right now to begin your healing journey from enmeshment trauma you can book your free 60 minute session with me by sending me a message right here www.khanselma.com/contact.

 6. Notice how your body reacts when you’re around your enmeshed mother

A very important factor that can help you understand yourself better is your body. In IFS and Sensorimotor psychotherapy, which are evidence-based treatments for healing trauma, the body is a very important tool for healing and understanding yourself. Your body is wise, remembering everything you’ve been through, and it clearly expresses what feels right and wrong. This includes moments when your body’s boundaries have been crossed or when your body feels safe and relaxed. However, when it comes to enmeshment trauma, your mother has taught you to ignore your bodily reactions. The enmeshed mother wants your focus to be on her feelings, needs and yes her body too. If she is ill, she will expect you to care for her, if she needs a hug, she will ask you to cuddle her and even crawl into your bed, if she has neck pain she may guilt you into giving her a massage to soothe her aching body.

The enmeshed mother can even ask you to not lock the door when you’re in the bathroom. She can even ask you to scrub her back in the shower or tend to wounds that’s appropriate for a nurse or her partner to take care of, not her daughter. When it comes to most of these behaviours, they can be categorized within the area of emotional incest (or covert sexual abuse). Since enmeshment involves blurred boundaries, it can be difficult to know what’s normal and what isn’t. I want you to write down on a new page in your notebook the headline “How my body reacts when I’m around my mom.”

Do your shoulders feel tense when she does or says something in particular? Do you physically back away when she tries to come close, adjusts your hair, or becomes touchy with you? Do you cross your arms a lot when you’re around her? Does your body freeze at times as if you cannot move at all? Do you breathe fast or slow, shallow or deep? Do you get a headache during or after a conversation with her? Do your hands feel cold or does any other part of your body get a certain temperature when you’re around your mom? Do you notice a lump in your throat, as if you’re ready to cry but something stops it from happening? Do you feel a pit in your stomach? Beginning to notice how you feel when you’re around her will give you a lot of insight into what impact she has on your physical body.

Most of the time, thoughts, feelings, and body sensations are connected anyway. In order for you to really understand the point of doing this, also notice how your body feels when you’re with someone whom you trust and feel safe with. Notice the difference in how your body responds. All the uncomfortable sensations in your body that you notice when you’re around her are signs that you do not feel safe with her. They are signs that something isn’t right between you, and listening to these sensations can be a wise thing to do rather than ignoring them, which you may have had to do throughout childhood in order to survive. It may not have been safe to listen to your body when you were a child, but today, you’re an adult and you can and have the right to listen to what your body has to say.

Make a list of your body sensations with the headline “This is how my body reacts when I’m around my mom.” Write in as much detail as you can, for example, “When mom dismisses me, I notice my jaw clenching” or “When mom calls me in the middle of work, I notice my stomach turning and my neck getting tense.” All these list writing exercises are for you to become more aware of how your entire system (thoughts, feelings, and body) feels in relationship with your mother. Sometimes doing this alone can create a breakthrough that can change a lot of your interactions with her or how you feel towards her. But more importantly, it can make you realize that you deserve to be treated with respect, love, and to be validated and seen by your mother. And that you do not deserve or continue to be condemned, dismissed, neglected, or feel as if your body goes into a torture chamber every time you interact with her!

7. What are you afraid of?

Many people write to me needing help to escape their enmeshed relationship with their mother. Someone expressed, “Help me, my mother has taken over my whole life. We are so severely enmeshed that I feel suffocated, and the thought of leaving her makes me feel guilty. I don’t know what to do or how to get out of this mess.” Another message said, “After reading your article, I realize that my mom is toxic and we are enmeshed. I don’t know what to do, but I think I need help to work through some of the things I’m starting to realize about our relationship.”

The need for help, clarity, and a sense of resolve is common. However, there’s a deeper question that people suffering from enmeshment trauma with their mother ask; “Will she change?”, “Will she ever love me the way I want to be loved?”, “Will she ever validate me, see me, and stop making me feel so horrible about myself?”, “Is it my fault? Can I change myself enough to make her understand that I love her?”, “Why do I feel so guilty and confused? No matter how much I do for her, why does she never acknowledge me?”.

These questions touch on wounds you experienced as a child due to enmeshment trauma with your mother. Ask yourself, what are you afraid of? What are you afraid will happen if she can’t change? What will it mean to you if she never validates your feelings, thoughts, and experiences? What are you afraid will happen if she refuses to admit her responsibility and the pain she has caused you by never acknowledging the things you’ve done for her and how she made you feel? These questions can be very difficult to ask, and it’s okay if you don’t want to do that right now. However, if you feel courageous and curious, write down the answers that emerge because they hold the key to the deepest parts within you, carrying the deepest fears and burdens. If you can, show compassion towards these vulnerable parts of yourself. Perhaps it’s grief from a lost childhood or the loss of your mother’s love. Perhaps it’s the pain of abandonment and neglect. Perhaps it’s a sense of “I’ll never be good enough” or “It’s my fault she didn’t love me” – I want you to send compassion towards these parts of yourself. And if it helps you, think of these thoughts in this way – If you had a foster child to take care of, who had been treated in the exact way that you have been treated, how would you feel towards this foster child? If you would feel empathy and compassion towards that child, remember that you were only a child as well, just as tiny, fragile, innocent, small, and helpless as all children are. And all children deserve kindness, compassion, and support. It is NEVER a child’s fault for not being loved, respected and validated as a person.

8. FOG – Fear, Obligation & Guilt

An enmeshed mother keeps you in a fog, so you can stay in her lies and illusions. Staying in the fog keeps you searching for a way out, with her lies blocking your path. Imagine her abusive behaviour as whispers in the fog, convincing you to stay. FOG stands for fear, obligation, and guilt, powerful tools for toxic people to control you. Fear keeps you under her control, obligation forces you to please her, and guilt manipulates you into submission. The enmeshed mother will not hesitate to say things like “I’ve sacrificed everything for you” or “If you really loved me you would do this for me” or “You’re the most selfish person I know, you know how I feel and you can’t help me with this one thing?”. These statements are not true and are used to gaslight you, meaning, for you to doubt your own reality. When you’re enmeshed with your mom, the opposite of these statements is usually true. The fact is you probably go above and beyond, dropping important meetings, family time, sleep and other things in order to make her happy. The other truth is that your mother hasn’t really sacrificed much for you, in fact, the more you sacrifice for her, the more greedy she seems to get. So I urge you to be mindful, don’t believe these manipulative statements. Narcissistic mothers behave the same way using control and manipulation to gain power over you and your life. You can read more on narcissism in this article 6 signs you’re dealing with a narcissist.

Now, go back to point number two and write down the following question on a new page: “How many things I do for mom that’s out of Fear, Obligation and Guilt.” If you notice even one thing you do for her is out of FOG, you’re not in an equal loving relationship, rather, a relationship that’s based on control, power, and manipulation. This is abusive. Now, write down how you feel as you realize how many things you are doing for your enmeshed mother that are out of FOG. Does it make you feel hurt? Sad? Anxious? Angry? Numb? Are you gaslighting yourself? Telling yourself “It’s not that bad” or “My fear is more about me than her”. If you find yourself engaging in these thought patterns, recognize that this is how she has programmed you to think. Look at it as “whispers in the fog” trying to convince you to stay in it and believe your mother’s lies as your truth. But her lies and manipulations are not true, they are lies. When you leave the fog, you will gain clarity, awakening, and self-confidence and regain your sense of self. This exercise is part of the process where you finally step out of the fog into clear skies. Finally, write down what you realized during this exercise. 

9. Compassion, calm, connectedness and curiosity

Compassion, calm, connectedness, and curiosity – these are qualities lacking in an enmeshed mother’s treatment of her daughter. Let’s talk about why these qualities are important for a mother to have. Let’s take an example of a child who’s hurt or had a rough day at school. If her mom responded with, “I hear you, honey. I can see you’re upset, and it makes sense to me. I’m sorry that happened to you; it wasn’t fair. Do you want to tell me more about what happened and how it made you feel?”

This empathetic response is how a healthy parent should respond. Obviously, parents will be stressed out and fail to show empathy at times, but if the overall response a mother has towards a child was empathetic, it means she had the ability to show compassion, stay calm and connected with her child, and curious about her internal world. When a mother embodies these qualities, it creates a healthy relationship with the child and supports the child’s experience of self-love, self-respect, and self-confidence. A child may in turn respond by saying “I need a hug” or “I don’t want to be friends with Nico anymore” or “I’m fine now, can I go play?”. But what’s happening on a much deeper level in a child’s belief system that is being shaped by how the mother treats the child goes something like this: “I’m important, my feelings are important, my needs matter, I matter, mommy loves and cares about me, it’s safe for me to communicate my needs and feelings, I am worthy of love. Mommy loves me.”

Now, reflect on your upbringing and think of times when you were upset, sad, or angry. You know the drill, grab your pen and paper, new page, and begin writing. How did your mother respond? What did she say? How did she behave towards you? How was her body language (soft, open or an angry facial expression or a passive body language)? Did she get angry at you for being angry? Did she feel irritated when you felt sad for “too long” and ask you to get over it by now or to feel grateful instead of complaining? Did she distract you by saying let’s go and get ice cream that will make you feel better? Did she ask you to deal with it yourself and be a big girl? Did she ask you to go to your father and ask him to help you in a dismissive way? Did she tell you that she knows that all you need is a hug and you will feel better? Did she tell you that you’re a selfish child for only thinking of your own feelings and complaining all the time and not thinking about how she feels and how tired she is? Write down all the different reactions, including body language, tone of voice, words used, and how it made you feel. I know this isn’t easy to do, if you feel like you don’t want to do this exercise or any other for that matter you don’t have to. If you need a break, take a break and get back to it later when you feel that you have more space for it. If you do decide to do this exercise though, it’s going to help gain an understanding of yourself and your needs, understand who your mother is, and untie knots she has created in your mind. That way, you will be one step closer to freeing yourself from the enmeshment trauma and regain your sense of self.

10. Remember your rights as the adult you are today

I want to remind you of the basic rights that you have as a human being and as a daughter because so many daughters suffering from enmeshment trauma with their moms don’t know their own rights. Being in an enmeshed relationship, especially with your mother can easily strip you away from your rights and that’s truly heart-breaking. This list can serve as a reminder of what you deserve and what you have the right to demand in any healthy relationship. I’d suggest that you print this out or write it down and put it somewhere you get to see it every day to empower you. You have the right to:

• Protect your own physical and emotional health
• Feel emotionally and physically safe
• Be treated with respect
• Express your own beliefs, feelings, opinions, convictions, values, and traditions
• Get angry
• Be heard without being interrupted, pressured, or guilt-tripped
• Bring up grievances new or old without retaliation from your mother
• Raise your children without your mother’s interference
• Change your mind
• Have time for yourself, your partner, and your children independent of your mother
• Be taken seriously
• Set rules and boundaries regarding your relationship with your mother and have them be honoured
• Ask for help and to say no to your mother
• Protest to your mother when she is causing drama, being critical, controlling, or otherwise difficult
• Put yours, your partner, and your children’s needs above your mother’s
• Say no and disagree with your mom
• Love your mom or not love your mom
• Let your mom know when she has offended or mistreated you
• Ask your mom to stay out of problems between you and your partner
• Ask what you would like from her
• Set limits with how much time you spend with her and how much you’re willing to do for her
• Be an active participant in deciding how holidays and other special occasions are going to be celebrated
• Be treated as an equal in your relationship with your mom
• Privacy and personal space without having to explain yourself to your mother

Remember that you’re not a prisoner in a totalitarian country stripped of all your rights and freedom of choice. You have rights, you have a choice, and you’re free to decide whatever you want. Put a copy of these rights on your bathroom mirror or some other place you will see them regularly, in order to remind you of your rights.

If you relate to many points in this article and wish to finally heal from enmeshment trauma, I’d love to work with you. Together, we can explore the underlying beliefs and emotions that are driving the enmeshment and heal the underlying wounds to free yourself from this type of relationship. I hope this article was helpful to you, and if you know someone who needs to read this, please share it with them. If you want to book a free session with me, you can do so here www.khanselma.com/contact. I always answer my emails within 24 hours.

I have extensive experience in helping clients heal from enmeshment trauma using a combination of Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Sensorimotor psychotherapy. Both are evidence-based trauma treatments. I’ve worked with many clients who have struggled with this type of trauma and have seen them recover, build new healthy dynamics with their parents, and establish healthy boundaries that allow them to thrive.

Using a combination of IFS and Sensorimotor psychotherapy, we can identify and unburden the parts of you that are holding onto the wounds from the past (and present) and help you develop new, healthier coping mechanisms that allow you to establish healthy boundaries and improve your relationships with your parents.

I’m here to support you and guide you through the healing process. With your willingness to put in the work, I’m confident that you can recover from enmeshment trauma and live a more fulfilling life. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you have any questions or would like to schedule a session.

To read more on enmeshment, check out my other article 13 signs your relationship with your mom is enmeshed and toxic.

The post Best friends with your mom? You may be enmeshed, here are 10 things you can do. appeared first on Selma Khan.

1. Always Takes Mom’s Side

Imagine you and your partner find yourselves disagreeing, perhaps over something as simple as where to spend the weekend. Your partner consistently takes his mom’s side, even if it’s not what you prefer or what’s best for both of you. Your thoughts and feelings get brushed aside, and you start feeling like you don’t matter. This is a sign of enmeshment between your partner and his mom, indicating an unhealthy closeness with a lack of clear boundaries. If your partner has a hard time prioritizing you and your relationship over his mother, it makes sense for you to feel hurt, ignored, angry, and like a second-class citizen in your own home and relationship.

2. Mom Knows Everything

When your partner shares every detail of your private life with his mom, from fights to what you had for lunch, it’s a sign of enmeshment. There’s no privacy left, leaving you exposed, angry, and anxious. This constant sharing can feel like you’re being observed, affecting your ability to express yourself freely. Even when she’s not present, it feels like she is, creating a creepy feeling. Your life’s details are out there for her to see without your say-so. Their lack of boundaries drags you into their unhealthy dynamic, making it hard to express yourself. If you get the sense that you ended up marrying his mom along with him, you’re not alone because most women who are with mother-enmeshed men feel the same way.

Their dynamic is very unhealthy and you shouldn’t have to feel this way. If this is what you’re going through currently, I truly feel compassion toward you as I’ve been in a similar situation in my past and know how it feels. Your feelings make sense, and I encourage you to trust them—they’re a sign that something needs to change. If he tries to tell you that your feelings don’t make sense or are exaggerated, it’s usually because he’s in denial and can’t see clearly. Nevertheless, this is a form of gaslighting, which means he is denying your reality. So, I’m here to tell you that your feelings are real.

3. Needs Mom’s Approval

Now, imagine a scenario where you and your partner are making a decision together, maybe something as straightforward as what color to paint the living room. But your partner insists on getting his mom’s approval for every choice, as if her opinion matters more than yours.

You may feel undervalued, frustrated, and disheartened. His desperate need for his mom’s approval resembles that of a child who hasn’t completed the natural separation between mother and son. It’s charming when a 5-year-old seeks mom’s opinion on choices, wants, and needs. However, it’s not cute when a grown man behaves like a 5-year-old. Something is deeply wrong, and this is another sign of an enmeshed relationship between mother and son. If you’re feeling inadequate, confused, angry, and questioning your role in this relationship, rest assured that your emotions are normal.

4. Chooses Mom Over You

If your partner seems to prioritize his mom over you regularly, this is also a sign of enmeshment. He may cancel plans with you to be with her or consistently place her needs above yours. It’s like he’s chosen his mom as the top priority in his life, and this can leave you feeling rejected and unimportant. You deserve to be more than second best in your partner’s life, and if he’s more committed to his mom than to you, his relationship with her is enmeshed. How does this make you feel? Take a moment to notice how your body feels when he chooses his mom over you or does anything else on this list. Does your stomach turn? Do you get a headache? Does it feel hard to breathe? Do you sense a tension in your chest? Do your shoulders get tense? Do you feel smaller? If I were you, I would listen to these body sensations because they are parts of you trying to tell you something. Connecting with your inner world for even a moment and listening to your emotions and body sensations – can give you valuable information about yourself. Trust your instincts and your body.

5. Rushes to Help Mom

Imagine the times when you need your partner’s support, perhaps when you’re facing a challenging situation. However, every time, he drops everything to help his mother, even for minor things like fixing a leaky faucet at her place or assisting with paperwork. In cases like these, the mother can also be highly manipulative and make minor things sound like an emergency. He can then argue with you that it is an emergency and he has to go.

