Have you ever felt as if you’re not just dating your partner, but his mother too? You’re not alone. When your partner is too close to his mom, it can feel like she’s the third wheel in your relationship. In this article, we will examine the signs indicating that your partner is enmeshed with his mother and how this affects your relationship. From needing his mom’s input in decisions to relying on her for emotional support, and vice versa. Lastly, you’ll learn how trauma therapy can help you heal from the traumatic effects being in this kind of relationship can have on your mind and body. I’ve used “him” in this article for simplicity, but it’s important to note that a woman can also be enmeshed with her mom.

1. Always Takes Mom’s Side

Imagine you and your partner find yourselves disagreeing, perhaps over something as simple as where to spend the weekend. Your partner consistently takes his mom’s side, even if it’s not what you prefer or what’s best for both of you. Your thoughts and feelings get brushed aside, and you start feeling like you don’t matter. This is a sign of enmeshment between your partner and his mom, indicating an unhealthy closeness with a lack of clear boundaries. If your partner has a hard time prioritizing you and your relationship over his mother, it makes sense for you to feel hurt, ignored, angry, and like a second-class citizen in your own home and relationship.

2. Mom Knows Everything

When your partner shares every detail of your private life with his mom, from fights to what you had for lunch, it’s a sign of enmeshment. There’s no privacy left, leaving you exposed, angry, and anxious. This constant sharing can feel like you’re being observed, affecting your ability to express yourself freely. Even when she’s not present, it feels like she is, creating a creepy feeling. Your life’s details are out there for her to see without your say-so. Their lack of boundaries drags you into their unhealthy dynamic, making it hard to express yourself. If you get the sense that you ended up marrying his mom along with him, you’re not alone because most women who are with mother-enmeshed men feel the same way.

Their dynamic is very unhealthy and you shouldn’t have to feel this way. If this is what you’re going through currently, I truly feel compassion toward you as I’ve been in a similar situation in my past and know how it feels. Your feelings make sense, and I encourage you to trust them—they’re a sign that something needs to change. If he tries to tell you that your feelings don’t make sense or are exaggerated, it’s usually because he’s in denial and can’t see clearly. Nevertheless, this is a form of gaslighting, which means he is denying your reality. So, I’m here to tell you that your feelings are real.

3. Needs Mom’s Approval

Now, imagine a scenario where you and your partner are making a decision together, maybe something as straightforward as what color to paint the living room. But your partner insists on getting his mom’s approval for every choice, as if her opinion matters more than yours.

You may feel undervalued, frustrated, and disheartened. His desperate need for his mom’s approval resembles that of a child who hasn’t completed the natural separation between mother and son. It’s charming when a 5-year-old seeks mom’s opinion on choices, wants, and needs. However, it’s not cute when a grown man behaves like a 5-year-old. Something is deeply wrong, and this is another sign of an enmeshed relationship between mother and son. If you’re feeling inadequate, confused, angry, and questioning your role in this relationship, rest assured that your emotions are normal.

4. Chooses Mom Over You

If your partner seems to prioritize his mom over you regularly, this is also a sign of enmeshment. He may cancel plans with you to be with her or consistently place her needs above yours. It’s like he’s chosen his mom as the top priority in his life, and this can leave you feeling rejected and unimportant. You deserve to be more than second best in your partner’s life, and if he’s more committed to his mom than to you, his relationship with her is enmeshed. How does this make you feel? Take a moment to notice how your body feels when he chooses his mom over you or does anything else on this list. Does your stomach turn? Do you get a headache? Does it feel hard to breathe? Do you sense a tension in your chest? Do your shoulders get tense? Do you feel smaller? If I were you, I would listen to these body sensations because they are parts of you trying to tell you something. Connecting with your inner world for even a moment and listening to your emotions and body sensations – can give you valuable information about yourself. Trust your instincts and your body.

5. Rushes to Help Mom

Imagine the times when you need your partner’s support, perhaps when you’re facing a challenging situation. However, every time, he drops everything to help his mother, even for minor things like fixing a leaky faucet at her place or assisting with paperwork. In cases like these, the mother can also be highly manipulative and make minor things sound like an emergency. He can then argue with you that it is an emergency and he has to go.

