Loneliness is when you realize that you don’t have enough people or friends around you or the few people that you have, you don’t have much in common with, let alone any meaningful relationship with. It’s when you feel excluded from a group, unloved by others around you and when you’re unable to share your concerns.

Did you know that loneliness increases the risk for high blood pressure and heart disease?

Findings about loneliness according to research in social psychology shows that if you have low self-esteem you’re more vulnerable to loneliness, depression, anxiety and even eating disorders.

Researcher Jenny de Jong-Gierveld (1987) speculated that, the emphasis on individual fulfillment and that many no longer value marriage and family life, may be a cause of loneliness and depression in today’s modern world.

But you can feel alone even though you’re with someone, at a party, with friends and even with family. Clinical psychologist Mary Pipher describes it as “There are crowds but no community.”

Why is it hard to find real friends and meaningful relationships?

• You want great friendships, but don’t like to share and be vulnerable, in fear of getting hurt
  Everyone wants great friendships but not many people like to trust others or open up and be vulnerable to others. Problem with that is, if you’re not willing to trust and open up, you cannot create connections. Yes, you will get hurt by others along the way but that is also the only way to find healthy, long and lasting friendships.
• We only want to open up when the other does it first in order to feel “safe”.
  When we close our hearts and say to ourselves “I’m only going to open up when they open up” you shut down any possibility for connection. Or for that matter saying, “I’m just going to call or message if they do it first”. Be the one who’s brave enough first, calls first and initiates a friendly meeting. It’s ok if they don’t respond the way you hope every time but you will find someone who does eventually.
• Lack of empathy, compassion and understanding kills all possibilities for connection.
  If your friend shares something difficult or shows a vulnerable side of themselves to you, show them that you appreciate them for opening up to you. Be kind, try to understand where they are coming from and make sure they know you are there for them and that you care about what they are going through and their feelings. This increases trusts and builds strong connections. Also, don’t sit on your phone when you’re with friends, give them your full attention to show them how much you care and value the time you spend together.
• Low or zero tolerance for different opinions.
  When me and Fareem (my husband) lived in Dubai, we shared an apartment with a wonderful family. I became really close friends with one of the family members. I’ll call her Claire to make it easy. But Claire and I had radically different opinions and ways of thinking in areas of religion, lifestyle and other quite sensitive topics. But we managed to love and accept each other despite our differences in opinions. How did we do that? We focused on what mattered the most. When I was sad about something I still remember how she gave me a hug, listened to me and understood and acknowledged my pain. When we had good news we both got super excited for each other and showed it by maybe cooking something nice and sharing a meal together. So, if you find yourself stuck in a conversation with someone where they have a radically different point of view than you have, can you be more tolerant of your differences and look beyond that? Being kind, agreeing to disagree, NOT fighting about who’s right or wrong will build connection instead of resentment.

So how do you open up. What do you share?

• Most people like to talk about themselves so be interested. Asking questions and sharing goes hand in hand. You can ask a question, like “What type of friendship are you looking for?” followed by telling them what type of friendship you are most interested in. Is it a party friend you’re looking for? A gym buddy? A friend who you can talk to? Try to tell them about it, be honest and brave.

• You can talk about your most important values in life, like love, family, honesty and why you think these are important, and then you can ask what they find important in their lives. If the person says “Money is the most important thing for me” or “My work always comes first to me”, that will tell you a lot about them and you get an understanding of whether or not you’d be a good match in friendship. If you value family and relationships and they value money, it might not be the best match for you.

• Beliefs. You can share your beliefs and say “I believe true friendship is hard to find but possible” or “I believe one should be able to feel safe with a close friend”, “I believe one should strive to be authentic in relationship and not try to be someone they’re not”. These things can spark up conversations very easily.

• Lifestyle. This is more casual but can also tell a lot about a person. Do they drink, smoke, like to party or rather sit home on a Friday night and watch a movie or read a book? Talking about lifestyle can tell you about what you have in common and what you don’t.

How do you tackle loneliness and getting yourself out there?

• Identifying the critical people in your life. You’re probably socially skilled already but may think you’re not because people have been criticizing you or told you otherwise. I’ve been criticized about almost everything including my social skills, looks, behavior, thinking etc. My criticism came from my family. So I knew who they were. Now you need to ask yourself, where have you gotten the ideas that you are not socially skilled, funny, cool (fill in the blank) enough to have a relationship or get people to like you? Remember that…….(Here’s an earlier article of mine that could help you identify toxic people in your life).
• Not everyone in the world thinks of you the way you do. People who say nasty things to you is their opinion about you, that’s what they think about you, NOT EVERYONE IN THE REST OF THE WORLD. Funny thing is, you can’t even know for sure if they actually think that way, what if they are only jelous of you? Or maybe they feel so damn crappy about their own lives, they can’t seem to say anything nice about anyone? Point is, you can’t know for sure so don’t jump to conclusions about your own abilities based on other peoples words.Does this make sense? I hope it does.
• Meet more people. Instead of listening to people who seem to only bring you down, look around, meet new people and see for yourself how many people there is out there who will love you, accept you and think you’re awesome. Here is a great website for meeting new people I still use it, www.meetup.com. If you’re a woman living in Sweden this app is highly recommend, Gofriendly. When you meet enough new people you will find that every single criticism that you’ve gotten is slowly but steadily being proved wrong. Because there is always going to be people who will connect with you, have things in common with you, like you, praise you and want to be around you. Because we are all different and because we all have different opinions about everyone. You and I are no different. So use this fact for your benefit.
• Training your social skills. This can be a great way of starting to gain some confidence out there when meeting new people or when you’re out with friends. I would recommend this really cool video that talk about communication skills and social skills, very practical information.

What’s most important is to be yourself, trust that you will find people who will accept you for who you are and want to be friends with you. Don’t give up!

Here are some questions that you may want to ask to get to know a person and start a conversation,

• What are your interests?
• What are you passionate about?
• What do you like to do for fun?
• Do you have any favorite foods?’
• If you won the lottery what would you do with the money?
• What would your favorite holiday look like?
• Do you have pets?
• When you were a kid, what did you want to do for a living?

If you are interested in coaching with me I would be happy to guide you personally in how you can make more friends. I also focus on healing emotional traumas and other psychological problems. Just click on this link to learn more about coaching with me https://khanselma.com/coaching.

Or send me a message, https://khanselma.com/contact/ to book a session directly.

With love,

/Selma

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