Let’s examine why this dynamic is wrong and unhealthy. Mother and son seem to have an understanding that he should be the first person she calls in case of an emergency. The reality is that she is an adult and can very well call a plumber or 911 if there is an actual emergency. Even if her son were a plumber or a doctor, he has his own life, as any healthy parent-child relationship recognizes. Both of them may bring up technicalities to justify their unreasonable dynamic to make it look reasonable to you. If that doesn’t work, they might make you look like the one being unreasonable (more gaslighting), which is a form of psychological abuse. However, deep down, you know that something is off, and you’re 100% right. This behavior can leave you feeling neglected and unimportant, intensifying your sense of loneliness, and that’s not okay. This behavior is also a sign of an enmeshed man who puts his mother’s needs before yours.

6. He talks More to Mom

Here’s a client example, I’ll call her Zoey. The two of them are having dinner, and his phone keeps buzzing with texts from his mom. He’s more into chatting with her than talking to Zoey. She told me that at times she used to think the strangest things, such as “I can’t decide what would be worse at this point, a text from his mom or a text from a lover.” But another part of her would quickly dismiss that thought. When Zoey tried to connect with him and share about her day, he was still glued to his phone.

She tried to express her feelings, saying, “You know, I’ve noticed lately that when we have dinner, your phone is constantly buzzing with texts, mostly from your mom. I feel disconnected from you. Could you focus on us during dinner?” To which he said, “Oh, it’s just my mom. She likes to check in and chat. What’s the big deal?” dismissing and minimizing what Zoey expressed.

Zoey continued, “I get it, but it feels like you’re more focused on your phone than on us. I’d like to share about my day and hear about yours.” To this, he said, “You’re acting jealous and making it sound like I’m doing something wrong. It’s just my mom. Why are you making a big deal out of nothing?”

Zoey told me that she felt terrible and ashamed, even though she didn’t do anything wrong. If you can relate to Zoey’s situation and feel shame after similar conversations with your partner, the shame you feel isn’t yours. Let me explain; Ignoring your partner for a casual chat with your mom during dinner isn’t the behavior of a responsible and loving partner. If he and his mom were aware of their dysfunctional relationship, they would be the ones feeling ashamed. But since they’re unaware, they project it onto you, making you question your feelings and feel the shame they don’t want to feel.

His words can also sting, and if you feel hurt, angry, and undervalued, your feelings make sense and are righteous, because his behavior is cruel. The doubt that creeps in? It’s a result of him making you doubt your reality (gaslighting). So trust your feelings, and know that prioritizing your needs is healthy and necessary.

7. Buys Gifts for Mom

If he consistently spends a significant amount of money on gifts for his mom, this could also be a sign of enmeshment. His mother receives expensive presents and extravagant gestures from him, while your relationship may lack the same level of affection and investment. If you feel like you’re missing out on the love and attention you deserve, it’s because this kind of behavior from him communicates that he hasn’t set the right priorities in your relationship. You should be his priority, not his mom.

8. Relies on Mom for Emotional Support

Let’s say your partner has a tough day at work. Instead of talking to you about it, he calls his mom right away. He shares all his feelings and problems with her instead of you. If this happens a lot, it’s normal for you to feel left out and unimportant. This behavior is also a sign of enmeshment in the mother-son relationship and reflects an emotional dependence more fitting for a child than a grown man. If you feel like your support and understanding toward him aren’t enough, you’re not alone. It’s normal to feel this way in a relationship with a mother-enmeshed man. It’s important to remember that this isn’t about you not being enough; it’s about the unhealthy dependency and attachment he has with his mother and her encouraging it. This behavior is sure to impact the closeness and intimacy between the two of you.

If you want to read more about enmeshment, I have also written an article on the enmeshment between mothers and daughters. You can read it here: 13 Signs your relationship with your mother is enmeshed.

9. Can’t Set Boundaries

Consider the times when you and your partner face challenges because he can’t say “no” to his mother, even when it negatively affects your relationship. For example, he might agree to help his mom with various tasks or fulfill her demands, often at the expense of your plans together. This inability to set clear boundaries can create tension and frustration in your relationship, as it’s a sign of an enmeshed man who struggles with prioritizing your needs.

10. Overly Attached to His Mother

 If your partner is so attached to his mother that he constantly wants to hang out with her, whether it’s attending family dinners, going out shopping, or helping her out with errands, this is also a sign of enmeshment between them. They text almost the entire day, and she calls him at any hour of the day, even showing up at your place (or worse, living with you) whenever she feels like it. As per usual, she asks about you too, but not out of care; she only wants to communicate to you that she is not going anywhere. In fact, it seems to bring her joy to be a pain in your ass. If you express to your partner how you feel about her behavior, he will most likely dismiss it and say, “She’s only being caring. She even asked about you. What’s your problem?” Their unhealthy connection can make you feel like there’s no room for you and that he’s more a child than an adult in your relationship.

You can also feel trapped in this vicious cycle where you somehow always turn into the ‘bad guy.’ All this drama and pain can lead to him encouraging you to spend time with his mom or pushing you to attend family dinners to please his mom’s desire to spend as much time as possible with her son. You may hear things like “You just need to spend more time with her so you know how much she cares about you.” In reality, though, he can be completely blinded by the fact that whenever you do spend time together, she only focuses on him—making his favorite food, praising his performance at work, or whatever else that makes his childlike part of himself feel like Mom cares. In the meanwhile, you may be sitting there feeling out of place, angry at them both for not seeing what is happening. Mostly, though, you’re angry at him for being (or acting) blind to your pain and for acting like a needy child who cannot let go of mommy. If you feel pressured, frustrated, and even resentful, your feelings are completely normal. This is a very unhealthy dynamic and shows clearly that he needs to start setting boundaries with his mom and take your feelings seriously.

11. Can’t Make Personal Decisions

If your partner consistently relies on his mom’s opinions when making decisions, it could be a sign of enmeshment trauma. For instance, if he looks to her to decide on your child’s name, whether you should get married, or where you both should live, and then follows her advice, it can leave you feeling frustrated, confused, helpless, and shocked all at once. Grace, another client of mine struggled with this dilemma. When they were looking for a place to stay, Dan’s mother influenced his decision encouraging him to pick a place that was near hers, showing no regard to what Grace wanted or if the apartment was the right fit for them as a couple. Dan’s mom had her own agenda and Grace found herself feeling pressured into going along with what her husband (or his mother) wanted. Grace told me how confused she felt because when she and Dan discussed it in private, which his mom made sure there wasn’t much time for, Dan influenced her to say yes. He made it sound like a great idea to live close to Mom, he also praised the apartment even though Grace wasn’t sure and needed more time. Grace soon realized the grave mistake she had made by saying yes, because Dan’s mom was physically close to them, along with the all too close emotional dependency mother and son shared. Grace expressed her anger later on and told him that his mom decided to live here, not her and they should have made this choice as a couple. But Dan said “I feel like I’m letting my mom down if I ignore her opinion. I also feel like I’m disappointing you, I don’t know what to do.”

Grace felt even more confused and told me that another part of her also felt guilty. I told Grace that showing empathy for his inner struggle is okay, but your feelings matter too. The unhealthy dynamic between him and his mom affects you, and he should support you just as much as you support him. We were going to help Grace understand and resolve her inner conflicts, find clarity within herself, and figure out how to handle her relationship with Dan. I would also help her better understand her feelings about the unwanted trio relationship she never signed up for and how to change things for the better.

12. Stuck in a Tug of War Between Pleasing Mom and Seeking Independence

If your partner is caught up in a cycle of complaining about his mom but also goes out of his way to make her happy, it’s a sign of enmeshment. He’s caught in an internal tug of war, one part of him craving her approval and another yearning for independence. This creates confusion in you too, which is completely understandable. You will feel unsure because his actions are all over the place. One day he’s helping his mom instead of going on a date with you, and the next day he’s there for you. It’s like a rollercoaster. You can’t tell if he genuinely wants to be independent of his mom or if he’s just acting like a child throwing a tantrum for a short time and will go back to her. This back-and-forth will strain your relationship. I encourage you to ask yourself the important questions; Who are you outside of this drama? What do you want and need? What are you afraid will happen if things don’t change in your relationship?

If he can’t resolve his inner conflicts or seek help in therapy, you can focus on helping yourself instead. If no one addresses their respective internal pain, your external pain (the relationship) will stay the same. Therapy is important because being with an enmeshed partner may lead you to focus on “fixing” him, playing mind games to get a few of your needs met, and having to neglect other needs. You can feel a sense of competing with his mother, which is unhealthy for everyone involved.

You’re not supposed to prove to him that you love him more than her; you’re supposed to be loved by him, period. If you go down that path or find yourself already on it, it can feel like a never-ending battle, where more often than not, you will lose. The neglect and being a second priority that comes from living with a mother-enmeshed man will trigger your childhood wounds, and these need healing. It’s not your responsibility to fix him or make him seek therapy, but you can care for yourself amidst the challenges you’re facing. If you’re interested, you can book one free session with me to see if we’re the right fit: www.khanselma.com/contact. You can heal your wounds; that’s a guarantee I can give you, and another guarantee is that you cannot heal his.

13. Can’t Handle Conflict with Her

It’s also possible that he does everything to avoid any form of conflict or confrontation with his mother, especially when it’s necessary and it affects you personally. For example, you need him to tell her not to show up uninvited at any hour of the day as if it were her own home. He may get anxious or upset when disagreements arise and your frustration naturally grows. In his mind, he may happily get into an argument with you, experience anxiety, take care of the housework for all eternity, anything but do or say something that could lead to Mommy being upset. This behavior can also be a sign of enmeshment and a sign he needs to be an adult instead of a frightened child. Acing in this way means that he is projecting his childhood attachment wounds onto your relationship. He is responsible for creating the changes necessary to have a healthy relationship with you, this is done in therapy. No matter how clearly you may understand this, it isn’t your job to make him understand it. Many women have a tendency to want to rescue a man from his pain and dysfunction, but you can’t rescue him. You can however seek healing for yourself since this kind of relationship takes a toll on you and you may unconsciously also be playing out your childhood story in this relationship. Someone needs to heal for anything to change, it may as well be you and I encourage you to try out IFS therapy with me and see for yourself how it helps to create changes, faster than talk therapy does. I offer therapy online, which is just as effective as in-person, so you can work with me from anywhere in the world. You can book your first free session with me here www.khanselma.com/contact.

14. Emotional Swings Based on Her Mood

For this point, let’s dive a bit deeper for a minute. Enmeshment trauma usually begins in childhood. If his mom often was upset and took that out on him — he would do anything to get her love and attention. In a mother-son relationship (and any parent-child relationship), a child’s self-image is influenced by her treatment of him. How mom behaves, feels about herself, and feels toward him will shape his identity and sense of self. So if mom is upset, he translates that as something he must have done wrong which can lead him to believe he isn’t good enough. As a child, he develops anxiety, insecurity, fear of abandonment, and all kinds of other symptoms because the connection with his mom is not secure, not safe, or predictable. You may even see these emotions in him be played out in your relationship today.

If his mom looks at him with love, talks to him gently, encourages him to make his own decisions, and respects his personal space this will be the foundation of how he sees himself and the world around him. In a healthy mother-son relationship, a mother acknowledges and celebrates her son’s unique qualities and the differences between them and allows him to express his emotions, offering him understanding, respect, and love. In enmeshed mother-son relationships, however, this is not the case. Instead, the roles are reversed, where he feels the need to take care of his mom with a child’s limited capacity, and he may be rewarded for it. If mom showed intense anger one minute and affection the next minute because he stayed silent, apologized, or simply did what she wanted, he would learn that the only way to get any form of affection from mom is to please her.

In other words, his emotions keep shifting like a rollercoaster because part of him is still stuck in the same desperate attempt to help Mom with her feelings so that she will stay connected to him and calm down. Their emotions have been fused for so long that even as an adult the struggle of understanding how he is supposed to feel is ongoing. Most of the time, he won’t know what he is feeling and will look to his mom for guidance. This is how his childhood attachment trauma with his mom is played out in your relationship today. His inner child, or a child part of him, is still terrified of what will happen if his mom stays upset.

You may feel like you married two people, him and his mom and she pulls the strings on your partner’s emotional states. This can drag you into their dysfunction and you may also wish for his mother to be happy so that you can be happy with him. Or maybe you ask him to set boundaries with her, with no positive results. You’re confused about whether to focus on your relationship with him or his relationship with his mom. Everything seems fused and confused. If you’re feeling this way, it makes sense.

This is an incredibly unhealthy dynamic and can be quite traumatic for any child who grows up in such an environment. Nevertheless, your partner is now an adult, and it falls upon him to recognize this situation, whether or not you help in some way, and then take appropriate action. Seeking trauma therapy is one of the essential steps to take, as enmeshment trauma is a serious issue that can have a profound and lasting impact on a child’s development, which often persists into adulthood. The connection between a parent and child should be nurturing, not constraining. Parents should foster their child’s independence when the time is right, rather than keeping the child overly dependent on them, or vice versa. A healthy parent-child relationship can withstand physical distance, conflicts, and differences in opinion, needs, and desires. The child should have confidence in the idea that their parents will be a steadfast presence, no matter what life choices the adult child makes, be it relocating, getting married, or striving for increased independence and personal space to focus and explore their life.

If you want to read more about enmeshment, I have also written an article on the enmeshment between mothers and daughters. You can read it here: 13 Signs your relationship with your mother is enmeshed.

What happened to Zoey and Grace?

So, let’s get back to Zoey, at point six in the article, and Grace, at point 11. In therapy, I worked with both of them to help them rediscover their confidence, find the courage to stand up for what they needed and make the changes they were after. This included setting some serious boundaries with their partners’ moms. Now, here’s the amazing part – both of these ladies are not taking any nonsense from their partners or their moms anymore. And guess what? Their partners are actually changing how they deal with their moms too, and this leads to changes in the relationship.

Both women had a major shift in therapy. IFS and Sensorimotor psychotherapy did wonders for Zoey and Grace.  As Zoey described it, she started feeling like an adult instead of a scared and helpless little girl. In Internal Family Systems therapy, she got to meet and comfort that young girl within. A sense of calm, hope, and relief washed over her younger self when she found out that Zoey was now an adult who could handle things. So the young girl did not feel so helpless or scared anymore, and her feelings were replaced with confidence, calm, courage, and more clarity.

What can you do and what’s your role?

You can begin therapy just like Grace, Zoey, and many others. If you want things to change, you must understand your role in this relationship and to do that you need guidance to look at the deeper wounds from your past that are causing suffering in the present. By healing your wounds, you’ll gain clarity of the trio relationship dynamic so change will be possible. You will also gain confidence in yourself and find a sense of calm rather than shifting from feelings of anger and helplessness to sadness and shut down or just wanting to run away from it all.

You will learn how to set boundaries without arguments and stand up for yourself. Your individuality will appear again instead of feeling entangled in a complicated mother-son situation.

If you relate to any of the points in this article, click on ‘book a session’ and get one free session with me to determine if we‘re the right fit. If we are, I am more than happy to help you find a way out of this exhausting and confusing dynamic and a way back to yourself.

What about him?

Enmeshment trauma is serious and since it is affecting your relationship it is his responsibility to look at it. This includes looking at his relationship dynamic with his mom, what he is afraid will happen if he sets boundaries with her and the potential fear of abandonment, insecurity, guilt, and questions of loyalty is all his to figure out. As mentioned you can encourage him, but ultimately it is his choice to either stay this way or start healing his wounds in therapy. You can only take responsibility for your healing and by doing so his ways will also have to change because the old ways won’t work any longer.

Take action today

If you can recognize or relate to some or all of these 14 signs and want to get the right help to deal with this, please send me a message here: www.khanselma.com/contact. I would love to work with you and help you with your unique situation. As mentioned, you can get one free session with me to determine if we’re the right fit. I have extensive experience in helping clients heal from being involved with a partner who is enmeshed with a parent, using a combination of Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Sensorimotor psychotherapy. Both are evidence-based trauma treatments and are very effective.

This is not something you should tackle on your own; despite what you may believe, this type of dynamic leaves its scars. Even though he is the one with enmeshment trauma, you still get deeply affected by what he refuses to heal.

The cost for a one-hour session is $105, and I also offer a sliding scale fee.

I look forward to hearing from you – I always answer all my emails within 24 hours.

If you found this article helpful, share it with someone who needs to read it and click on the like button below.

If you want to read more about enmeshment, I have also written an article on the enmeshment between mothers and daughters. You can read it here: 13 Signs your relationship with your mother is enmeshed.

