What does misogynistic mean? In Dr. Susan Forward’s book “Men Who Hate Women and Women Who Love Them,” she defines a misogynist as someone who deeply dislikes and distrusts women. According to Dr. Forward, misogynists feel entitled and lack empathy toward women.

They believe they are superior to women and treat them in disrespectful or oppressive ways. In relationships, they seek to control and dominate women.

Now, let’s explore the signs, based on Dr. Forward’s book, that indicates you’re dealing with a misogynist.

1. Intense Romance, Intense Danger

A relationship with a misogynist can begin as a passionate romance. You meet a man who appears deeply infatuated with you right from the start. He takes you out, calls you frequently, and seems completely captivated by you. He sees no flaws in you and craves your presence endlessly. His desire is to have you all to himself, and you can’t help but feel the same way. You become entranced by his charm, intensity, and unwavering commitment to be with you and only you. He makes you feel special like no one ever has before.

Everyone loves romance, and the intensity can be overwhelming but thrilling at the same time. The initial stage of a misogynistic relationship can affect you like a euphoric drug, in fact, your body is producing a huge amount of chemicals the feeling of being on top of the world. The illusion is, you will feel like this forever. There is a feeling of danger in an intense romantic courtship, which can add to the excitement. The thrill lies in not knowing what could happen if you continue at the highest speed. Whirlwind romances can be compared to racing, the adrenaline racers experience is high and so is the intensity. But the risk is equally high. Misogynistic relationships usually move quickly and once the sexual element is added, feelings grow stronger. The danger is that you skip the important phase of slowly getting to know another person as an individual. You meet and you instantly become “we” but in order for you to know who you are bonding with, you must know him as an individual. He is hoping you won’t have time to think about who he is as an individual so he bonds with you as quickly as possible and his illusion is that you will be the woman who will fulfil his every need without fail, at all times. These things combined are a recipe for disaster.

2. Bonding too quickly

It takes a long time to really understand yourself, and you’re still in the process of getting to know who you are. Think about a close friendship you have and how much time it took to develop that bond. So, falling in love with a man you’ve only known for a few weeks or months means you’re falling in love with the idea of who you think he is, not who he truly is. You’re only seeing the parts of him that he shows you right now, but it’s not the complete picture. To really know who he is, you need time to see how he consistently treats you over months and years. Building trust, respect, communication, and understanding takes time and effort. You can’t rush into a deep emotional connection, no matter how much you want it. Being physically intimate with someone and having strong feelings for them isn’t the same as having a truly close emotional connection. When you get attached too quickly, you tend to overlook qualities in him that would be deal breakers if you weren’t caught up in your emotions and sexual attraction. Your focus becomes “He makes me feel good, so he must be good and amazing.” The strong chemistry you feel with him might be exciting, but it doesn’t necessarily reflect his true character. If you’re only focused on his looks, the places he takes you, how much money he makes, how he makes you laugh, or how he dresses, those aren’t the qualities that make a healthy, long-lasting relationship.

3. Panic and desperation

Bonding too quickly isn’t just about intense feelings, attraction, and falling in love. There’s a sense of underlying panic and desperation to merge and become one, which means losing your individuality and sense of self. You start feeling each other’s emotions and mood shifts. You tend to neglect your work, friends, and other activities that used to matter to you. Most of your energy goes into the relationship, and even though a part of you may sense that things are moving too fast and tell you to slow down, the desperate part of you that wants to merge with him as quickly as possible takes over your common sense. To build a healthy relationship, you must be present in it. If you lose your sense of self, you’re losing who you are. So, ask yourself, what part of you is entering the relationship? In relationships where things move too fast and you feel like you’re losing yourself, it’s often younger parts of yourself that tend to take over your rational thinking. These younger parts of you might feel attached to parts of him, while your mature adult self takes a backseat. If your adult self isn’t in control when entering a relationship, there will be disaster ahead. Why? Because you won’t have the clarity needed to see who he really is.

If you would like to try one free session of online trauma therapy with me to see if we are the right fit, send me a message at www.khanselma.com/contact.  I personally answer all my emails within 24 hours.

4. Rescuing

Many misogynists reveal their dark sides after the honeymoon stage. He may display frequent anger outbursts, abusive behaviour, difficulty maintaining a job, and a pattern of personal and professional instability. He might also struggle with alcohol or drug abuse. You try talking to him about your valid concerns and he convinces you that these problems aren’t significant and that he can fix everything in due time. He tells you that you are the reason he feels positive about his future because you will help him get there. He can be very charming and persuasive, making future promises of how things will change soon. Part of you is still not convinced but the intense feelings of sexual chemistry, infatuation, and instant emotional connection cloud your judgment.

Then there is a part of you that wants to rescue him, to transform him into the man you believe he is underneath. You might try to rescue him by lending him large sums of money or letting him move in with you because he needs a place to stay. You may offer to support him financially until he finds a job or pays for his therapy, hoping it will bring about change. You might even agree to engage in sexual acts that make you uncomfortable, hoping he will appreciate your compliance and meet all his needs.