Let’s examine why this dynamic is wrong and unhealthy. Mother and son seem to have an understanding that he should be the first person she calls in case of an emergency. The reality is that she is an adult and can very well call a plumber or 911 if there is an actual emergency. Even if her son were a plumber or a doctor, he has his own life, as any healthy parent-child relationship recognizes. Both of them may bring up technicalities to justify their unreasonable dynamic to make it look reasonable to you. If that doesn’t work, they might make you look like the one being unreasonable (more gaslighting), which is a form of psychological abuse. However, deep down, you know that something is off, and you’re 100% right. This behavior can leave you feeling neglected and unimportant, intensifying your sense of loneliness, and that’s not okay. This behavior is also a sign of an enmeshed man who puts his mother’s needs before yours.

6. He talks More to Mom

Here’s a client example, I’ll call her Zoey. The two of them are having dinner, and his phone keeps buzzing with texts from his mom. He’s more into chatting with her than talking to Zoey. She told me that at times she used to think the strangest things, such as “I can’t decide what would be worse at this point, a text from his mom or a text from a lover.” But another part of her would quickly dismiss that thought. When Zoey tried to connect with him and share about her day, he was still glued to his phone.

She tried to express her feelings, saying, “You know, I’ve noticed lately that when we have dinner, your phone is constantly buzzing with texts, mostly from your mom. I feel disconnected from you. Could you focus on us during dinner?” To which he said, “Oh, it’s just my mom. She likes to check in and chat. What’s the big deal?” dismissing and minimizing what Zoey expressed.

Zoey continued, “I get it, but it feels like you’re more focused on your phone than on us. I’d like to share about my day and hear about yours.” To this, he said, “You’re acting jealous and making it sound like I’m doing something wrong. It’s just my mom. Why are you making a big deal out of nothing?”

Zoey told me that she felt terrible and ashamed, even though she didn’t do anything wrong. If you can relate to Zoey’s situation and feel shame after similar conversations with your partner, the shame you feel isn’t yours. Let me explain; Ignoring your partner for a casual chat with your mom during dinner isn’t the behavior of a responsible and loving partner. If he and his mom were aware of their dysfunctional relationship, they would be the ones feeling ashamed. But since they’re unaware, they project it onto you, making you question your feelings and feel the shame they don’t want to feel.

His words can also sting, and if you feel hurt, angry, and undervalued, your feelings make sense and are righteous, because his behavior is cruel. The doubt that creeps in? It’s a result of him making you doubt your reality (gaslighting). So trust your feelings, and know that prioritizing your needs is healthy and necessary.

7. Buys Gifts for Mom

If he consistently spends a significant amount of money on gifts for his mom, this could also be a sign of enmeshment. His mother receives expensive presents and extravagant gestures from him, while your relationship may lack the same level of affection and investment. If you feel like you’re missing out on the love and attention you deserve, it’s because this kind of behavior from him communicates that he hasn’t set the right priorities in your relationship. You should be his priority, not his mom.

8. Relies on Mom for Emotional Support

Let’s say your partner has a tough day at work. Instead of talking to you about it, he calls his mom right away. He shares all his feelings and problems with her instead of you. If this happens a lot, it’s normal for you to feel left out and unimportant. This behavior is also a sign of enmeshment in the mother-son relationship and reflects an emotional dependence more fitting for a child than a grown man. If you feel like your support and understanding toward him aren’t enough, you’re not alone. It’s normal to feel this way in a relationship with a mother-enmeshed man. It’s important to remember that this isn’t about you not being enough; it’s about the unhealthy dependency and attachment he has with his mother and her encouraging it. This behavior is sure to impact the closeness and intimacy between the two of you.

If you want to read more about enmeshment, I have also written an article on the enmeshment between mothers and daughters. You can read it here: 13 Signs your relationship with your mother is enmeshed.

9. Can’t Set Boundaries

Consider the times when you and your partner face challenges because he can’t say “no” to his mother, even when it negatively affects your relationship. For example, he might agree to help his mom with various tasks or fulfill her demands, often at the expense of your plans together. This inability to set clear boundaries can create tension and frustration in your relationship, as it’s a sign of an enmeshed man who struggles with prioritizing your needs.