With love,

Selma

The post 14 Signs Your Partner is Enmeshed with his Mom appeared first on Selma Khan.

They believe they are superior to women and treat them in disrespectful or oppressive ways. In relationships, they seek to control and dominate women.

Now, let’s explore the signs, based on Dr. Forward’s book, that indicates you’re dealing with a misogynist.

1. Intense Romance, Intense Danger

A relationship with a misogynist can begin as a passionate romance. You meet a man who appears deeply infatuated with you right from the start. He takes you out, calls you frequently, and seems completely captivated by you. He sees no flaws in you and craves your presence endlessly. His desire is to have you all to himself, and you can’t help but feel the same way. You become entranced by his charm, intensity, and unwavering commitment to be with you and only you. He makes you feel special like no one ever has before.

Everyone loves romance, and the intensity can be overwhelming but thrilling at the same time. The initial stage of a misogynistic relationship can affect you like a euphoric drug, in fact, your body is producing a huge amount of chemicals the feeling of being on top of the world. The illusion is, you will feel like this forever. There is a feeling of danger in an intense romantic courtship, which can add to the excitement. The thrill lies in not knowing what could happen if you continue at the highest speed. Whirlwind romances can be compared to racing, the adrenaline racers experience is high and so is the intensity. But the risk is equally high. Misogynistic relationships usually move quickly and once the sexual element is added, feelings grow stronger. The danger is that you skip the important phase of slowly getting to know another person as an individual. You meet and you instantly become “we” but in order for you to know who you are bonding with, you must know him as an individual. He is hoping you won’t have time to think about who he is as an individual so he bonds with you as quickly as possible and his illusion is that you will be the woman who will fulfil his every need without fail, at all times. These things combined are a recipe for disaster.

2. Bonding too quickly

It takes a long time to really understand yourself, and you’re still in the process of getting to know who you are. Think about a close friendship you have and how much time it took to develop that bond. So, falling in love with a man you’ve only known for a few weeks or months means you’re falling in love with the idea of who you think he is, not who he truly is. You’re only seeing the parts of him that he shows you right now, but it’s not the complete picture. To really know who he is, you need time to see how he consistently treats you over months and years. Building trust, respect, communication, and understanding takes time and effort. You can’t rush into a deep emotional connection, no matter how much you want it. Being physically intimate with someone and having strong feelings for them isn’t the same as having a truly close emotional connection. When you get attached too quickly, you tend to overlook qualities in him that would be deal breakers if you weren’t caught up in your emotions and sexual attraction. Your focus becomes “He makes me feel good, so he must be good and amazing.” The strong chemistry you feel with him might be exciting, but it doesn’t necessarily reflect his true character. If you’re only focused on his looks, the places he takes you, how much money he makes, how he makes you laugh, or how he dresses, those aren’t the qualities that make a healthy, long-lasting relationship.

3. Panic and desperation

Bonding too quickly isn’t just about intense feelings, attraction, and falling in love. There’s a sense of underlying panic and desperation to merge and become one, which means losing your individuality and sense of self. You start feeling each other’s emotions and mood shifts. You tend to neglect your work, friends, and other activities that used to matter to you. Most of your energy goes into the relationship, and even though a part of you may sense that things are moving too fast and tell you to slow down, the desperate part of you that wants to merge with him as quickly as possible takes over your common sense. To build a healthy relationship, you must be present in it. If you lose your sense of self, you’re losing who you are. So, ask yourself, what part of you is entering the relationship? In relationships where things move too fast and you feel like you’re losing yourself, it’s often younger parts of yourself that tend to take over your rational thinking. These younger parts of you might feel attached to parts of him, while your mature adult self takes a backseat. If your adult self isn’t in control when entering a relationship, there will be disaster ahead. Why? Because you won’t have the clarity needed to see who he really is.

If you would like to try one free session of online trauma therapy with me to see if we are the right fit, send me a message at www.khanselma.com/contact.  I personally answer all my emails within 24 hours.

4. Rescuing

Many misogynists reveal their dark sides after the honeymoon stage. He may display frequent anger outbursts, abusive behaviour, difficulty maintaining a job, and a pattern of personal and professional instability. He might also struggle with alcohol or drug abuse. You try talking to him about your valid concerns and he convinces you that these problems aren’t significant and that he can fix everything in due time. He tells you that you are the reason he feels positive about his future because you will help him get there. He can be very charming and persuasive, making future promises of how things will change soon. Part of you is still not convinced but the intense feelings of sexual chemistry, infatuation, and instant emotional connection cloud your judgment.

Then there is a part of you that wants to rescue him, to transform him into the man you believe he is underneath. You might try to rescue him by lending him large sums of money or letting him move in with you because he needs a place to stay. You may offer to support him financially until he finds a job or pays for his therapy, hoping it will bring about change. You might even agree to engage in sexual acts that make you uncomfortable, hoping he will appreciate your compliance and meet all his needs.

If you recognize yourself, it is crucial to seek help. Continuing down this path puts you at a high risk of falling into depression and experiencing other mental health issues. It also jeopardizes your financial stability. While he may appreciate you in the beginning, it doesn’t last in a misogynistic relationship. Rescuing another adult is not healthy, nor is it your responsibility. The only person who can change himself is him. It’s important to understand the distinction between helping and rescuing. Helping means temporarily assisting someone during a challenging period when they have a track record of stability in both their personal and professional lives. Rescuing, on the other hand, arises from a belief that he cannot make it without your help and a desperate need to offer him everything you have to make him feel better. Rescuing creates dependency, while helping promotes autonomy. If he expects you to rescue him, he is not ready for a relationship. Relationships require two independent adults who can stand on their own feet. A man who claims he needs you to rescue him is seeking a parental figure, not an equal partner.

5. He Becomes Obsessive, Controlling, and Demeaning

After the initial phase of the relationship, you’ll start noticing some of the toxic behaviours from the misogynist. He may tell you something as shocking as, “I’m still married but am in the process of getting a divorce.” He may suddenly become disrespectful, yelling at you or giving you silent treatment for no reason. I know this is highly confusing, and of course, you’ll wonder why he’s acting in this odd way. Let me share Cindy’s story because it will help you see how toxic behaviour starts creeping up in a misogynistic relationship.

Cindy fell deeply in love with Rick, and they were engaged within months of dating. Rick acted like a gentleman from the start, calling Cindy often, taking her out on dates, opening doors, meeting her parents, and charming all of her friends. He promised to take care of her forever and told her she was the woman of his dreams. All he wanted, he said, was to be with her, support her dreams and aspirations, provide for her, and show her the consistency of love and loyalty other men had failed to show her. Cindy was sold and thought she had finally met her prince charming.

However, when Rick started showing his dark sides, Cindy was shocked, confused, and terrified. One day, during a date at a restaurant, everything felt wonderful as usual when suddenly, in the middle of a conversation, Rick told her to shut up. At first, Cindy felt a pit in her stomach, and she almost stopped breathing for a while. Then she asked him why he spoke to her like that, and to her further surprise, he blamed her for not listening to him. Cindy tried thinking back to the conversation and wondered if she had, in fact, not listened to him, but she just couldn’t see it. She thought, even if she didn’t listen to him, his reaction is unacceptable and made her feel scared.

Cindy expressed her fear to Rick and told him that she doesn’t want him to speak to her like this again. He quickly apologized, blaming it on stress, and promised it wouldn’t happen again. However, Rick did repeat his hurtful behaviour. He began to criticize and belittle Cindy’s friends and family, discouraging her from spending time with them. Over time, he also started checking Cindy’s phone and showing up unannounced at her workplace. Rick frequently called Cindy “a lazy bitch” when he was upset, or he mocked her by telling her she looked ridiculous and had no sense of style. He attacked her intelligence and abilities, constantly reminding her that she was not who he thought she was whenever she failed to fulfil his every need.

As a result, Cindy started giving up various aspects of her life because this happened slowly over a long period of time. Every time her logic urged her to leave him, Rick would apologize profusely for his hurtful behaviour, expressing remorse, and promising to change. He made grand promises of a better future together, claiming he would seek therapy and make efforts to improve. However, he never followed through on any of his promises. His apologies were followed by passionate lovemaking, creating confusion for Cindy about who he really is and what she should focus on. This twisted gameplay is commonplace for a misogynistic man, and it kept Cindy trapped in a cycle of never-ending abuse.

6. You rationalize his toxic behaviours

The image he presented of himself and this newfound side of him simply doesn’t add up, no matter how you try to piece it all together. It leads you to question yourself: Is it me? Did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong? No one would act this bizarre unless there was a clear reason for it, I mean after all, he has been so incredibly sweet, kind, and loving up until now so it must be me. If you discover he is married, you might even blame yourself for not creating an environment where he felt safe enough to share the truth.

As his toxic behaviours become more frequent, the risk of continuously justifying his actions to maintain the relationship becomes even higher. Seeing him for who he truly is can be incredibly painful and overwhelming to confront, not to mention the fear many women have of being alone. It can almost feel easier to stay in the relationship and continue rationalizing all the toxic behaviour than to leave.

If you frequently find yourself making excuses by thinking “he only did it because (fill in the blank)” for instances like violent outbursts, physical violence, devaluing comments, or anything else that makes you feel unsafe and scared, you’re attempting to make sense of the misogynist’s abusive behaviour. There’s only one explanation for why he behaves the way he does: It’s because he is abusive!

If you would like to try one free session of online trauma therapy with me to see if we are the right fit, send me a message at www.khanselma.com/contact.  I personally answer all my emails within 24 hours.

7. He lacks remorse for his behaviour and does not make any genuine effort to change; instead, he offers empty promises.

In the world of the misogynistic man, he doesn’t feel sorry for his bad actions. He believes he has the right to control and mistreat you, no matter how mean or hurtful it may be. It’s like he thinks you deserve to be punished for not meeting his every demand. Even if he notices that you’re scared or upset, and you threaten to leave, he’ll say whatever he thinks will make you stay. He might say things like, “I’m sorry, I promise I won’t yell again. I’ll go to therapy, do whatever you want, just please don’t go. I love you.” But don’t be fooled, these are just empty words. He doesn’t really plan on changing because he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. He still believes it’s your fault he treats you badly.

And here’s the truth: without feeling sorry, the misogynistic man won’t change. Even if he does feel sorry at the moment, his bad behaviours are deeply rooted in who he is. He’ll quickly return to his entitled, arrogant, and uncaring ways if you don’t constantly please him. Remember, he won’t act like a responsible adult but more like a spoiled child. But he’s not a child—he’s a grown man, and it’s his responsibility to learn how to be an adult. You aren’t here to help him grow up, fix his problems, rescue him from his darkness, or mother him into being a decent person. His promises to change are shallow and won’t last.

8. The Rollercoaster of Confusion: Shifting from Cruel to Tender

One moment he’s charming, and the next he turns into a complete monster. It’s like a rollercoaster ride, not knowing what to expect each day. Sometimes he infuriates you so much that you’re ready to leave, but then he switches back to being the most loving and charming man you’ve ever known. It’s confusing. You start thinking, maybe the man I fell for is still there, he just has these moments of losing control. You try to find ways to avoid triggering his anger, hoping to prolong the “sweet man state.” This becomes your life now. When he’s sweet and loving, you feel happy and safe, but deep down, there’s always that underlying fear. You know it won’t last, so you live with a constant mix of anxiety, fear, and fleeting happiness. It’s a whirlwind of emotions. Can you ever truly relax when he’s being sweet? Is it even genuine? Why does he keep shifting? How can you fix it? This constant state of confusion, fear, and intermittent happiness keep you trapped in an endless cycle of abuse. He uses tenderness as a way to create a strong emotional bond with you, making it harder for you to leave. By alternating between kindness and cruelty, misogynists create a sense of dependence, making it difficult for you to imagine a life without him.

9. Expecting You to Read His Mind

One tell tale sign of being involved with a misogynistic man is his belief that you should be able to read his mind, without him openly expressing his thoughts and feelings. Instead of clear communication, he expects you to anticipate his every need and desire. In his immature and misguided mindset, he equates your ability to fulfil his unspoken expectations with “true love”. He will frequently use the phrase “you should have known” followed by his internal thoughts, emotions, and needs. When you can’t meet these hidden expectations, he becomes disappointed and starts acting cruel and abusive towards you. He uses your inability to read his mind as an excuse for his hurtful behaviour.

10. Disappointment Strikes the Misogynist: When Your Needs Clash with His Ego

The misogynistic man is convinced he’s the center of the universe. He believes his needs are the most important thing in any relationship, and he expects you to cater to him 24/7 without even considering your own needs. This is extremely toxic.

But here’s where things get really interesting: when you express your needs, desires, and goals, it’s like a bomb goes off in him. Suddenly, he’s faced with the shocking reality that you’re a human being with feelings, aspirations, and wants of your own. And guess what? That disappointment meter shoots up faster than a rollercoaster ride!

Instead of appreciating your uniqueness and celebrating your individuality, the misogynist feels disappointed, cruel, and critical. He simply can’t handle the fact that you’re a complex person with your own needs and desires. His expectations? Way out of this world! And when you don’t meet these impossible demands, he uses it as an excuse to unleash his nasty and hurtful behaviour towards you.

Listen up, it’s crucial to understand that his disappointment stems from his own deep-rooted insecurities and twisted beliefs. He can’t and doesn’t want to recognize your independence and therefore he won’t ever treat you as an equal. His obsession with control and power blinds him to what truly matters in a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

What is the Difference Between a Narcissist and a Misogynist?

Dr. Ramani, a licensed clinical psychologist, and expert on narcissism, emphasizes that misogyny refers specifically to a deep-seated prejudice and hostility towards women, while narcissism is a personality trait characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance and a lack of empathy for others. While there can be overlap between the two, not all misogynists are narcissists, and not all narcissists are misogynists.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

If you recognize any of the 10 signs that you may be dealing with a misogynist and want support in navigating this situation, please reach out to me here www.khanselma.com/contact. It’s important to remember that you don’t have to face this alone. Dealing with a misogynist is traumatizing and emotionally draining.
I have extensive experience in helping women who have faced misogyny and heal from the trauma this causes using a combination of Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Sensorimotor psychotherapy. I’ve seen women recover, build new healthy relationships, and establish healthy boundaries that allow them to thrive.

If you’re struggling with the effects of misogyny, I am here to support you in your journey toward healing. I will help you identify and address the core issues, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and empower you to establish boundaries that promote your self-worth and improve your relationships.

I really hope this article was helpful to you in some way. I offer one free session of trauma therapy

Do you know someone who can benefit from reading this article? Share it with them.

This article is inspired by Dr. Susan Forwards’ book “Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them: When Loving Hurts and You Don’t Know Why” – I highly recommend you read this book if you suspect you’re with a misogynist.

If you would like to try one free session of online trauma therapy with me to see if we are the right fit, send me a message at www.khanselma.com/contact.  I always answer all my emails within 24 hours.

Love,
Selma

The post 10 Warning Signs Your Partner May Be a Misogynist: Is He a Man Who Hates Women? appeared first on Selma Khan.

“My parents had a tough upbringing themselves, so I can’t blame them for how they treated me.”

“I must have done something to deserve the way my parents treated me.”

“Maybe if I had been a better child, things would have been different.”

“I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells around my parents.”

“No matter what I do, I can never please them.”

“I feel like I’m trapped in this toxic cycle and I don’t know how to escape.”

“I feel like I have to hide my true self from my family to avoid their judgment and criticism.”

“I don’t know who I am without my parents’ influence and control.”

If so, this article is for you. As a trauma therapist working with clients worldwide, I have observed a common thread: many people do not understand what toxic parents are and how their behavior can have devastating effects. I have also noticed that many adult children of toxic parents blame themselves for the abuse they suffered, I used to do the same before I began therapy.

This article aims to help you identify if you have toxic parents and provide clarity on how to heal from their toxic behavior. Through the stories of my clients, you will gain a deeper understanding of how toxic parenting can manifest in childhood. Some of the examples are based on real client experiences, others are purely for illustrative purposes, and the term “father” can easily be replaced by “mother” in all scenarios. 

What is Toxic Parenting and How do Toxic Parents Behave? 

Below are four common types of toxic parenting examples that accurately depict situations experienced by my clients. Names of clients and certain identifying details have been changed to protect their privacy.

Note: Toxic parenting can take many different forms beyond these examples.