If you recognize yourself, it is crucial to seek help. Continuing down this path puts you at a high risk of falling into depression and experiencing other mental health issues. It also jeopardizes your financial stability. While he may appreciate you in the beginning, it doesn’t last in a misogynistic relationship. Rescuing another adult is not healthy, nor is it your responsibility. The only person who can change himself is him. It’s important to understand the distinction between helping and rescuing. Helping means temporarily assisting someone during a challenging period when they have a track record of stability in both their personal and professional lives. Rescuing, on the other hand, arises from a belief that he cannot make it without your help and a desperate need to offer him everything you have to make him feel better. Rescuing creates dependency, while helping promotes autonomy. If he expects you to rescue him, he is not ready for a relationship. Relationships require two independent adults who can stand on their own feet. A man who claims he needs you to rescue him is seeking a parental figure, not an equal partner.

5. He Becomes Obsessive, Controlling, and Demeaning

After the initial phase of the relationship, you’ll start noticing some of the toxic behaviours from the misogynist. He may tell you something as shocking as, “I’m still married but am in the process of getting a divorce.” He may suddenly become disrespectful, yelling at you or giving you silent treatment for no reason. I know this is highly confusing, and of course, you’ll wonder why he’s acting in this odd way. Let me share Cindy’s story because it will help you see how toxic behaviour starts creeping up in a misogynistic relationship.

Cindy fell deeply in love with Rick, and they were engaged within months of dating. Rick acted like a gentleman from the start, calling Cindy often, taking her out on dates, opening doors, meeting her parents, and charming all of her friends. He promised to take care of her forever and told her she was the woman of his dreams. All he wanted, he said, was to be with her, support her dreams and aspirations, provide for her, and show her the consistency of love and loyalty other men had failed to show her. Cindy was sold and thought she had finally met her prince charming.

However, when Rick started showing his dark sides, Cindy was shocked, confused, and terrified. One day, during a date at a restaurant, everything felt wonderful as usual when suddenly, in the middle of a conversation, Rick told her to shut up. At first, Cindy felt a pit in her stomach, and she almost stopped breathing for a while. Then she asked him why he spoke to her like that, and to her further surprise, he blamed her for not listening to him. Cindy tried thinking back to the conversation and wondered if she had, in fact, not listened to him, but she just couldn’t see it. She thought, even if she didn’t listen to him, his reaction is unacceptable and made her feel scared.

Cindy expressed her fear to Rick and told him that she doesn’t want him to speak to her like this again. He quickly apologized, blaming it on stress, and promised it wouldn’t happen again. However, Rick did repeat his hurtful behaviour. He began to criticize and belittle Cindy’s friends and family, discouraging her from spending time with them. Over time, he also started checking Cindy’s phone and showing up unannounced at her workplace. Rick frequently called Cindy “a lazy bitch” when he was upset, or he mocked her by telling her she looked ridiculous and had no sense of style. He attacked her intelligence and abilities, constantly reminding her that she was not who he thought she was whenever she failed to fulfil his every need.

As a result, Cindy started giving up various aspects of her life because this happened slowly over a long period of time. Every time her logic urged her to leave him, Rick would apologize profusely for his hurtful behaviour, expressing remorse, and promising to change. He made grand promises of a better future together, claiming he would seek therapy and make efforts to improve. However, he never followed through on any of his promises. His apologies were followed by passionate lovemaking, creating confusion for Cindy about who he really is and what she should focus on. This twisted gameplay is commonplace for a misogynistic man, and it kept Cindy trapped in a cycle of never-ending abuse.

6. You rationalize his toxic behaviours

The image he presented of himself and this newfound side of him simply doesn’t add up, no matter how you try to piece it all together. It leads you to question yourself: Is it me? Did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong? No one would act this bizarre unless there was a clear reason for it, I mean after all, he has been so incredibly sweet, kind, and loving up until now so it must be me. If you discover he is married, you might even blame yourself for not creating an environment where he felt safe enough to share the truth.

As his toxic behaviours become more frequent, the risk of continuously justifying his actions to maintain the relationship becomes even higher. Seeing him for who he truly is can be incredibly painful and overwhelming to confront, not to mention the fear many women have of being alone. It can almost feel easier to stay in the relationship and continue rationalizing all the toxic behaviour than to leave.

If you frequently find yourself making excuses by thinking “he only did it because (fill in the blank)” for instances like violent outbursts, physical violence, devaluing comments, or anything else that makes you feel unsafe and scared, you’re attempting to make sense of the misogynist’s abusive behaviour. There’s only one explanation for why he behaves the way he does: It’s because he is abusive!

If you would like to try one free session of online trauma therapy with me to see if we are the right fit, send me a message at www.khanselma.com/contact.  I personally answer all my emails within 24 hours.

7. He lacks remorse for his behaviour and does not make any genuine effort to change; instead, he offers empty promises.

In the world of the misogynistic man, he doesn’t feel sorry for his bad actions. He believes he has the right to control and mistreat you, no matter how mean or hurtful it may be. It’s like he thinks you deserve to be punished for not meeting his every demand. Even if he notices that you’re scared or upset, and you threaten to leave, he’ll say whatever he thinks will make you stay. He might say things like, “I’m sorry, I promise I won’t yell again. I’ll go to therapy, do whatever you want, just please don’t go. I love you.” But don’t be fooled, these are just empty words. He doesn’t really plan on changing because he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. He still believes it’s your fault he treats you badly.