10. Overly Attached to His Mother

 If your partner is so attached to his mother that he constantly wants to hang out with her, whether it’s attending family dinners, going out shopping, or helping her out with errands, this is also a sign of enmeshment between them. They text almost the entire day, and she calls him at any hour of the day, even showing up at your place (or worse, living with you) whenever she feels like it. As per usual, she asks about you too, but not out of care; she only wants to communicate to you that she is not going anywhere. In fact, it seems to bring her joy to be a pain in your ass. If you express to your partner how you feel about her behavior, he will most likely dismiss it and say, “She’s only being caring. She even asked about you. What’s your problem?” Their unhealthy connection can make you feel like there’s no room for you and that he’s more a child than an adult in your relationship.

You can also feel trapped in this vicious cycle where you somehow always turn into the ‘bad guy.’ All this drama and pain can lead to him encouraging you to spend time with his mom or pushing you to attend family dinners to please his mom’s desire to spend as much time as possible with her son. You may hear things like “You just need to spend more time with her so you know how much she cares about you.” In reality, though, he can be completely blinded by the fact that whenever you do spend time together, she only focuses on him—making his favorite food, praising his performance at work, or whatever else that makes his childlike part of himself feel like Mom cares. In the meanwhile, you may be sitting there feeling out of place, angry at them both for not seeing what is happening. Mostly, though, you’re angry at him for being (or acting) blind to your pain and for acting like a needy child who cannot let go of mommy. If you feel pressured, frustrated, and even resentful, your feelings are completely normal. This is a very unhealthy dynamic and shows clearly that he needs to start setting boundaries with his mom and take your feelings seriously.

11. Can’t Make Personal Decisions

If your partner consistently relies on his mom’s opinions when making decisions, it could be a sign of enmeshment trauma. For instance, if he looks to her to decide on your child’s name, whether you should get married, or where you both should live, and then follows her advice, it can leave you feeling frustrated, confused, helpless, and shocked all at once. Grace, another client of mine struggled with this dilemma. When they were looking for a place to stay, Dan’s mother influenced his decision encouraging him to pick a place that was near hers, showing no regard to what Grace wanted or if the apartment was the right fit for them as a couple. Dan’s mom had her own agenda and Grace found herself feeling pressured into going along with what her husband (or his mother) wanted. Grace told me how confused she felt because when she and Dan discussed it in private, which his mom made sure there wasn’t much time for, Dan influenced her to say yes. He made it sound like a great idea to live close to Mom, he also praised the apartment even though Grace wasn’t sure and needed more time. Grace soon realized the grave mistake she had made by saying yes, because Dan’s mom was physically close to them, along with the all too close emotional dependency mother and son shared. Grace expressed her anger later on and told him that his mom decided to live here, not her and they should have made this choice as a couple. But Dan said “I feel like I’m letting my mom down if I ignore her opinion. I also feel like I’m disappointing you, I don’t know what to do.”

Grace felt even more confused and told me that another part of her also felt guilty. I told Grace that showing empathy for his inner struggle is okay, but your feelings matter too. The unhealthy dynamic between him and his mom affects you, and he should support you just as much as you support him. We were going to help Grace understand and resolve her inner conflicts, find clarity within herself, and figure out how to handle her relationship with Dan. I would also help her better understand her feelings about the unwanted trio relationship she never signed up for and how to change things for the better.

12. Stuck in a Tug of War Between Pleasing Mom and Seeking Independence

If your partner is caught up in a cycle of complaining about his mom but also goes out of his way to make her happy, it’s a sign of enmeshment. He’s caught in an internal tug of war, one part of him craving her approval and another yearning for independence. This creates confusion in you too, which is completely understandable. You will feel unsure because his actions are all over the place. One day he’s helping his mom instead of going on a date with you, and the next day he’s there for you. It’s like a rollercoaster. You can’t tell if he genuinely wants to be independent of his mom or if he’s just acting like a child throwing a tantrum for a short time and will go back to her. This back-and-forth will strain your relationship. I encourage you to ask yourself the important questions; Who are you outside of this drama? What do you want and need? What are you afraid will happen if things don’t change in your relationship?

If he can’t resolve his inner conflicts or seek help in therapy, you can focus on helping yourself instead. If no one addresses their respective internal pain, your external pain (the relationship) will stay the same. Therapy is important because being with an enmeshed partner may lead you to focus on “fixing” him, playing mind games to get a few of your needs met, and having to neglect other needs. You can feel a sense of competing with his mother, which is unhealthy for everyone involved.