1. Toxic parent: The jealous & narcissistic mother 

Emily, came to see me some years ago because (as Emily expressed it) she was struggling with her self-esteem. Emily was attractive, very creative, had straight A:s during all of her schooling, and was a very intelligent young woman. Yet her body language told a different story. It was as if the facts of her life told one story, and her body told a different one. I was surprised when I listened carefully to Emily’s words about how little she thought of herself. She consistently belittled her achievements and her looks, and believed that she was strange and not good enough. Emily said to me “I know I’m a failure and there’s clearly something fundamentally wrong with me as a person and as a woman. It’s only a matter of time until I’ll fail university.” I felt immense compassion toward Emily and when I asked her to tell me about her relationship with her parents, the picture Emily had painted of her life started to make sense.

Emily’s childhood was marked by an abusive and narcissistic mother. Her mother seemed to revel in Emily’s struggles and went out of her way to make her feel inadequate. This behavior is unfortunately normal for a narcissistic parent. Emily loved drawing from a young age and had a natural talent for it, but every time she showed her work to her mother, she received nothing but criticism and shaming. “You need to improve your coloring,” her mother would say, “Let me show you how it’s done because I’m much better than you.” Whenever Emily showed her mother her drawings, her mother would take over and draw on top of them to make them look better, diminishing Emily’s talent and hard work. Her mother’s constant criticism and belittling made Emily feel like she couldn’t measure up, and her confidence in her abilities was crushed. Emily’s mother, took pleasure in her daughter’s pain, and she felt jealous of Emily’s evident talent. In the narcissistic parent’s world, there is only room for one person and that is the parent. 

One day, Emily’s grandmother put one of her paintings up on the wall, and Emily’s mother’s reaction was vicious. She berated Emily and her work so harshly that Emily decided to stop drawing altogether. The toxic parent who is jealous and narcissistic will not stand to see you succeed at anything because it triggers their own deeply suppressed feelings of inadequacy. Emily’s toxic mother did everything in her power to crush Emily’s spirit.

After a year of weekly IFS therapy sessions, Emily has undergone quite a transformation. She has regained her passion for drawing and has healed many parts of herself that were traumatized by her mother’s toxic parenting. She no longer hears her mother’s voice telling her that she’s not good enough. Emily has also undergone a significant change in her body language. She no longer carries herself in a timid or shy manner, but instead, she can look people in the eye with confidence and self-assurance. Throughout therapy, Emily has made significant strides, including cutting off all contact with her toxic parents, soon completing her nursing degree, and learning to recognize and avoid toxic people. She no longer self-sabotages (cutting, binge eating, and seeking out dangerous relationships) and has developed the ability to set strong boundaries with everyone around her. She’s developed a deep sense of self-compassion, which has translated into compassion for others. Most important of all, Emily is able to recognize her triggered parts (emotions), show compassion toward them and self-regulate. It’s remarkable to witness Emily’s progress and growth, and it’s a testament to her courage and commitment to healing from her toxic upbringing. Emily credits IFS therapy with helping her in ways that traditional talk therapy couldn’t. Even now, she continues to find value in her sessions, making progress towards healing the wounds of her traumatic childhood one step at a time.

To book your one free session of IFS therapy with me, contact me at www.khanselma.com/contact.

2. Toxic parent: The Criticising and Dismissive Father 

Eric had been suffering because of his toxic father who frequently criticized him and offered unsolicited opinions about Eric’s life. Eric shares that every time he brought home a good grade from school, his father would criticize the way he had answered some questions, saying things like, “You missed a couple of key points in that essay. You could have done better if you had paid more attention.” Or “Is that what you call a good grade? Why didn’t you get full marks?” His father never acknowledged Eric’s achievements or praised him for his hard work.

In addition to academic performance, Eric’s father often criticized the way Eric interacted with others. He would say things like “You are too shy, man up! And you’re acting awkward, I’m ashamed calling you my son”. He also criticized the way Eric spent his free time, saying that he was a lazy spoiled brat, or that he spent too much time on his phone. I listened with compassion as Eric continued telling me his story. His father was also, critical to say the least, of Eric’s career choices. When Eric expressed an interest in pursuing a career in the arts, his father told him “Forget about stupid things like art, it’s an absolute waste of time. Wake up and don’t live in a dreamland. Don’t dare speak of this nonsense idea with me again, do you hear me?” Eric was forced to pursue a traditional career path because he was a man and had responsibilities to take on in the family. 

With this upbringing, along with a passive mother, Eric felt more and more pressured, ashamed, and deeply hurt. Because of his sense of inadequacy and deeply suppressed emotions, he unconsciously took out his frustration on the women he dated with devastating consequences. He also coped with his inner pain by drowning himself in work, working harder than anyone he knew, in the hope, his dad would feel proud of him. It was also a way for Eric to avoid facing the internal chaos of agony, anger, and shame that he was forced to suppress in order to continue living life from an “apparently normal part” of himself. But no matter what he did, Eric could never live up to his toxic father’s expectations. And no matter how hard he suppressed his true feelings, they had their way to the surface, like feelings always do, usually in destructive ways. He lived with constant pressure in his chest, had frequent unexplained headaches, had a quick temper, and was often told he came across as emotionally unavailable. Eric’s entire identity rested on his work and he often felt “messed up” or “broken” inside but was very skilled at concealing this to everyone around him, including himself at times.

Eric came to me seeking IFS therapy to work through his childhood experiences, and we have been working together to rebuild his self-esteem and trust in his own abilities. Although Eric’s journey is still ongoing in therapy, he has made significant progress. Not only has he been able to get rid of his headaches, but he has also gained a better understanding of why part of him was so angry. Additionally, Eric has learned to work fewer hours, set strong boundaries with his toxic father, and direct compassion towards himself instead of towards his father.

Through our therapy sessions, Eric realized that his identity and self-worth are not tied to work, but rather in how he treats himself and the wounded parts of himself. He was able to release the tremendous grief, anger, and shame that was put onto him by his father’s judgment and opinions of him. I helped Eric understand that the little boy inside him, who represents one of his many inner children or exiles, needed the chance to cry, be angry, and express what he really felt when he was shamed, hurt, and belittled by his dad.

By showing compassion towards himself, instead of his father, Eric has been able to open his heart towards others as well and not act out and project his anger toward women like before. Instead, he has learned to acknowledge and express his feelings in a healthy and constructive way. He now experiences life from a place of courage, connectedness, calm, and confidence that he never thought was possible before starting IFS therapy. He’s reparenting his younger selves (parts) in a way that he realizes his parents should have done. Eric’s journey is ongoing, and I am proud of the progress he has made and am excited to help him find more balance in his life.

3. Toxic parent: The enmeshed mother who is emotionally dependent on you 

John, had always been close to his mother, but as he grew older, he realized that their relationship had become unhealthy. He felt uneasy around his mother but wasn’t sure why. She was overly dependent on him for emotional support and would often overshare personal information about her life, including her unhappy marriage with John’s father. John found himself constantly feeling guilty when he couldn’t be there for his mother, even if it meant neglecting his own needs and those of his wife and children. His mother would call him multiple times a day, often interrupting family time, and would even show up unannounced at his home, expecting him to drop everything and tend to her needs.

John’s enmeshment with his mother started to take a toll on his marriage. His wife felt neglected and more like an afterthought, and they began to argue more frequently. John found himself becoming defensive and unable to set boundaries with his mother, which only made the situation worse. John felt a range of intense and conflicting emotions internally; one part felt a deep attachment and love towards his mother and another part felt resentment, anger, and guilt towards her. He felt trapped in a dynamic that restricted his ability to establish autonomy and make independent decisions.

When John’s wife was in the hospital after giving birth to their second child, John’s mother insisted on being in the delivery room and staying with them at the hospital, even though John’s wife had explicitly told her she needed privacy. This caused a huge fight between John and his wife, and it took them months to repair the damage to their relationship.

Another time, John’s mother invited herself on their family vacation. She refused to stay in a separate room and insisted on spending every moment with them. This made John’s wife feel like she had no say in the matter and left her feeling resentful and unimportant. John’s wife also felt angry at him for not understanding how inappropriate it was for his mother to refuse to stay in a separate room. There were no boundaries present, not to mention privacy for the couple.

John naturally struggled with overwhelming emotions due to everything that was going on in his marriage and relationship with his mother. After years of struggling to set boundaries with his mother and feeling like he was failing both his wife’s and his mother’s expectations, John finally decided to seek therapy.

To book your one free session of IFS therapy with me, contact me at www.khanselma.com/contact.

We worked together in IFS therapy, and slowly but steadily John learned how to set boundaries with his mother and put his own needs and the needs of his family first. He was able to repair the damage to his marriage and create a healthier relationship with his mother, one where loving her didn’t mean he had to neglect, sacrifice, and give up his own and his family’s needs. John also discovered through IFS therapy the core wounds that were the reason for his enmeshed relationship with his mother. He came to the realization that a healthy, loving relationship never requires the child to erase his identity in order to be loved. He realized that independence from parents is the natural and healthy development for a child as they move into adulthood. And that feeling suffocated by one or both parents is not normal. John’s resolve to heal his childhood wounds has been incredible to witness and I feel honoured to have been part of his healing journey.

4. Toxic parent: The physically abusive dad who says “I disciplined you for your own good and because you were a difficult child”. 

Jane’s father was a physically abusive and emotionally volatile man, who would often fly into fits of rage over minor infractions or perceived slights. He would strike his children and berate them with insults, leaving them feeling frightened and humiliated. Jane was frequently the target of his abuse, even for things she didn’t do or couldn’t control.

For example, one time when she was 10 years old, Jane’s father became angry with her for dropping a glass of milk on the floor. He slapped her hard across the face, leaving her with a red mark. Jane remembered that her body simply froze at that moment and that she didn’t understand what had just happened. She also remembers feeling overwhelmed, ashamed, hurt, angry, and very guilty because she upset her dad. She believed that there was something wrong with her and that’s why her father treated her like this.

When Jane was a teenager, her father often belittled her and criticized her choices, especially when it came to her appearance and weight. He would tell her that she was too fat, that her hair looked messy, or that her clothing was inappropriate. He would compare her unfavorably to other girls her age, saying things like “Why can’t you be more like Stella? She is so thin and pretty.”

Despite her efforts to please her father, Jane felt like she could never measure up to his standards. She began to develop a distorted body image and became obsessive about her weight and appearance. She would stand in front of the mirror, scrutinizing her features and trying to find ways to improve them. Jane developed an eating disorder due to her father’s toxic ways. She began restricting her food intake and excessively exercising in an attempt to lose weight and meet her father’s unrealistic expectations. Her eating disorder consumed her life, and she became increasingly isolated from friends and family as she struggled to cope with her father’s physical and verbal abuse. Jane described to me how the thoughts (or parts of herself) would tell her that she was too fat, and no matter how much weight she seemed to lose it was never enough. Another part of her said that she doesn’t deserve to be happy until she was thin enough. She also told me “I feel so much better about myself when I’m starving or exercising.” But after starving herself, feelings of shame and guilt would follow. She felt stuck in a cycle of hell and part of her knew if she continued this way it would be the death of her one day. As if her eating disorder wasn’t enough, Jane also began to feel like she couldn’t trust her own judgment, constantly seeking validation from others and feeling anxious and insecure in social situations. Jane said to me “The only good thing that came from starving my body was that my father stopped hitting me because I was simply too weak to take his beatings any longer.” He did however continue to verbally abuse her. 

Jane’s father had a twisted reasoning behind his abuse. He saw Jane as a rebellious and difficult child who needed to be put in her place. In his eyes, she deserved physical and verbal punishment for anything he decided was punishable. To make matters worse, he would often say things like “I do this because I love you” or “I wouldn’t hit you if you weren’t so difficult!”

I told Jane with all the compassion I could muster that her father’s abuse had nothing to do with her but had to do with his own deep-rooted insecurities and need for control. His sense of entitlement, lack of empathy, and excessive need for power and control are the drive for his toxic behavior. And I told Jane that I’m deeply sorry that she had to go through the pain of having a father who neglected her basic needs as a daughter and even as a human being. This type of abuse strips you from your sense of dignity, worth, and sense of self. That’s what happened to Jane. Her father’s abuse had a profound and lasting impact on her life. The emotional scars and trauma from the abuse led to a range of debilitating mental health issues, apart from her eating disorder, Jane got diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, and had frequent panic attacks. She also struggled with low self-esteem, leading her to seek out toxic relationships involving both emotional and physical violence. She was drawn to the familiarity of their mistreatment as if it was her “normal” to be treated without respect. 

Being with these toxic men, thoughts like “he is the only one who loves me” and “he isn’t always mean, there are times he is very loving and kind” clouded Jane’s judgment and made it difficult for her to see the reality of her situation. Part of her was convinced that she needed her abuser, that she couldn’t survive without him, and that leaving him would mean certain death. It was a vicious cycle that perpetuated her pain and suffering.

She believed that she could fix the toxic men she was involved with, or that their occasional loving moments made up for the abuse. She also felt a strong addiction to her partners, as if some outside force was keeping her attached to them. In her mind, leaving them meant being alone and unloved.

Jane’s story is unfortunately all too common for individuals who have experienced abuse at the hands of a toxic parent. If you are also someone who has gone through this, know that you’re not alone in your struggles. Jane was able to recognize that her relationship with her father was only causing more harm than good, and in therapy, she began the journey of healing from the traumatic experiences of her childhood. Through IFS therapy, Jane learned to show compassion to her younger selves, and gradually let go of the painful memories that had weighed her down for so long. 

The eating disorder was one of the hardest parts of herself to face, but with courage, curiosity, and compassion, Jane was able to help them too. She found out, like we all do in IFS therapy, that none of her parts who used the eating disorder as a coping mechanism was trying to hurt her. They were only trying to protect her from her father’s abuse, and at the time, the protective parts of her actually succeeded in that goal. Because as you read, through starving her body, her father stopped hitting her. So we appreciated the protective parts of Jane for the incredible job they did for her during her childhood. Then, we helped the parts to find new roles in Jane’s life, instead of having to starve her, they found healthier ways to protect her. Such as learning to say no to abusive men and other toxic relationships. Eating healthier to keep her body strong and energetic. These parts of Jane were willing to take on new roles because they understood that she is no longer a helpless child, she is an adult today and her father is no longer around to beat her or verbally abuse her. Jane has managed to unburden the parts related to her eating disorder and no longer has an eating disorder. 

She was able to leave the toxic relationship she was in and has learned how to distinguish toxic behavior from loving behavior. She still has parts of herself that are drawn to toxic men but she is able to recognize them as parts of herself and not all of her. This allows her to lead life from an adult state of mind. Jane still has a lot of work left to do in therapy in order to fully resolve her many traumatic experiences in childhood but she has come a long way already and I am happy to be part of her journey of healing.

I don’t want to blame my parents for my problems, I’m an adult and I’m the only one responsible for my life. Besides, how do I know that I’m not the one that’s “messed up”?

When you’ve had toxic parents, regardless of the type of toxic parenting you experienced, you’ll suffer similar consequences. You’ll feel like your sense of self is damaged, and you’ll struggle with overwhelming emotions that you don’t understand or know how to control. Or, you may feel absolutely nothing when thinking of your childhood and your parent’s treatment of you, believing that this makes you stronger and protected from being hurt. Whether you feel “nothing” about your childhood or overwhelmed, you may engage in self-destructive behavior in order to cope with your internal struggle. Yes, even if you numb yourself or feel nothing, you still struggle internally. This is because feeling nothing or feeling too much does not help us heal from past wounds. Addiction to smoking, drinking, gambling, sex, work, or exercise are all common ways to deal with the pain inside. Distractions can help you to temporarily avoid your emotions by staying busy, but it does not make you feel better in the long run. Drowning in work is a special coping mechanism because we live in a society that rewards overachievers – missing the underlying factors that usually drive overachieving parts – emotional pain and a deep sense of inadequacy. You’ll have spent your life trying to please, fix, stand on one leg, twist, and turn until you’re blue in the face, all for one reason only – to be seen, validated, respected, heard, and loved by your parents. You wish that someday they’ll love you the way you need them to, or you’ll meet someone who will love you for who you are. At times you may even convince yourself that you accept your parents the way they are and that you’re over it now, you’ve forgiven them because they had their own pain to deal with. Regardless of how you are dealing with your pain, you are normal and it makes sense that you’re dealing with what you’ve been through in your own way.

If you still feel like you don’t want to blame your parents, and that your situation is different than all the above examples, I hear you and I even understand you. 

I will encourage you to ask yourself some questions if you feel like you have the curiosity or courage to do so, if not, you don’t have to. 

What will happen if you find out that you’re not the one to blame for their treatment of you throughout your childhood? What will happen if you do in fact hold them responsible for the behaviors that were indeed toxic? And one last question, if everything was your fault and not your parents, why would you be reading this article at all?