And here’s the truth: without feeling sorry, the misogynistic man won’t change. Even if he does feel sorry at the moment, his bad behaviours are deeply rooted in who he is. He’ll quickly return to his entitled, arrogant, and uncaring ways if you don’t constantly please him. Remember, he won’t act like a responsible adult but more like a spoiled child. But he’s not a child—he’s a grown man, and it’s his responsibility to learn how to be an adult. You aren’t here to help him grow up, fix his problems, rescue him from his darkness, or mother him into being a decent person. His promises to change are shallow and won’t last.

8. The Rollercoaster of Confusion: Shifting from Cruel to Tender

One moment he’s charming, and the next he turns into a complete monster. It’s like a rollercoaster ride, not knowing what to expect each day. Sometimes he infuriates you so much that you’re ready to leave, but then he switches back to being the most loving and charming man you’ve ever known. It’s confusing. You start thinking, maybe the man I fell for is still there, he just has these moments of losing control. You try to find ways to avoid triggering his anger, hoping to prolong the “sweet man state.” This becomes your life now. When he’s sweet and loving, you feel happy and safe, but deep down, there’s always that underlying fear. You know it won’t last, so you live with a constant mix of anxiety, fear, and fleeting happiness. It’s a whirlwind of emotions. Can you ever truly relax when he’s being sweet? Is it even genuine? Why does he keep shifting? How can you fix it? This constant state of confusion, fear, and intermittent happiness keep you trapped in an endless cycle of abuse. He uses tenderness as a way to create a strong emotional bond with you, making it harder for you to leave. By alternating between kindness and cruelty, misogynists create a sense of dependence, making it difficult for you to imagine a life without him.

9. Expecting You to Read His Mind

One tell tale sign of being involved with a misogynistic man is his belief that you should be able to read his mind, without him openly expressing his thoughts and feelings. Instead of clear communication, he expects you to anticipate his every need and desire. In his immature and misguided mindset, he equates your ability to fulfil his unspoken expectations with “true love”. He will frequently use the phrase “you should have known” followed by his internal thoughts, emotions, and needs. When you can’t meet these hidden expectations, he becomes disappointed and starts acting cruel and abusive towards you. He uses your inability to read his mind as an excuse for his hurtful behaviour.

10. Disappointment Strikes the Misogynist: When Your Needs Clash with His Ego

The misogynistic man is convinced he’s the center of the universe. He believes his needs are the most important thing in any relationship, and he expects you to cater to him 24/7 without even considering your own needs. This is extremely toxic.

But here’s where things get really interesting: when you express your needs, desires, and goals, it’s like a bomb goes off in him. Suddenly, he’s faced with the shocking reality that you’re a human being with feelings, aspirations, and wants of your own. And guess what? That disappointment meter shoots up faster than a rollercoaster ride!

Instead of appreciating your uniqueness and celebrating your individuality, the misogynist feels disappointed, cruel, and critical. He simply can’t handle the fact that you’re a complex person with your own needs and desires. His expectations? Way out of this world! And when you don’t meet these impossible demands, he uses it as an excuse to unleash his nasty and hurtful behaviour towards you.

Listen up, it’s crucial to understand that his disappointment stems from his own deep-rooted insecurities and twisted beliefs. He can’t and doesn’t want to recognize your independence and therefore he won’t ever treat you as an equal. His obsession with control and power blinds him to what truly matters in a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

What is the Difference Between a Narcissist and a Misogynist?

Dr. Ramani, a licensed clinical psychologist, and expert on narcissism, emphasizes that misogyny refers specifically to a deep-seated prejudice and hostility towards women, while narcissism is a personality trait characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance and a lack of empathy for others. While there can be overlap between the two, not all misogynists are narcissists, and not all narcissists are misogynists.

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If you recognize any of the 10 signs that you may be dealing with a misogynist and want support in navigating this situation, please reach out to me here www.khanselma.com/contact. It’s important to remember that you don’t have to face this alone. Dealing with a misogynist is traumatizing and emotionally draining.
I have extensive experience in helping women who have faced misogyny and heal from the trauma this causes using a combination of Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Sensorimotor psychotherapy. I’ve seen women recover, build new healthy relationships, and establish healthy boundaries that allow them to thrive.

If you’re struggling with the effects of misogyny, I am here to support you in your journey toward healing. I will help you identify and address the core issues, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and empower you to establish boundaries that promote your self-worth and improve your relationships.

I really hope this article was helpful to you in some way. I offer one free session of trauma therapy

Do you know someone who can benefit from reading this article? Share it with them.

This article is inspired by Dr. Susan Forwards’ book “Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them: When Loving Hurts and You Don’t Know Why” – I highly recommend you read this book if you suspect you’re with a misogynist.

If you would like to try one free session of online trauma therapy with me to see if we are the right fit, send me a message at www.khanselma.com/contact.  I always answer all my emails within 24 hours.

Love,
Selma

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