You’re not supposed to prove to him that you love him more than her; you’re supposed to be loved by him, period. If you go down that path or find yourself already on it, it can feel like a never-ending battle, where more often than not, you will lose. The neglect and being a second priority that comes from living with a mother-enmeshed man will trigger your childhood wounds, and these need healing. It’s not your responsibility to fix him or make him seek therapy, but you can care for yourself amidst the challenges you’re facing. If you’re interested, you can book one free session with me to see if we’re the right fit: www.khanselma.com/contact. You can heal your wounds; that’s a guarantee I can give you, and another guarantee is that you cannot heal his.

13. Can’t Handle Conflict with Her

It’s also possible that he does everything to avoid any form of conflict or confrontation with his mother, especially when it’s necessary and it affects you personally. For example, you need him to tell her not to show up uninvited at any hour of the day as if it were her own home. He may get anxious or upset when disagreements arise and your frustration naturally grows. In his mind, he may happily get into an argument with you, experience anxiety, take care of the housework for all eternity, anything but do or say something that could lead to Mommy being upset. This behavior can also be a sign of enmeshment and a sign he needs to be an adult instead of a frightened child. Acing in this way means that he is projecting his childhood attachment wounds onto your relationship. He is responsible for creating the changes necessary to have a healthy relationship with you, this is done in therapy. No matter how clearly you may understand this, it isn’t your job to make him understand it. Many women have a tendency to want to rescue a man from his pain and dysfunction, but you can’t rescue him. You can however seek healing for yourself since this kind of relationship takes a toll on you and you may unconsciously also be playing out your childhood story in this relationship. Someone needs to heal for anything to change, it may as well be you and I encourage you to try out IFS therapy with me and see for yourself how it helps to create changes, faster than talk therapy does. I offer therapy online, which is just as effective as in-person, so you can work with me from anywhere in the world. You can book your first free session with me here www.khanselma.com/contact.

14. Emotional Swings Based on Her Mood

For this point, let’s dive a bit deeper for a minute. Enmeshment trauma usually begins in childhood. If his mom often was upset and took that out on him — he would do anything to get her love and attention. In a mother-son relationship (and any parent-child relationship), a child’s self-image is influenced by her treatment of him. How mom behaves, feels about herself, and feels toward him will shape his identity and sense of self. So if mom is upset, he translates that as something he must have done wrong which can lead him to believe he isn’t good enough. As a child, he develops anxiety, insecurity, fear of abandonment, and all kinds of other symptoms because the connection with his mom is not secure, not safe, or predictable. You may even see these emotions in him be played out in your relationship today.

If his mom looks at him with love, talks to him gently, encourages him to make his own decisions, and respects his personal space this will be the foundation of how he sees himself and the world around him. In a healthy mother-son relationship, a mother acknowledges and celebrates her son’s unique qualities and the differences between them and allows him to express his emotions, offering him understanding, respect, and love. In enmeshed mother-son relationships, however, this is not the case. Instead, the roles are reversed, where he feels the need to take care of his mom with a child’s limited capacity, and he may be rewarded for it. If mom showed intense anger one minute and affection the next minute because he stayed silent, apologized, or simply did what she wanted, he would learn that the only way to get any form of affection from mom is to please her.

In other words, his emotions keep shifting like a rollercoaster because part of him is still stuck in the same desperate attempt to help Mom with her feelings so that she will stay connected to him and calm down. Their emotions have been fused for so long that even as an adult the struggle of understanding how he is supposed to feel is ongoing. Most of the time, he won’t know what he is feeling and will look to his mom for guidance. This is how his childhood attachment trauma with his mom is played out in your relationship today. His inner child, or a child part of him, is still terrified of what will happen if his mom stays upset.

You may feel like you married two people, him and his mom and she pulls the strings on your partner’s emotional states. This can drag you into their dysfunction and you may also wish for his mother to be happy so that you can be happy with him. Or maybe you ask him to set boundaries with her, with no positive results. You’re confused about whether to focus on your relationship with him or his relationship with his mom. Everything seems fused and confused. If you’re feeling this way, it makes sense.