Usually, the answer is scarier than all the abuse or harsh treatment or neglect you suffered in childhood. Because if they are to blame and not you, there is nothing you can do to make them love you. This means you would stop trying to please, fix, be perfect, and everything else you’ve been doing your whole life to get them to love you. That’s a very scary reality for most. 

It can feel easier to keep fighting, trying, and clinging to the hope for the rest of your life, that one day your parents will realize your value and love you. But the truth is, when it comes to toxic parents, no matter how much you try, you’ll not make them love you because they just don’t have the empathy, kindness, compassion, and courage required for healthy love. And that has nothing to do with you, it has to do with their own unhealed trauma. 

If you blame yourself, which all children do (because it’s the only way to survive psychologically), there is still hope that things can get better, because the belief is “I’m the problem, not their behavior, not them”. This is the incredible and simultaneously tragic way children help themselves survive a toxic childhood because as a child you don’t know any other way of surviving. It’s easier to think “daddy is angry because I did something bad” than to think “daddy cannot be trusted and has rage attacks that harm me and everyone else in the family”.

So if I had toxic parents, what does that mean for me as an adult?

As a therapist, I’ve heard countless stories from clients who have suffered the effects of toxic parenting without even realizing it. Unfortunately, this is a common issue that affects people all around the world, including me before I began my own healing through IFS therapy. Allow me to paint a raw and honest picture of how an adult can get affected by toxic parenting, to illustrate this point.

Example of what it can feel like as an adult having grown up with toxic parents:

At times, work feels like a blessing because it provides a temporary escape from the loneliness that awaits me at home. Right now I’m single but when I think about it, even when I was with the man I thought was the love of my life, I felt lonely. His occasional kindness and angry outbursts even, made me feel connected to him and not so alone, that was better than having to feel the chaos inside me. I’m such a mess, can’t blame my parents for seeing it too, they’re right, I’ll never change. 

When I come home from work, I occasionally pour myself a glass or two of wine or hit the gym to numb the pain, food always makes me feel better too, I just wish the good feelings would last but they never do. I scroll through social media, feeling generally disconnected from everyone, and feel worse about my life, but at least it keeps me distracted from my feelings. 

The voices in my head are so loud and harsh, the strongest voice is my inner bully, constantly telling me that I will be alone forever, that there’s no one out there for me, and that I’m a loser. I hear my mother’s voice telling me that I need to eat better, love myself, and stop being so damn lazy. I hate living in my head and often wonder if I’m bipolar or something. Sometimes, I just numb it all with alcohol or Netflix, hoping to forget the gnawing anxiety in my chest. Hate the anxiety too.

All the pressure at work and my coworkers who don’t understand me only add to my stress. They’re just like my parents, making constant demands and whining about everything. Everyone just cares about themselves. I’ll show them all one day! But what if I can’t, what if I fail? What if I’m not good enough? My father never thought I would achieve anything, and sometimes I believe him. I’m so confused and fed up, I don’t even know what I’m doing with my life half the time. Tired of biting my tongue and not being able to say what I really feel and think. Tired of agreeing to shit I don’t want to do and being polite to assholes who don’t deserve it. When is it my turn to speak or be heard?  

My mom doesn’t seem to listen to me still. Whenever I talk to her, she just starts giving me the guilt and lectures me about how ungrateful I am. Or she goes on about her demands like I don’t even have a choice, “Come over for dinner this weekend”, “Call your father he isn’t feeling well”, “You need to get out more and find yourself a man, stop being so picky or you’ll end up alone.” Sick of their constant demands and whining and sick of trying to fix them. She tells me I don’t listen to her, don’t even understand how she finds that logical since I’m the only one that listens when we call or meet! She is so selfish, why doesn’t she get it, why can’t she just change, even a little? Why is it always me who has to change? 

I feel like I’m being held down just by talking to her on the phone! I can’t seem to do anything right, and I hate myself for it. I’m such a pushover, and I can’t stand up to anyone. I hate life, but I know I need to keep my head above water. I don’t hate her, I mean she’s only human after all but it still hurts and I don’t know why I have to be so damn sensitive. I just gotta get over it I guess, be more productive, and get busier, maybe that will help.

Maybe I’ll start meditating soon, and I should read that book about how to be more productive and prove my dad wrong. I need to learn how to wake up earlier and stop being so lazy. Finally, the day is over, I hope I don’t get nightmares tonight, maybe best to take a pill or watch videos until I just pass out.

If you can relate to this story, know that you’re not alone. However you relate, it’s completely normal to feel the way you do. Realizing that your parents are toxic is a difficult journey, and simply becoming aware of it doesn’t mean that everything will be fine. You will have days where a part of you will deny that your parents did anything wrong, while other times you will hear a part that says the forbidden words “I hate my parents”. It’s these inner conflicts that require your attention, healing, and compassion.

To book your one free session of IFS therapy with me, contact me at www.khanselma.com/contact.

In IFS therapy, my role is to help you explore and understand your inner world, allowing you to get curious about it. Together, we can work towards bringing balance, calm, and healing to the parts of you that feel overwhelmed or are “driving you mad”. These parts are not trying to hurt you, but rather trying to get your attention because they have been living a certain way for so long and don’t know any other way to keep you safe and protected.

It’s important to understand that the examples we’ve discussed in this article are only a few of the many symptoms that can arise from having toxic parents. Other common symptoms include: 

1. Low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness
2. Anxiety and/or depression
3. Difficulty with setting boundaries and saying no
4. People-pleasing tendencies
5. Difficulty with trusting others
6. Perfectionism and/or fear of failure
7. Constant self-criticism and self-doubt
8. Difficulty with expressing emotions and/or recognizing emotions in others
9. Anger management issues and/or difficulty with regulating emotions
10. Struggles with intimacy and/or forming healthy relationships
11. Self-destructive behaviors, such as substance abuse, eating disorders, and self-harm
12. Chronic feelings of guilt and shame
13. Difficulty with decision-making and/or feeling helpless
14. Need for control in relationships and/or life situations
15. Negative self-talk and/or negative internal dialogue.
16. Fear of abandonment or rejection
17. Inability to identify or communicate personal needs and wants
18. Difficulty with assertiveness or standing up for oneself
19. Chronic self-blame or self-sabotage
20. Chronic feelings of loneliness, isolation, or disconnection
21. Emotional detachment or avoidance
22. Hypervigilance or constant scanning for threats or danger
23. Difficulty with self-care or neglecting one’s own needs
24. Chronic physical symptoms or illnesses without a clear medical explanation
25. Difficulty with trusting oneself or one’s own instincts
26. Feelings of being disconnected from one’s own identity or sense of self
27. Difficulty with forgiveness or holding onto resentment.
28. Insomnia
29. Ptsd (post-traumatic stress disorder)
30. DID (Dissociative identity disorder)

Can you relate to any of the examples or situations mentioned in this article? Are you starting to realize that your parents were indeed toxic? Maybe you already knew your parents were toxic but are now realizing that it’s worse than you thought. If so, I urge you to seek help. Trauma therapy, especially evidence-based treatments such as IFS therapy, can be the best investment you make in your healing and in your life, weather you choose me as your therapist or someone else. To read more about what IFS therapy is read https://khanselma.com/what-is-internal-family-systems/. 

What sets me apart as a therapist is my 100% commitment to your healing process, driven by my own personal experience as a survivor of toxic parents, narcissistic abuse, and domestic violence. I have already helped many clients free themselves from the grips of toxic parenting. Clients who have managed to cut contact with parents set boundaries with them, and significantly reduced their trauma-related symptoms. IFS therapy saved my life, and I approach each and every client with a strong sense of purpose and conviction, believing wholeheartedly in the effectiveness of IFS therapy and its ability to help people overcome their past traumas no matter how big or small to move towards a more balanced and fulfilling life.

Another thing I love about IFS therapy is its non-pathologizing and accepting approach, which focuses on understanding and healing the underlying parts of yourself that have been affected by past traumas, rather than defining you by one of several diagnoses and implying that you are doomed to live with those symptoms forever. IFS emphasizes that your symptoms were developed in order to help you survive your childhood and these symptoms are only parts of you, trying to help you the best they can. Helping these parts of you to find new roles in your life and let go of the burdens they carry is the main focus of IFS, along with welcoming every single part of you. 

Through IFS therapy, I’ve been able to effectively reduce my PTSD symptoms and break free from trauma bonds with my past relationships. I’ve also managed to cut contact with all my family members since they were toxic to my health and well-being and setting boundaries with them did not help since most toxic people tend to disrespect boundaries.

This isn’t some magical fix, but rather, IFS therapy tackles the root causes of your issues. As a child or teenager, you may have engaged in destructive behaviors or developed certain coping mechanisms to avoid emotional pain, maintain control, avoid rejection, or preserve your self-esteem. None of these things are inherently bad; (book recommendation “No bad parts” by Dr. Richard Schwartz) they served a purpose in helping you survive in your past environment. Another book recommendation is (“Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life” by Dr. Susan Forward). I really hope this article was helpful to you in some way.

Here’s what you can do right away to take some form of action toward your healing:

1. Get in touch to schedule a session with me at www.khanselma.com/contact. I offer one free session to see if we are the right fit and for you to try IFS therapy with me. 

2. Subscribe to my newsletters (below) for healing tools and other content that I only share with subscribers

3. Follow me on Instagram and/or Facebook, you can do so below

4. Help someone else: Share this article with someone who needs to read it

5. Start reading the book recommendations to help your healing process

If you know anyone who could benefit from this article, please feel free to share it. 

And if you’re interested in trying out a free session of IFS therapy with me, you can contact me at www.khanselma.com/contact. I promise to get back to you within 24 hours.

Sending you compassion,

Selma

The post 4 Toxic Parenting Traits & How Childhood Trauma Affects You as an Adult appeared first on Selma Khan.

These inner conflicts can make you feel like you’re going crazy. But the truth is, you’re not crazy. Your nervous system has just been overwhelmed by traumatic experiences and it’s struggling to find balance. But there is hope. There’s a powerful and transformative approach to these inner conflicts that can lead to true healing and bring your nervous system back to its natural state of regulation.

The evidence-based trauma treatment called IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy is a powerful and innovative approach to self-discovery that can help you understand and connect with the different parts of yourself in a whole new way. By learning to work with these parts, rather than against them, you can experience a deep sense of inner peace and self-love that you never thought possible.

Internal family systems therapy was developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, who has been pioneering it in the US for 40 years. IFS therapy has been effective in helping people with trauma recovery, healing from relationship issues, anger issues, insomnia, addiction, trauma-bonded relationships, depression, anxiety, complex trauma, and much more. IFS recognizes that having multiple parts of ourselves is not a pathology, but a normal and healthy function of the mind. In Internal family systems therapy, you will identify your own “inner family” of parts, understand how each part is trying to help and protect you and restore balance and self-love through inner dialogue.

Below you get an idea of what it means to have a family of parts inside your head. Below are examples of different parts that a client of mine had including a part addicted to gaming, a part feeling shame, an overwhelmed part, an angry part, a part that’s stuck in a cage, and several others. However, these are just examples, as parts can manifest in various ways, such as voices in your head, feelings, or sensations in the body. There is no right or wrong way to experience parts within yourself. (Note: The client has given permission to share this information.)

The true you is called Self in Internal Family Systems Therapy

You have a wise and compassionate leader within you that holds all of your different parts together and this compassionate leader is the only thing that is not a part. It’s like having a superhero inside of you that knows all your strengths and weaknesses and how to make all of your different parts work together for the greater good. This is the real you, your core self, and is referred to as “Self” or self-energy in Internal family systems. Self will help your parts to get the resolve they are looking for. But when we experience trauma, it can disrupt the flow of our self-energy and cause us to feel disconnected from ourselves and others. In IFS therapy, I will help you to access your self-energy and to connect with your parts from this energy. This is what is needed to heal from all kinds of trauma, including complex trauma.

Self-energy gives us the ability to be present, make decisions, feel our feelings, and be in relationships with others. The self consists of eight key attributes or qualities, often referred to as the 8 Cs in IFS.

The 8 Cs are:

Calmness: Feeling peaceful, centered, and grounded. This is the foundation for all the other Cs.

Clarity: Having a clear sense of who you are and what you want. It is about seeing things clearly, both internally and externally.

Courage: Willingness to take risks, face your fears, and be true to yourself.

Curiosity: Exploring and learning about the parts within you and other people and parts within them.

Compassion: Being kind, understanding, and non-judgmental towards yourself and others.

Confidence: Having faith in yourself and your abilities.

Creativity: Open to new ideas and new ways of doing things, having access to your imagination.

Connection: Feeling connected to yourself, to others, and to the world around you. It is about feeling a sense of belonging.

The goal of Internal family systems therapy is to help you to access more self-energy (the 8 cs of Self), which allows you to make healthier choices and to have healthy relationships with others. Think about it, if you are able to access more of these 8 qualities in your day-to-day life, how would your life be different? IFS therapy helps you rewire your brain by connecting with parts of yourself with curiosity and compassion.

What does an Internal family systems therapy session look like? Protector parts 

During an IFS therapy session, I work with clients to explore and gain insight into the different aspects of themselves. We use a curious and non-judgmental approach to understand the motivations and needs of these different parts. For example, you may have an “overachiever” part that believes its job is to achieve success, maintain financial stability and high status in their job, and avoid failure at all costs. Protector parts work very hard at their jobs and are very committed. The picture below illustrates what this process may look like. When you feel curious about a part of yourself (in this example a protector part who’s an overachiever), I will encourage you to approach it with an open and non-judgmental attitude by saying, “You are welcome here. I’m curious about you. Can you tell me more about yourself?” This will help initiate a conversation with that part. It may tell you “My job is to protect you from feeling rejected, criticized, and unloved.”

It continues to share with you that it developed this role as a child due to pressure from your mother to excel academically and professionally. Achieving success was how the overachiever made you gain her love and acceptance.

When you hear the story of your overachiever part and understand the reasons why it took on this role in your childhood, you will naturally feel compassion towards it. This part acted out of a need for your survival, believing that without love and acceptance from your mother, you would not be able to make it. As children, our survival depends on gaining the love and acceptance of our parents. When children are unable to succeed in this, even through changing themselves, children resort to creating a fantasy world in which their parents do love them.

Through the process of showing compassion and understanding to the overachiever part, it may be willing to release its role as a protector and allow itself to take a break. It can even take on a whole new role in your life. This can be imagined as the part taking a vacation, or simply telling you it wants to read books in a library! While this process takes place in the imagination, the physical and psychological relief, as well as the resulting changes in behavior, can be just as real as the beating of one’s own heart. Many of my clients have reported that they were suddenly drawn to an actual library, or felt compelled to start a new sport because a part expressed the need to do so in IFS therapy. These are just a few examples of how behaviors change in our day-to-day life because of IFS therapy and the impact it has on our brain, body, and well-being.

The role of protector parts in your life can manifest in other ways too, due to past trauma. Some examples include:

1. A protector may trigger overeating as a coping mechanism to avoid sexual attention due to past trauma or body shaming experiences in childhood.
2. Another protector may encourage overthinking to avoid difficult emotions. The logic may be “If you stay in your head at all times, you never have to feel anything.”
3. Yet another protector may shut down your emotions and ability to think completely, to avoid feeling helpless or scared in confrontational situations.
4. A protector may develop addictive behaviors in you (gaming, drinking, smoking, sex addiction, etc.) as a distraction from the inner pain of the exiles (see more on exiles below.)

These protector parts can express themselves as “symptoms” or coping mechanisms in your life such as numbing, eating disorders, chronic pain, depression, irritability, decreased concentration, insomnia, and more. The origins of these behaviors often stem from childhood as a way to cope with traumatic experiences. The eating disorder may have distracted you from the pain of low self-worth, the pain of loneliness and not feeling loved or understood by your caregivers.  The irritability may have pushed everyone away and so helped you to not feel rejected by anyone.

Protectors are beautiful parts we all have inside us, doing a phenomenal job at keeping us alive, managing our pain, and not overwhelming us, especially as children. In IFS therapy you help protectors understand that roles they took on in the past to protect us from the pain of trauma, can be let go of now because the danger from the past is no longer present today. You can also help protectors to let you do their job once they trust that you are capable to do their job now because you are an adult now and not a child. You will also help protectors to let go of the burdens they have been carrying perhaps for decades, allowing them to adopt new, healthier roles.

Exiles and suppressed memories

When trauma occurs, it has a profound impact on your sense of self and your ability to function in the world. Traumatic events can be so overwhelming that the brain (protective parts) pushes aside the memories and feelings associated with the trauma in order to protect you from the pain of the memories. In Internal family systems therapy, the parts of you that carry these suppressed memories are referred to as “exiles.” In the picture below you see an example of how exiled parts can be locked up in your brain along with all the painful memories they carry. Outside the gate, you see an example of a protector part keeping the pain of the exiles from reaching you.

During a traumatic event, all aspects of the moment become frozen in time, including:

Physical sensations: The body may have experienced a freeze or flight response during the traumatic event.

Emotions: Emotions such as anger, shame, fear, or guilt may have been experienced during the traumatic event.

Actions: The individual’s own actions and the actions of others during the traumatic event are also frozen in time.

Beliefs: The beliefs the individual had about themselves and the world at the time of the trauma are also locked in place.

Even if protectors want you to forget these memories, the exiles will continue to call for you to return to them, release them from their burdens and bring them into the present moment with you.

The unburdening stage and what happens after

As you learn more about your different parts, you will reach the stage in Internal family systems therapy of unburdening the pain that parts of you carry. This means everything associated with your past traumas such as beliefs, body sensations, and intense feelings will no longer haunt you. The unburdening process in IFS leads to a reduction in whatever trauma symptoms you may be suffering from such as anxiety, depression, insomnia, addictions, and more of what I’ve mentioned above. Parts release their burdens by surrendering them to elements like fire, water, light, wind, or earth. 

This results in the integration of formerly fragmented parts into a more unified and harmonious self, leading to greater balance and wholeness. The unburdening process in IFS therapy has been shown to significantly reduce symptoms of various conditions including but not limited to PTSD, anxiety, depression, and addiction. Clients have reported feeling less need to engage in behaviors such as addiction to gaming and instead, have discovered new interests and hobbies. Through Internal family systems therapy, clients have also been able to access suppressed memories from childhood and by doing so developed deeper self-compassion, leading to a calmer mind and body, improved relationships, reduced fear, and the ability to set healthy and strong boundaries.

In summary, IFS therapy is a form of evidence-based trauma treatment aimed at addressing inner conflicts and restoring balance to the nervous system. It was developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz over 40 years ago and has been used effectively to help people with a wide range of issues, including but not limited to addiction, trauma recovery, anger, depression, and anxiety. IFS recognizes that having multiple parts of oneself is normal and healthy, and helps individuals identify their own “inner family” of parts, understand how each part is trying to help and protect them and restore balance and self-love through inner dialogue. IFS welcomes all parts within us.

The core self, or “Self,” is the true essence of an individual, consisting of 8 attributes or qualities known as the 8 Cs: Calmness, Clarity, Courage, Curiosity, Compassion, Confidence, Creativity, and Connection. The goal of IFS therapy is to help individuals develop more self-energy and to make healthier choices and relationships. In a therapy session, I will work with you to explore your different parts and help you approach them with curiosity, compassion, and non-judgment. IFS helps you to resolve your inner conflicts, and childhood traumas, release stuck energy from your body, and give your body and mind long-awaited relief. It will help you to finally put the past in the past and give you a real chance of living in the present and being more at ease with your mind and body.

So Internal Family Systems Therapy can help you with, but is not limited to, the following:

1. Resolving enmeshment trauma and learning how to establish healthy boundaries in relationships. (To learn about enmeshment read this article 13 signs your relationship is enmeshed)

2. Dysfunctional relationships, including those within families and intimate partnerships.

3. Anger issues

4. Insomnia and other sleep disorders

5. Addiction

6. Break trauma-bonded relationships and heal for the abuse they cause

7. Depression

8. Anxiety

9. PTSD and C-Ptsd

10. Resolving inner conflicts

11. Making healthier choices

12. Building and keeping healthy relationships with others

13. Process trauma instead of re-living it

14. Getting to know yourself and your parts on a whole new level

15. Understanding yourself and people through an IFS lens

16. Helping parts even when you are not in therapy because you will learn how to identify their needs and motivations, and how to help them.

17. Feeling more connected with yourself, your body, and other people

18. Gain more clarity internally and externally (towards the world and people around you)

19. Gain the confidence and tools to deal with triggered parts of yourself with compassion

20. Decrease the frequency and severity of flashbacks and dissociative experiences

IFS therapy can be your chance to heal and recover from trauma. Take the first step in your healing journey with online therapy. No matter your location, I’m here to support you every step of the way. Reach out to me at https://khanselma.com/contact/ – I guarantee to reply within 24 hours.

All images are for illustration only. Parts can appear in any shape, form, or size. Some people can’t see parts and only sense them internally, while others hear parts communicate through words, voices, thoughts, or emotions. Even body sensations can be a way for parts to communicate. There’s no right or wrong way for parts to appear in your system. The images are just to help you understand what parts are and how they can work internally.

Do you know someone who can benefit from reading this article? Share it with them.

Lastly, if you would like to know more about Internal family systems therapy, you can read about it on the IFS institute page: https://ifs-institute.com/

With love,

Selma

The post What is Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy? Healing trauma by meeting your internal family appeared first on Selma Khan.

It typically involves five stages, which occur in a repeating pattern and can be broken down into three main stages: tension-building, explosion, and honeymoon. Understanding the cycle of abuse can help identify if you are in an abusive relationship and take steps to get out of it.

For the purposes of this example, I will use ‘he’ to refer to the abuser. It’s important to note that abuse can happen to anyone regardless of gender.

Stage one: Tension-building 

The first stage of the abuse cycle is the tension-building phase. During this stage, tensions start to build in the relationship, and the abuser may become increasingly irritable, critical, or controlling. He may also start to blame you for his problems and may become possessive or jealous. This stage can last for days, weeks, or even months.

Stage two: Incident phase

The second stage is the incident phase. This is the stage when the abuser lashes out with abuse, whether it’s physical, emotional, sexual, or other forms. You may feel terrified, frozen, confused, and unsafe. It is normal to feel a mix of emotions during the incident phase since his behavior now has shifted from seemingly tender to cruel. He may use violence, threats, or other forms of coercion to control you. He may also use verbal abuse, such as name-calling, belittling, or threatening language. This stage poses the greatest risk, as it can result in serious physical harm and leave the victim with lasting psychological trauma from the emotional abuse.

Stage three: The honeymoon phase

The third stage is the honeymoon phase. After the incident, the abuser may apologize, promise to change, or make excuses for his behavior. He may also offer gifts, affection, or sex as a way of making up. It is also a common tactic for the abuser to shift the blame onto the victim for his behavior, or to manipulate you into believing that you are the only one who can help him change. This is a manipulative tactic that is also abusive, but it may not appear as such because it is more subtle and often combined with displays of tenderness. It is normal to feel confused and unsure about what to believe. 

During this stage, you may believe that he will change and the relationship will improve. This happens because abusers are skilled at manipulating their victims through the use of superficial charm, flattery, and by providing what they have deliberately withheld from the victim. This stage is also known as the “calm before the storm” as it creates a false sense of security and hope. The reason he behaves in this way is that he wants to maintain control and keep you emotionally invested in the relationship, preventing you from leaving. It is important to note that this behavior should not be mistaken as a sign of love or affection, but rather as a manipulation tactic to control and maintain power over you. Additionally, it is a selfish way of avoiding feelings of loneliness, boredom, and anything else that he does not want to face within. It is also an incredibly cruel way of behaving since he is not interested in changing and by manipulating you to stay he is consciously willing to continue the cycle of abuse.

Stage four: The calm phase

The fourth stage is the seemingly calm phase. The relationship returns to what seems to be a state of calm, and you may even get a feeling that things are improving for a period of time. You may begin to feel things like hope, happiness, and connection with the abuser. During this stage, he will deliberately be less controlling, and you may feel a sense of relief. This stage can last for days, weeks, or even months. It is usually stages three and four that keep you hooked into this toxic cycle, you may be waiting only for these two stages to arrive because you feel emotionally dependent on whatever little affection the abuser is willing to give to you when it suits him.

Stage five: Repeat

The fifth stage is the repeat phase. The cycle starts all over again with the tension-building phase, and this pattern will repeat itself many times over the course of the relationship. You may feel trapped in this cycle, one part of you wants to leave, and another, stay. Stages three and four give you the false hope that he will and can change or may simply fear what his retaliation will be if you leave. 

This cycle may vary from person to person, and it may not always happen in a linear way. You may experience multiple cycles in a single day. If you can recognize yourself here in any way, you are trauma-bonded to your abuser (read “Are you tired of hurting in your relationship? 7 Signs you may be trauma-bonded”).

Here are 10 things you can do in order to cope if you are currently in an abusive relationship: 

1. Recognizing the patterns of abuse: Understand the dynamics of the relationship and how the abuser uses tactics such as manipulation and control. To learn more about abusive tactics regardless of whether your abuser is a narcissist or not, this article will help you learn more: https://khanselma.com/12-mistakes-you-want-to-avoid-when-dealing-with-a-narcissist/
2. Learning about the abuser’s behavior: Understand that the abuser’s behavior is not your fault and that it is not likely to change without significant intervention.
   Book recommendations: “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft and “Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them: When Loving Hurts and You Don’t Know Why” by Dr. Susan Forward.
3. Setting boundaries: Communicate your needs and expectations clearly, and make it clear that abusive behavior is not acceptable. Note that abusers don’t care about boundaries and will fight back, but you can still get control back when you stand your ground on topics that are important to you. 
4. Seeking support: Surround yourself with people who will support and believe you. Seek out old or new friends, talk to colleagues if you work, keep a journal to express your feelings and write down what you are going through, and seek help from domestic violence organizations are some practical things you can do. Do not isolate yourself, it will only make the abuse worse and make you feel worse.
5. Developing a safety plan: Identify a safe place to leave, have a phone and money readily available, and have important documents such as identification and proof of address on hand.
6. Building self-esteem: Work on building your self-worth, as abuse will erode this, Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS) which is an evidence-based trauma treatment will help you to heal and rebuild your self-worth. Do things that you love or get back to those hobbies if you can. Remind yourself of a time when you had high self-worth and write down what you used to do and how you used to think at that time. If you can’t think of a time, imagine how you would be, think, feel and act if your self-worth was not under attack by the abuser. 
7. Practicing self-care: Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally by engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Eg. Drinking water, eating something healthy, taking a walk, meeting a friend, meditating, taking a bath, reading a book, or starting a class. 
8. Being prepared to leave: If the toxic behavior continues, be prepared to leave the relationship, and have a plan in place for your safety and well-being. Make the plan as elaborate as possible, where will you go, how will you get there, how much money do you need to survive and start over if needed, how will you sustain yourself (and kids if necessary) on your own, who can you trust to help you are a few examples.
9. Educate yourself about different resources and options available for leaving an unhealthy and dangerous relationship.
10. Consider trauma therapy to heal the underlying childhood wounds that may be what is keeping you in this toxic relationship. Trauma therapy will also help you process what you’ve been through and understand the dynamics of the relationship, and how to move forward in a healthy way, you can contact me at www.khanselma.com/contact if you want to book your first appointment or ask me anything. 

Healing from abuse can be the key to leaving it and beginning healing. One of these therapies is the evidence-based treatment method IFS (Internal Family Systems Therapy). IFS works with different parts within you, in abusive relationships, you will usually notice one part that wants to stay in the relationship and one that wants to leave. In IFS, you are guided to listen to these parts within you and help them get the resolve they are seeking. These are usually the younger parts of you who need to be released of the burdens they carry due to childhood wounds. IFS will help you resolve your childhood traumas, release stuck energy from your body, and give your body and mind long-awaited relief. IFS also helps you to finally put the past in the past and gives you a real chance of living in the present, being more at ease with your body and mind. 

Together, we can begin your healing journey, and through the use of online therapy, we can work together no matter where you are located. Feel free to contact me at https://khanselma.com/contact/. I always answer all my emails within 24 hours.

Do you know someone who can benefit from reading this article? Share it with them.

With love,

Selma

The post Breaking the Chain: Understanding the Cycle of Abuse appeared first on Selma Khan.

The more you break down the stronger they feel and the emotional agony that comes from being abandoned and used by them is absolutely overwhelming. Devoid of empathy (like narcissists are), they intentionally cause harm to others, are highly manipulative, and feel no remorse, guilt, or shame.

Psychopaths, narcissists, and sociopaths walk among us and they are more common than you think. What’s more common are individuals who have traits belonging to psychopaths, narcissists, and sociopaths among other cluster b personality disorders. Martha Stout, Ph.D., mentions in her book written in 2005 “The sociopath next door” that around 4% of the general population are sociopaths.

What does this number mean?

She asks to pay attention to the anorexic eating disorder which is estimated at 3.43 % and is deemed to be nearly epidemic. This is only a fraction lower than sociopathy. Schizophrenia is rated at around 1% of the population. The rate of colon cancer in the US, considered alarmingly high, is around 40 per 100 000 which is 100 times lower than the rate of sociopathy.

In other words, there are more sociopaths among us than the eating disorder anorexia, four times as many sociopaths as schizophrenics, and 100 times as many sociopaths as people diagnosed with colon cancer. If this information does not yet shock you, it should.

Dr. Ramani, a clinical psychologist and one of the world-leading experts on narcissism, mentions that around 2-6 % of the population in the US has the diagnosis of NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder). She says that this number may seem low, however, that’s because people with narcissistic patterns do not fulfill every criterion necessary for a complete NPD diagnosis. This means that people with narcissistic traits are toxic and dangerous too and the estimate of people having narcissistic traits is around 15-25%, which is around one in four or one in five people.

One in four/five people .. really let that sink in for a moment.

If you do the same estimate for psychopathy, sociopathy, and other cluster B personality disorders such as borderline personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder you can imagine that suddenly we are surrounded by people who have highly dangerous traits. Traits that ruin lives, successively break down a person’s psyche and leave people suicidal or sometimes drive people to commit suicide.

Books I highly recommend on this topic are “Surrounded by Psychopaths” and “Surrounded by Narcissists” by Thomas Erikson. These books can help you or someone you know to identify this type of abuse and escape from it. If you understand what to look out for, you have a higher chance of getting out or never getting involved with someone who has traits of psychopathy, narcissism, and other cluster b personality disorders.

Here are 30 signs you’re dealing with a psychopath, however, many of these traits will be found in sociopathy or antisocial personality disorder (APD), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), histrionic personality disorder (HPD), and borderline personality disorder (BPD).

If you notice even one trait in someone you have a relationship with, it will cause your body and mind serious harm. Dealing with this type of abuse on a consistent basis will traumatize you.

I’m writing (he) in the following text for simplicity, even females can be psychopaths, narcissists, and sociopaths. However, research shows that antisocial personality disorders (including psychopathy) and narcissistic personality disorder are more prevalent in males.

1. Gaslighting and crazymaking

He will deny his behavior and become dismissive and critical towards you for even pointing out anything wrong, hurtful, or inappropriate he said to you. He will ignore any evidence you have (even recorded conversations) by making you feel stupid and crazy. If you point something out to a psychopath such as “when you yell at me I feel hurt” or “when you don’t listen to me I feel like I don’t matter” he will somehow make it your fault for feeling that way. Saying things like “You are too sensitive”, “Learn to take a joke” or “You’re acting crazy and why are you making this into a big deal?”. The psychopath will condition you to believe that the problem isn’t the abuse itself but how you react to his abuse.

2. Complete lack of empathy

A psychopath can’t see things from your perspective and he just doesn’t care about anything you think or feel. He lacks any and all capacity to show affection, empathy, or compassion. If you’re suspecting that he lacks empathy, this in itself is dangerous because he will hurt you over and over without any sense of remorse, guilt, or shame. If you’re sick, he will simply disappear into thin air for that entire duration without any explanation. He will feel appalled when you express upset over him not being there, “how dare you to be upset?” he may say. When you cry, the psychopath will laugh at you, make you feel guilty for crying, or simply ignore you altogether in order to ‘teach’ you to stop communicating your feelings to him. Expressing what hurt you simply annoy him, and gives him ammunition for what buttons to push next time.

3. Hypocrisy

Do as I say, not as I do. A psychopath has high expectations of you that he will be vocal about. You must be loyal, adore him at all times and be respectful towards him. Put into one word, you are expected to be perfect at all times and he decides what perfect means. After the love-bombing phase (Read: 6 Signs You’re Dealing with a Narcissist) he will withdraw the manufactured love he showed at the beginning of your relationship. He will switch into a completely different person which can feel like your entire world turned upside down. He will cheat, lie, manipulate, abuse you and make you feel absolutely worthless and confused. He will coerce you sexually which can feel like rape, he will coerce you mentally, and psychologically while claiming to adhere to moral and ethical principles.