This is an incredibly unhealthy dynamic and can be quite traumatic for any child who grows up in such an environment. Nevertheless, your partner is now an adult, and it falls upon him to recognize this situation, whether or not you help in some way, and then take appropriate action. Seeking trauma therapy is one of the essential steps to take, as enmeshment trauma is a serious issue that can have a profound and lasting impact on a child’s development, which often persists into adulthood. The connection between a parent and child should be nurturing, not constraining. Parents should foster their child’s independence when the time is right, rather than keeping the child overly dependent on them, or vice versa. A healthy parent-child relationship can withstand physical distance, conflicts, and differences in opinion, needs, and desires. The child should have confidence in the idea that their parents will be a steadfast presence, no matter what life choices the adult child makes, be it relocating, getting married, or striving for increased independence and personal space to focus and explore their life.

If you want to read more about enmeshment, I have also written an article on the enmeshment between mothers and daughters. You can read it here: 13 Signs your relationship with your mother is enmeshed.

What happened to Zoey and Grace?

So, let’s get back to Zoey, at point six in the article, and Grace, at point 11. In therapy, I worked with both of them to help them rediscover their confidence, find the courage to stand up for what they needed and make the changes they were after. This included setting some serious boundaries with their partners’ moms. Now, here’s the amazing part – both of these ladies are not taking any nonsense from their partners or their moms anymore. And guess what? Their partners are actually changing how they deal with their moms too, and this leads to changes in the relationship.

Both women had a major shift in therapy. IFS and Sensorimotor psychotherapy did wonders for Zoey and Grace.  As Zoey described it, she started feeling like an adult instead of a scared and helpless little girl. In Internal Family Systems therapy, she got to meet and comfort that young girl within. A sense of calm, hope, and relief washed over her younger self when she found out that Zoey was now an adult who could handle things. So the young girl did not feel so helpless or scared anymore, and her feelings were replaced with confidence, calm, courage, and more clarity.

What can you do and what’s your role?

You can begin therapy just like Grace, Zoey, and many others. If you want things to change, you must understand your role in this relationship and to do that you need guidance to look at the deeper wounds from your past that are causing suffering in the present. By healing your wounds, you’ll gain clarity of the trio relationship dynamic so change will be possible. You will also gain confidence in yourself and find a sense of calm rather than shifting from feelings of anger and helplessness to sadness and shut down or just wanting to run away from it all.

You will learn how to set boundaries without arguments and stand up for yourself. Your individuality will appear again instead of feeling entangled in a complicated mother-son situation.

If you relate to any of the points in this article, click on ‘book a session’ and get one free session with me to determine if we‘re the right fit. If we are, I am more than happy to help you find a way out of this exhausting and confusing dynamic and a way back to yourself.

What about him?

Enmeshment trauma is serious and since it is affecting your relationship it is his responsibility to look at it. This includes looking at his relationship dynamic with his mom, what he is afraid will happen if he sets boundaries with her and the potential fear of abandonment, insecurity, guilt, and questions of loyalty is all his to figure out. As mentioned you can encourage him, but ultimately it is his choice to either stay this way or start healing his wounds in therapy. You can only take responsibility for your healing and by doing so his ways will also have to change because the old ways won’t work any longer.

Take action today

If you can recognize or relate to some or all of these 14 signs and want to get the right help to deal with this, please send me a message here: www.khanselma.com/contact. I would love to work with you and help you with your unique situation. As mentioned, you can get one free session with me to determine if we’re the right fit. I have extensive experience in helping clients heal from being involved with a partner who is enmeshed with a parent, using a combination of Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Sensorimotor psychotherapy. Both are evidence-based trauma treatments and are very effective.

This is not something you should tackle on your own; despite what you may believe, this type of dynamic leaves its scars. Even though he is the one with enmeshment trauma, you still get deeply affected by what he refuses to heal.

The cost for a one-hour session is $105, and I also offer a sliding scale fee.

I look forward to hearing from you – I always answer all my emails within 24 hours.

If you found this article helpful, share it with someone who needs to read it and click on the like button below.

If you want to read more about enmeshment, I have also written an article on the enmeshment between mothers and daughters. You can read it here: 13 Signs your relationship with your mother is enmeshed.

With love,

Selma

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