4. Pathological lying

A psychopath will lie on a constant basis, but why? Because he wants to have power over you, make you feel confused and mentally unbalanced. He can do this by creating a past that did not exist such as speaking of exes who treated him horribly to gain your sympathy and trust. He wants you to learn from these manufactured sob stories and behave differently than his “needy, cheating, and crazy” exes. If you ask for details he may say “it’s too upsetting to talk about”. Future faking is another way he will lie to you by making you imagine a future you dreamed of. He has no intentions of fulfilling any of these dreams. You can catch his lies but he will continue until you simply lack the energy to prove him wrong. The psychopath can feel happy being caught because it gives another opportunity to make you feel crazy again. Breaking you down psychologically, mentally, and physically gives him pleasure due to his sadistic nature.

5. Focusing on your mistakes and ignoring his own

Everything will be your fault. A psychopath can call you a bitch, slap you on the face, break your stuff because he hated the dinner, call your children idiots, leave you in the middle of nowhere without money or a phone and fall asleep when you are crying in pain whether emotional or physical. Yes, this is how horrible a psychopath is. But he doesn’t care that his behavior is horrible or sadistic, in fact, he will claim it’s your fault. “If you wouldn’t have acted like such a bitch I would never have slapped you”. “If you weren’t such a bad mother your kids wouldn’t be idiots”. “I don’t know why I did that, but what about what you did?”. “I don’t want to talk about that, you’re making me feel bad and you need to stop your mouthful of lies”.  “I only did that for your own good, now you’ll know better than to serve me a crappy dinner”. You cannot win against a psychopath, he will destroy every argument and opinion by deflecting and hurling insults at you. Psychopaths are manipulative, cruel, callous, and deceitful.

6. You have to explain basic things such as respect, kindness and care

When you have to explain basic things such as kindness and empathy to a grown person, your alarm bells need to ring.
Take the following example; you’re late for work because of him and you ask him to help you find your car keys. He responds with “You are reckless, irresponsible, and scatterbrained!” You end up apologizing to him because part of you believes his logic but that knot in your stomach speaks “he is insane, no normal person would act this way.” Later, as if speaking to a toddler, you explain how a normal person would have behaved this morning. His answer: “You’re the only one to blame for being unable to wake up in time, it’s because you’re a fat lazy cow!” If you’re able to respond after that horrendous abuse, he may only have to give you a terrifying look to gain control over you completely. You end up feeling confused, insulted, scared and drained thinking why is he treating me this way? Why is it so difficult for me to get my point across?  The answer to that is: You can’t get any point across to a psychopath because he just doesn’t care about anything you have to say unless it benefits him. A normal partner would have helped you find your keys, not yelled at you and made you feel terrified and humiliated.

7. The mask of childlike innocence

A psychopath will portray himself with a childlike innocence when it suits him, but don’t be fooled by that part. The childlike innocence is used to gain sympathy and make you feel sorry for him. Behind the mask, there is an insatiable need for power and admiration. He will claim that you are the most special person in his life and that he has never loved anyone as he loves you. Later, you discover that anyone can replace you at any time and that he never saw you as special at all. He will drain your energy, erode your self-confidence and leave once he is done with you. You’ll be left with feelings of abandonment, confusion, heartbreak, longing, rage, despair, grief, love, and hate. A psychopath is capable of things like rape, violating, devaluing, exploiting, lying, killing, or cheating in order to gain power, thrill, and excitement. This is their way of life. They are different than you and me. It is of crucial importance that you don’t try to compare them to yourself because it’s never going to add up.

8. He will accuse you of having feelings he provoked

A psychopath will flirt with an ex or someone else right in front of you to provoke a reaction. Then blame you for being too possessive or jealous. These mind games hurt, confuse and drain your energy but give the psychopath power and some psychopaths derive pleasure from your suffering. He will tell others that you’re suddenly acting ‘hysterical’ and ‘possessive’ to gather sympathy for himself. As horrible as this sounds, this is the actuality of being a psychopath and this is how they are. Remember, if he does this to you, regardless of whether he is a psychopath or not, this is abuse, not love. This behavior isn’t normal. He is someone who is deeply disturbed and is doing things to deliberately hurt you. Leave this person if you can.

9. You have to analyze everything he says and does

You may find yourself scrolling through his Facebook, looking for clues about his previous life, going through texts, wanting to know more about the exes that he spoke of as ‘horror stories’. You don’t trust a word he says so you want to figure out what’s true and what’s not. You may feel like you are going crazy which is a normal thing to feel being involved with a psychopath. You are not crazy, but make no mistake that he is. Thoughts like “Who is this man, really? Is his past really what he claims it to be?” No normal human being will make you feel like you have to analyze every single thing about them. In a normal and genuine relationship, you don’t ever have to ask these questions.

10. You’re the only one who sees his true colors

He always seems to have a Fanclub but he uses them for gains such as money, resources, and attention. How come they never catch him in his lies and deceptions? Well, that’s because he distracts them, with shallow praise and superficial charm. He is way better at maintaining superficial relationships rather than intimate ones. If you’re in an intimate relationship with him you will be a more vulnerable target because he made you fall in love with him. His lies, deceit, and change in behavior will affect you more than anyone in his Fanclub. But you want to know why there is a nagging feeling inside that something isn’t right. Too many things are not adding up, heated fights on the regular ending in passionate sex and many sleepless nights filled with confusion. If this is the case, trust yourself to get out if you can because none of this is normal, this whole cycle is toxic, dangerous, and traumatic. The longer you stay the worse it gets.

11. You fear that the next fight will be your last

Normal couples argue to resolve issues and disagreements but with psychopaths it’s different. When you express opinions, thoughts, and feelings or set boundaries you will get punished. Especially if you’re telling him he did something wrong or hurtful. Punishments such as silent treatment, physical or sexual abuse, name-calling, and making you question your reality is normal for a psychopath. He will manipulate, distract and confuse you until you lose track of the conversation and feel exhausted. He could abandon you (Read: 6 Signs You’re Dealing with a Narcissist). You may end up apologizing to him just out of fear or exhaustion. You may forgive him quickly too even though his apology means nothing. If you can recognize yourself in this, this is not love, this is not normal, this is toxic and dangerous, and staying in it will cause you trauma.

12. Eroding your boundaries slowly but steadily

He criticizes you with a condescending attitude, sometimes claiming it’s a joke and he smirks at you when you try to express yourself or cuts you off by rolling his eyes and saying “Well, here we go again”. Teasing becomes the primary way of communicating, he will belittle your intelligence, ridicule your body, and abilities. If you point it out he may say “you’re too sensitive”, “you’re acting crazy right now” or “I don’t remember saying that so just drop it”. If you naturally begin to feel resentful and upset, you push these feelings aside out of fear of him leaving, hurting you further or withdrawing sex which may be the only sense of connection. Sex with a psychopath will turn ugly and dark for three reasons; number one, because he could derive pleasure from your suffering, number two; he gets bored easily and number three; he wants to gain power over you. He is also an expert at manipulation so if you find yourself engaging in sexual acts in order to please him, this is called sexual coercion and is abusive. You must never do anything sexually that you do not want to do.

13. Withholding attention and undermining your self-esteem

He once showered you with attention, admiration, and manufactured empathy to suddenly act bored with you. He turns aloof, doesn’t have time for you, and feels annoyed when you want to continue the passionate relationship that he created. You feel confused, hurt, and desperate to rekindle the passion that was once there. This is also not normal, for someone to shower you with attention and non-stop communication from the get-go to the sudden death of passion, affection, and connection. He does this because he wants to gain power over you and when you fall for him and feel confused and heartbroken he gains his power from that. To a psychopath’s mind, he won the game and you lost. If you’re with someone who treats you this way, consider leaving this person if you can. Remember, this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

14. He expects you to read his mind

If he stops communicating with you for several days, from messaging you on a minute-to-minute basis, he will blame you for not knowing how stressed he was at work or that he had other plans (which he never told you about). He will always have an excuse that makes him look like the victim and you the nagging or needy partner. This is another one of the psychopath’s mind games. It’s normal to feel confused about his sudden shift from tender and loving to cold, cruel, and distant. He will also make important decisions about your relationship and inform everyone except you.

15. You feel on edge around him but you still want his approval

Making up excuses for a psychopath’s growingly bizarre behaviors is very common for the victim of psychopathic abuse. You may also feel like you are in constant competition with others for his attention and praise. He doesn’t seem to care when you leave his side because you are replaceable to him. Humans to a psychopath is a means to an end. Nothing more, nothing less. The mind games he plays will erode your sense of identity, you don’t recognize yourself any longer. Nevertheless, you will feel addicted to his approval, attention, and any type of manufactured affection he gives. This is because he knows how to pull your strings, this is what he does best, to find people’s vulnerabilities and use them against them. It is an unforgivable act of cruelty.

16. He claims that all his exes were crazy

Any ex-partner or friend who didn’t come crawling back to him will be labeled jealous, bipolar, alcoholic, or some other nasty name. The psychopath will speak of you in the exact same way to his next target.

17. He will provoke jealousy and rivalry

A psychopath loves to create rivalries and provoke suffering in you (and others) while hiding behind the childlike mask. He will focus his attention elsewhere instead of on you because this sudden shift will confuse you and make you question what you mean to him. This is exactly what he wants because he knows what he is doing and derives pleasure from seeing you desperately trying to regain his attention. He could openly flirt with old exes online for everyone to see with old songs, photos and inside jokes. He enjoys creating this unnecessary competition between you and others to feel high on the power it gives him.

18. Idealization, devaluing, and discard

When you first meet, things move extremely fast. He will tell you how much you have in common, and how perfect you are together, he will mirror back to you, your hopes, desires, dreams, and insecurities. This creates a pseudo-intimacy and gets you instantly hooked, attached, and emotionally invested. He seems absolutely fascinated by you on every level and consistently initiates communication on a minute-to-minute basis. Before you know it he confesses his love for you and you follow his lead. He has succeeded because he knows love comes with powerful chemical changes in your body and mind. He will also make sure your body experiences high amounts of sexual pleasure by quickly learning what you desire the most and what turns you on like no one ever will. He does this to strengthen your attachment to him and his power over you. It’s all a game for the psychopath and he wants to win every round. But keep in mind this will quickly turn dark and dangerous because psychopaths get bored and they have no long-term interest in giving you pleasure, some psychopaths even derive pleasure from your pain so before you know it all that pleasure will turn into a nightmare. He will devalue you, criticize your body, withhold sex, and toy with your feelings and your mind. He is only interested in his pleasure and what you can give him. The longer you stay with a psychopath the more clear this will become to you. The only reason he was giving you pleasure was to get you hooked, attached, and addicted to him. Because you will be easier to control and manipulate. The higher the pedestal, the harder you’ll fall and that’s what gives him his power and pleasure. It is truly sickening, the lengths psychopaths (and narcissists) go to hurt and gain power. The end of this cycle of abuse is the discard phase, which means he can leave at any time he feels like, to then come back after years (in some cases) to start the cycle all over again.

19. Compares you to everyone else in his life

He will compare you to ex-lovers, family members, friends, and your eventual replacement. During the idealizing phase, the psychopath will make you feel like the most special person in the world. He will compare how much better you are than all his other relationships, current, and past. Contrary to this, when he begins to devalue you, which is the second phase of the psychopath’s abuse cycle (devaluing phase) he will make the same comparisons to make you feel inferior, jealous and worthless. He may say “you are being extremely needy and acting crazy, just like my ex. You are worse than anyone I’ve ever been with, you’re so worthless”. Being devalued and abused in this way after having been put on a pedestal feels very confusing and heartbreaking because the person you fell in love with has turned into a monster. All you want is for the nightmare to end and for the guy you fell in love with to come back. But he never existed because those traits were manufactured in order to hook you in. He will however treat you nicely every now and then because he wants you to stick around until he is completely done with you. This is how malicious psychopaths are.

20. The qualities he admired about you have now become major faults

At first, he will appeal to your deepest vanities and vulnerabilities observing and mimicking exactly what he thinks you want to hear, but after you’re hooked, he will start to the same information against you. The more you try to prove you are worthy of his love, attention, and approval the more he breaks you down psychologically. You’ll also have a part of yourself that thinks this is all so bizarre and unreal because he was the same person who once told you that you were perfect.

21. Cracks in the mask of the psychopath

There are times when he will show parts of himself that are manipulative, cruel, arrogant, and frightening. I’ve already mentioned several examples above. You’ll start to notice the personality he showed in the idealization phase and the parts that are showing toxic behaviors towards you are polar opposites. If you have questions like “Where did the person I fell in love with go?” or “Did he even exist?” All this is because of the utter heartbreak and confusion the psychopath creates by switching from manufactured loving behavior to cruel, detached, and dangerous. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the psychopath who lacks the basic traits that are required to care about anyone such as empathy, remorse, guilt, and shame. He is aware of what hurts you but just doesn’t care. Your suffering gives him a sense of victory power and entertainment.

22. He gets easily bored

The psychopath is constantly surrounded by other people to be stimulated and praised at all times. He cannot tolerate being alone for an extended period of time. If someone or something doesn’t impact him in a positive or thrilling way, he will quickly lose interest. When you first meet him you may believe him to be charming, exciting, worldly, and intelligent. You may view yourself as inferior for preferring quiet time, simplicity, and consistency in life. You are however not inferior, you are normal and healthy. The reason a psychopath seeks thrill, excitement, and people around him at all times is that he is completely dependent on others to get his needs met like a child is to his/her caregivers. And he derives power and entertainment from breaking other people down financially, mentally, emotionally, and psychologically. That is why you are normal and the psychopath isn’t. If he doesn’t win the games he plays, if he doesn’t get the power and control that he needs, he feels bored and he can’t stand boredom.

23. Triangulation

He will surround himself with former lovers, potential mates, and anyone else that provides him with added attention, admiration, and thrill. This includes the people he has previously denounced and declared you to be superior to. Of course, this will create confusion in you but remember that’s exactly what he wants because he thrives on the drama and confusion that causes you. He wants to create the perception of himself as being in high demand at all times.

24. Covert abuse

You probably know that physical violence is abusive and I’m sure you can also identify blatant verbal insults. With a psychopath, the abuse can be harder to spot. Sometimes you may not know that you were in an abusive relationship until long after the relationship is over. He will use personalized idealization by showering you with attention and admiration in order to find out what makes you tick, and what your weaknesses and vulnerabilities are so that he can use them against you. He will make you feel like the most special person on earth because he wants you to share your deepest desires with him. He wants to control and gain power over you because he loves it. His covert abuse will be eroding your identity a tiny bit at a time. Degrading comments about your body and appearance, lying to you, and confusing you are examples of covert abuse. He will also play mind games by hiding your keys to place them right back where you left them to make you feel like you’ve gone crazy. During an argument he will drain your emotional energy until you feel so exhausted you can barely think. He will be absolutely unbothered by this, and nothing ever gets resolved. He will use sex as a tool to control you and end arguments, toying with your feelings and using pleasure as a tool to get you addicted to him.

25. Playing the victim

He will make up excuses for his abuse by blaming his “abusive” ex or parents. Even if his parents were abusive towards him, it doesn’t give him the right to abuse you or anyone else. As an adult, he is responsible for his actions. You may also have been abused as a child but you didn’t turn into an abuser or a psychopath. The psychopath will make up sob stories of why he behaves in the most bizarre ways and make the story sound as if he is the actual victim, not you or whomever else he has abused badly. You can feel absolutely stunned when you hear yet another lie such as “if you would have listened to me I would never have thrown you out”. He may have thrown you out of the house in the middle of the night by throwing you physically out of the house with your belongings because he did not get his way. No matter how humiliated, shocked and terrified you felt he will make it sound as if you abused him, and he was the actual victim. This is how twisted the psychopath’s mind games are.

26. The cruel and tender cycle of abuse

Sometimes he will shower you with attention, other times he will ignore and criticize you. He will treat you differently in public than he will behind closed doors. He will talk about marriage one day only to want a breakup the next day. You never know where you stand with a psychopath. He will put as much or as little effort as necessary and step it up a notch when he notices you disengaging or wanting to back away from him.

27. He becomes your entire life

You spend time thinking about him or being with him and his friends than spending time on your own or with your loved ones. He has taken over your life, all you ever talk or think about is him. You isolate yourself, cancel plans in order to be available for him, and wait eagerly wait by the phone for his next communication. Somehow, your relationship with him seems to involve a lot of sacrifices on your end but very few on his.

28. He is arrogant

Despite the humble and innocent part he presented in the early stages you will start to notice an unmistakable superiority about him. He will talk down to you as if you are intellectually deficient and emotionally unstable. He will shamelessly flaunt new targets after the breakup in order to make you feel jealous, hurt, and worthless in his eyes.

29. Gossiping

He will whisper lies in other people’s ears, idealizing them to their faces only to taunt and criticize them behind their backs. You find yourself resenting or hating people he talks about, people you have never met. You may even feel special that he chooses to complain to you about others. But once he discards you (leaves), he will run back to the same people he claimed to hate, only to complain to them about you.

30. You feel overwhelming panic and anxiety

You end up apologizing and crying more than you ever have before. Feelings of panic, anxiety, and fear take over your life when you are involved with a psychopath. You feel on edge all the time, barely sleeping, and even when you manage to sleep you wake up anxious and stressed. You wonder what happened to your fun, relaxed and easygoing self. After or during a relationship with a psychopath you feel like you’ve gone insane. You feel exhausted, drained, shocked, and empty. You may tear apart your entire life, spending money, ending friendships, and searching for some sort of reason behind it all.

If you notice that you’re dealing with any of many of these toxic and dangerous behaviors in any of your relationships you must find a way to get out and find safety if this is possible for you. I want you to know that I feel compassion toward you and understand how confused you must feel. It doesn’t matter what diagnosis a person has, if something led you to read this article that is enough for you to know that something is terribly wrong in your relationship. You are being abused even if you can relate to one out of these 30 red flags. Please hear my words, how he/she treats you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with that person. People who have empathy, and compassion, and feel guilt, shame, and remorse, do not raise any of these flags. People who know how to truly love will never hurt you in any of these ways, they will never make you feel drained, and confused and erode your sense of identity.

Trauma therapy can help you to begin healing from psychopathic abuse. IFS (Internal Family Systems Therapy) is an evidence-based treatment for trauma and works with different parts within you. In IFS treatment you are guided to listen to all the parts within you and help them get the resolve they are looking for. These are usually younger parts of you who need to be released of the burdens they carry due to the trauma caused by this type of abuse and early childhood trauma.

IFS therapy can help you whether you’re currently in an abusive relationship or struggling to heal after leaving one. If you would like to work with me you can do so from any corner of the world, since I offer online therapy. Feel free to contact me at www.khanselma.com/contact. I always answer all my emails within 24 hours.

Do you know someone who can benefit from reading this article? Share it with them.

With love,

Selma

The post 30 Signs You’re Dealing With a Psychopath appeared first on Selma Khan.

One part of you want to leave, another, stay. This inner conflict usually stems from the abusers confusing behavior, shifting from cruel to tender. You find yourself making excuses for their behaviors no matter how many times you get hurt. One of the reasons for trauma bonding is the attempt of resolving your childhood traumas through the destructive relationship. You try to get the abuser to change and love you even though they show little or no capacity for healthy love. In this article, I’ll help you understand the signs of trauma bonded relationships and give you some tools to begin breaking this destructive bond.

I’m using “he” for simplicity’s sake but the abuser can very well be a “she”.

1. But he is so good to me at times I don’t think he is abusive (cognitive dissonance)

If you find yourself making excuses for his abusive behaviors (which is common to do) you are trauma bonded. In order to live with a person who alternates between cruel and tender, you must find a way to make sense of it. When he is cruel you feel hurt and scared. In order to deal with the pain, your brain makes up a story about his behavior. That can go something like “he didn’t mean it”, “she is just stressed out”, “I must have triggered him”, “She only gets like that when she drinks”, “tomorrow it will be better”, “It’s not that bad, many have it worse”, “If I stop triggering him he will stop abusing me” etc. This is what’s called cognitive dissonance. 

This behavior usually stems from childhood because as a child you can’t escape your parent’s mistreatment. In order to survive, you make up a story about your parent’s behavior shifting from abusive to tender. Cognitive dissonance is therefore a survival mechanism and was effective to you as a child. As an adult, however, it does not serve you the same way. Because you are no longer a child who is helpless and cannot survive without your parents or a caregiver. You are now an adult who is capable of surviving on your own but in trauma bonded relationships the thinking process is usually driven by the child within you, not the adult. Which is one of the reasons it is so difficult to leave the abuser.

So if you notice yourself making excuses for the abuser’s behaviors no matter how many times you get hurt you are trauma bonded to this person. It works much like an addiction where you feel as if you cannot live without this person. 

Insight: No matter how good he is to you at times or how successful in his career, handsome, or whatever perks he is offering, the damage he does to you emotionally and/or physically cannot be overlooked, erased, or minimized.

2. He makes promises he doesn’t intend to keep

If you’ve heard “I’ll stop smoking when we get kids I promise”, “I will change I promise”, “I’ll do anything please just don’t leave me”, “I’ll go to therapy and I’ll be different I swear”, among other promises that never come true, this is common in trauma bonded relationships. The abuser promises you things in the future that he never intends to keep. He will paint a future that will never exist because he has no intentions of making that future a reality. He takes no action on his promises. Fake promises are a way for him to gain back control over you, by convincing you to stay in the relationship, making you stop asking for something you need, or to avoid talking about a serious topic. 

The abuser wants to make you believe that things will get better one day in the future. This way he doesn’t have to take responsibility for the present or the past. He uses pretty words to get out of a sticky situation. It can be “I’ll call you later” or “We’ll have this discussion next week I promise”, yet none of that ever happens. If this is something you experience often in your relationship, beware! This is also a sign of trauma bonding. Think of it this way – trauma bonding means you’re attached to someone who keeps hurting you in different ways. Breaking promises is a form of betrayal, especially when it happens over and over again. 

Insight: Try not to fall into the trap of making excuses again for his behaviors such as “he must be tired”, “he will have the conversation later, he must have forgotten”, “he must be telling the truth, why would he lie about that”. The narcissist especially uses this tactic to make you live in a fantasy world while they get the control they want over you again. A narcissist, especially, will do anything to gain control at any cost. Narcissist or not, this is toxic, manipulative, and deceitful behavior and does not belong in healthy love.

3. Arguments about same topics without resolve

In trauma bonds, the abuser has no intention, willingness, or understanding to solve the problems you face which is why you end up fighting about the same topics. He’ll tell you “You’re making a big deal out of nothing” or “You’re being too sensitive” or “too difficult about everything”. He’ll use put-downs, acting as the expert, minimize you, confuse you until you feel disoriented in the middle of the conversation. You’re left wondering how this turned into a full-blown attack when you wanted to discuss and resolve a simple concern with him.

If he can’t get you to stop discussing a topic he will use verbal or even physical abuse to make you stop. It’s common for him to bring up irrelevant things from the past just to hurt you. He’ll use topics that are vulnerable to you to get a one-upmanship. This is the dark power of the toxic person. He isn’t interested in resolving anything, he’s interested in controlling you and winning at all costs. He doesn’t see you as a teammate, he sees you as a person who is trying to make him look bad.

He can also avoid topics completely and apologize only to repeat mistakes. He’s rigid in the way he does things, in the way he behaves and thinks. He isn’t interested in changing, he’s interested in making you change so he can feel good about himself. If you don’t change, he’ll most likely leave you because in his mind you seem too difficult to control! 

If you are trauma bonded you’ll notice that he shows little to no emotional maturity. No capacity to self-reflect, understand and empathize with others (especially if he is a narcissist). He also usually has a low sense of self-worth. A toxic person’s self-worth usually comes from external validation. So he’s emotionally fragile and cannot handle the simplest conversation. He’ll take a concern, feeling or need you to share as an outright insult, criticism or a personal attack. Instead of trying to understand you, he translates you sharing a concern as you telling him how incapable and inadequate he is. This can easily turn into a rage fit and out of proportion black or white type of behaviors that are extreme and unhealthy. It can leave you thinking “what the hell did I say?”. 

Insight: Remember, don’t blame yourself for anyone’s abusive, irrational behaviors. Nothing excuses abusive behavior! It is not normal or healthy to start abusing, yelling, or get overly defensive when you are trying to communicate a concern with him. It is his responsibility for acting the way he does, not yours. 

4. I know my relationship is unhealthy but I can’t leave

Another sign you are trauma bonded is if you’re questioning yourself despite seeing little or no change in him. Your question can sound like “what if I’m wrong?”. He may have hurt you more times than you can count and you are fed up with it but still, you feel the doubt every time you think of leaving. You may even panic at the thought of separating from him, even if you are convinced that he is bad news. All of this is common when you are trauma bonded. You may have been in an abusive relationship for years and now you’re starting to see the signs of abuse, betrayal, fake promises and a constant sense of being on edge. 

Whether you feel panic over the thought of leaving him or doubtful – living with abuse and toxicity for long can make you become desensitized to it, which means it almost feels normal. Justification, confusion, doubt, and an obsessive focus on the relationship and all its drama keep you distracted (from yourself) and hooked onto him. It’s like an addiction. This also gives you a lot of stress which could be something you’re used to since childhood. This can also be addictive and you may unconsciously seek out stressful relationships, environments, and even movies/series that give you similar “stress fixes”.

The more you focus on him or the relationship, the less you focus on yourself, your body, your mind, and your inner turmoil. You don’t have the time nor energy to do that because he drains your energy. It is difficult for you to break a trauma bond when you barely feel like you have a moment to breathe. It is also difficult to break this bond because you love him, hate him and feel addicted to him all at the same time. This can feel very overwhelming for anyone! 

Toxic people keep you on edge, making you question every thought, every move and every action of theirs. If you’re used to being “the rescuer” or “problem solver” as a child, staying in the relationship trying to fix the unfixable can seem like the normal option. 

Insight: There are other options! Leaving is absolutely one of them but in order to break this strong and addictive bond, it is crucial that you begin therapy and heal your childhood wounds and traumas.

Exercise: If you feel ready, write down the things that have happened in your relationship. What are some of the worst things he has done or said? How has it affected your life? What has he taken from you or what pain has he caused you? This handwriting exercise can help you get insight, awareness, realizations, and a chance to release some of the pent-up emotions and energy in your body.

Next time he yells, acts outrageously, try to only observe what happens in your body. This will help you see the profound responses your body has towards his abuse. Are you clenching your jaw? Lifting your shoulders? Freezing where you stand? Not breathing? How do you think this affects your body, mind, and spirit in the long run?

5. Not able to share your feelings or needs

If you feel scared to share your feelings in a relationship you may be in a trauma bonded relationship. This fear is usually caused because you don’t know how they’ll react to your feelings, concerns and needs. Will you be screamed at? Will he give you the silent treatment? Will he tell you what a horrible person you are and that you only complain all the time? In a trauma bonded relationship it is never clear how the toxic person will react to your needs and feelings. There is hot and cold treatment, depending on his mood. His reactions are unpredictable and you feel on edge as if anything you say can be used against you. You may also feel scared that he may abandon you if you share how you really feel.

Ironically, he already has abandoned you if you cannot speak up about your feelings. If you feel scared, on edge, not cared for, abused he has already abandoned you. In order to not lose him, you neglect your feelings, needs, and wants. This is unhealthy because your belief says that in order to be loved you must lose yourself, not have any needs and sacrifice your own happiness and peace for love. But this isn’t healthy love. Healthy love welcomes expression and is nonjudgemental. In a healthy love relationship, you will feel that there is space for your needs, concerns, and wants. Healthy love also includes consistent care, support, affection, acknowledgment, praise, encouragement, feeling seen and heard, important and validated. Healthy love includes trust and does not include betrayal (especially not repeated betrayal).

Insight: By now you must be understanding that there is more going on deeper within you than what the surface shows. This is why I will invite you to think about the following. You may be holding on to the relationship by neglecting yourself, but ask yourself, what are you really holding on to? If you logically understand that he isn’t giving you healthy love, why do you think you’re really staying? Are you in a relationship with “a man of your dreams” or the man you see in front of you? Writing answers to these questions can give you a lot of healthy insights, realizations and help you understand yourself and this relationship.

6. Obsessing over a person who has hurt you but is now gone

Another sign of trauma bonding is when you obsess over a person that hurt you badly but is no longer in your life. This can feel like torture and inner turmoil and can last for years in some cases. This can include thinking of and daydreaming about that person, questioning what actually happened in the relationships and feel resentment mixed with loving emotions toward that same person. You may feel like you’re stuck in the past even if you may be married today with kids. It’s important to understand that this has to do with your unresolved childhood traumas and attachment wounds related to your caregivers. This means it has very little to do with the “magical” connection you experienced with the person you had a relationship with and more to do with the damaged attachment you experienced as a child with your parents. The obsession over this one person stems from the child in you, wishing that person could have provided you with what you needed in order for you to feel complete, whole and loved.

If that person left without reason or even with reason, the wounds you were already carrying before you met this person will get triggered. If you perhaps felt that you were going to die without them or even had severe physical symptoms when they left this is one of the core symptoms of attachment wounds from your relationship with your parents. The way to get out of the obsessive state of mind is to undergo trauma therapy and resolve these childhood traumas and attachment wounds. Allowing grief, loneliness and other painful emotions to surface. The way out of the unbearable obsession, overthinking, constantly missing someone and daydreaming is to allow your pain to be felt. Allow your heart to break and allow the tears to come. This is what healing is partly about, getting real about your inner state, however scary it may feel, expressing your pain is how you will begin to set yourself free from trauma bonds, obsessive relationships and constant betrayals.

Insight: If you have heard most of your friends or family say “just get over it now, it’s been over for years, you have to move on” I can understand how frustrating, painful and even shameful that may feel to you. I won’t say that to you. I will however ask you this; What was it about this person that made you “go crazy” for them? Write it down. Every detail. What was good and bad about him? How did you feel around him? What was missing? What parts of you did he help to bring out? What were the conditions you had to fulfill in order to be with him or gain his love? If you do this same exercise and exchange him with one of your caregivers what do you notice?

7. If I make him see how toxic his behavior is, I can rescue him and our relationship

Another sign of a trauma-bonded relationship is when you try to change the abuser by making him realize his abusive behaviors. The belief is “if I can make him understand and see what he is doing, he’ll change.” You feel empathy for his difficult past and want to help him. You convince yourself that he is a good person and all he needs in order to change is a nudge in the right direction. Wanting to “rescue” him from himself only becomes worsened with his stories of how other women treated him badly and used him for their own gains. He may tell you that he was kind, giving and generous in all his relationships but he found women who were greedy and selfish. Or that he was the bad guy in his previous relationships, but if you ask him what he did about his “bad ways” he will have nothing to back it up with. He’ll likely say “I’ve learned from my mistakes now” or “I was immature and young back then but now I know better”. He could’ve told you that you’re different and understand him like no one else. When he treats you horribly he’ll apologize and say “I swear I’ll never do it again” or “Don’t do that again and I won’t yell at you” or “If you just stop arguing with me I’ll never beat you again”.

Insight: You can try to rescue him but it won’t work because it isn’t your job and you cannot rescue anyone who does not want to rescue themselves. It is NOT your responsibility to rescue him. It is however your responsibility to rescue yourself by healing your past traumas which are keeping you stuck in trauma bonds. If you focus your energy on his problems, behaviors and difficult childhood you create an excuse to not look at your own wounds, childhood, past pain and behaviors. This is another indicator that the one who needs your attention, healing and focus is you. Ask yourself: If I didn’t focus on the relationship and him, where would my energy go? What would I do with my life? What could I do instead?

_________________________________________________________________________________________

If you can relate to any of these points you may be trauma bonded and therapy is usually a necessary step in order to begin healing. One of these therapies is the evidence-based treatment method IFS (Internal Family Systems Therapy). IFS works with different parts within you, in trauma bonded relationships you usually find one part that wants to stay in the relationship and one that wants to leave. In IFS treatment you are guided to listen to these parts within you and help them get the resolve they are looking for. These are usually the younger parts of you who need to be released of the burdens they carry due to childhood trauma. IFS will help you resolve your childhood traumas, release stuck energy from your body, and give your body and mind long-awaited relief. IFS also helps you to finally put the past in the past and gives you a real chance of living in the present and being more at ease with your body and mind. IFS also helps to ease the addictive and obsessive patterns your brain can easily fall into, in trauma-bonded relationships. 

I can help you begin your healing journey and would love to work with you. If you would like to work with me you can do so from any corner of the world, since I offer online therapy. Feel free to contact me at www.khanselma.com/contact. I always answer all my emails within 24 hours.

Do you know someone who can benefit from reading this article? Share it with them.

With love,

Selma

The post Are you tired of hurting in your relationship? 7 signs you may be trauma bonded appeared first on Selma Khan.